Author: hscptcrash

The Winning Season (2010)

Rating: 12
Length: 1hr 44
Release: 3.9.2010 (No UK cinema release)
Dir: Jim Strouse
About: Bill Greaves, an alcoholic, gets a chance to bring his life back on track when a friend, Terry, offers him a job to coach a high school girls’ basketball team.

The Good

  • This is a funny film that doesn’t sugar coat anything while remaining a charming film about self improvement, family and team building. There’s nothing necessarily new here; it’s Mighty Ducks only it centres on female basketball. However, let me put it this way; it’s Mighty Ducks but the team is female, empowered and fronted by Emma Roberts and Mara Rooney.
  • The character of Bill is what makes this film for me. He’s essentially Sam from Glow; he’s an asshole, a self-confessed one at that, with a strong moral code under his frosty exterior. His relationships form the foundation of the film and its development. It’s through him that you become invested. You want an example of healthy masculinity, this asshole is the the one to do it.
  • It made a nice change to see Rob Corddry play something other than a larger than life douchebag. Really refreshing and he wears the proud principal well.
  • The film touches on everything that feels relevant to today; questioning the self, racism on and off the court (and It’s quite well handled), gender equality and teen pregnancy and the consequences of it.
  • Margo Martindale is always a wonderful addition to anything she’s in. She’s one of those people who you recognise, even if you can’t quite place her. She’s the sweetness to Rockwell’s harsh character.

Bad

  • There’s one part of Bill’s journey I wish we’d gotten was a proper resolution. It was hinted at that life didn’t go to plan for him because of the birth of his daughter. I would like to have seen perhaps suggestions of what would happen to his character once the credits started. I get the impression it was considered and filmed, but left on the cutting room floor.

Ugly

  • The final act does run the risk of verging into uncomfortable territory. Having a grown man in Lycra, running around a school full of teen girls with police trying to arrest him doesn’t sound so great on paper and it is only because of the development of the character that sort of makes it okay. (Actually, I laughed my ass off at the absurdity of it, but I know if it was another actor it would have creeped me the fuck out)

Final Thoughts

Its such a charming film from start to finish and the biggest shame of it all is that I’d not heard about it sooner.

Film Review: Seven Psychopath (2012)

Rating: 15
Length: 1hr 50
Release: 5.12.2012
Dir: Martin McDonagh
About: Marty, an aspiring screenwriter working on a screenplay, unwillingly gets involved in an underworld crime when his strange friends abduct a dangerous hoodlum’s pet.

The Good

  • Seven Psychopaths is an early Quentin Tarantino movie without the pretentious attempt to be an auteur. The dialogue isn’t as contrived or forced and it’s actors certainly appear less stagnant.
  • It’s a solid cast and I was left with a wish to see Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell teamed up in another movie. There’s something about the partnership that works on screen.

The Bad

  • There’s little that distinguishes what is part of Marty’s screenplay and what is part of the actual film. It does mean this isn’t a casual watch and can feel quite taxing to keep up, much in the same way Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang needs you to actively focus for every second.

The Ugly

  • I feel as if it was meant to be funnier than I found it. Perhaps I just wasn’t feeling it today, but I really found the overly visual body count to outweigh any humour that could be found within. I did laugh at times, but I’m not sure laughing like a 12 year old every time Sam Rockwell utters the word ‘c**t’ actually counts.

Final Thoughts

So this is essentially John Wick without the hand to hand combat and way more talking. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, but it’s not something I’ll rewatch any time soon.

Film Review: The Mortal Instruments(2013)

Rating: 12A
Length: 2hr 10
Release: 21.8.2013
Dir: Harald Zwat
About: New York teenager Clary Fray learns a secret about herself, which leads her into an adventurous journey. Clary is one of the Shadowhunters, a secret cadre of half-angel warriors who fight demons.

The Good

  • The film’s strongest aspect it the visual world building and the distinction between the Mundane and the Shadowhunters. There is an element of emo-Potter to it which makes complete sense when you know that the book franchise this movie is based on started life as Harry Potter fan fiction and Jace, with his blond hair, is actually Draco Malfoy.
  • There are some comic nods to other films, such as Simon’s ‘I’m the Key Master.’ quip when Jace reveals himself.
  • There are quite a number of well executed scenes, rescuing Simon for one. They play out well and on the most part, use physical and computer effects well.

The Bad

  • Clary isn’t fully established as a character in her own right before she’s thrown into the Shadowhunter world. It’s a little damaging to the character and the viewer as there’s no investment.
  • While Aiden Turner does an okay job when I watched this back in 2013, the tv show gave an adapted version of Luke to Isaiah Mustafa and it works so much better.
  • As I mentioned, individual scenes worked well but there’s something missing that ties it all together. The success (arguable) of the tv show does suggest it is more suited to the episodic approach.
  • The werewolves are totally shit. They are even worse than those seen in Twilight and those were neutered, tootless, bitches. These are just pathetic and the film ignores the complexity of their relationship with the Clave.

The Ugly

  • The film is about 30 minutes too long, yet its contents is incredibly shallow for what time they had to play with. Both Luke’s lycan reveal and Hodge’s betrayal have no impact because in one it’s hinted at too much and the latter has too little screen time with anyone to understand how much he means to the teens left in his care or Clary who is mentored by him in the books.
  • What was the choice behind Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ shockingly shit American shout?! Everyone else from the Shadowhunter world has British accents of varying quality, JRM is Irish.Surly is makes sense to allow him to keep his native accent?!
  • What the actual fuck is with Hollywood and incest? Why is it even a trope? I want to blame George Lucas, but I’m sure it dates further back than the galaxy far, far away. So,I guess this also isn’t the film’s fault given that it’s a massive plot in the books that evolves over the entire trilogy, but what the fuck?! So Clary, the bloke you like and have struggled to show any chemistry for is revealed to be your brother! Gross! What’s worse is that its not properly resolved and the film ends with the couple/siblings riding off on a motorcycle together.

Final Thoughts

I’m pissed off that I forgot how shit this movie was. I’m pissed off because I thought I’d yet to watch a film from 2013 this year, to discover after the fact that its actually 2012 that’s lacking a mark on my tracker.
Perhaps it’s much like that buzzing sound you stop hearing as you get older, you also lose your patience for really shit YA film adaptations. However, I’m more inclined to say it was the lacklustre performances that DOA’d this film.

This is Where I Leave You (2014)

Rating 15
Length 1Hr 43
Release 24.10.2014
Director Shawn Levy
About When their father passes away, four grown, world-weary siblings return to their childhood home and are requested — with an admonition — to stay there together for a week, along with their free-speaking mother (Jane Fonda) and a collection of spouses, exes and might-have-beens. As the brothers and sisters re-examine their shared history and the status of each tattered relationship among those who know and love them best, they reconnect in hysterically funny and emotionally significant ways.

The Good 

  • It’s a rather uplifting film considering it centres around a parental death and cheating spouses.
  • Adam Driver is hilarious as the youngest sibling. This is the anti-emo to his portrayal as Kylo Ren. He has some wonderful scenes with many of the cast.
  • Kathryn Hahn really surprised me with her performance. It’s so very different to everything else I’ve seen her in and I loved that I even began questioning whether it was her.

The Bad

  • Timothy Olyphant was wasted in his role. There needed to be more screen time and I’m so sad about the lack of closure with his character.
  • Jason Bateman was too safe a choice for the lead role. It’s pretty much the only role I see him play, but he’s capable of so much more. 

The Ugly

  • I don’t know what it is about Rose Byrne that makes me want to punch her in the face, but I do and that distracts me from the film.

Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed the film. It’s a bit messy and included a lot of depressing themes, but I certainly left me feeling uplifted.

Film Review: The Omen (2006)

Rating 15
Length 1hr 50
Release 06.06.06
Director John Moore
About Robert agrees to adopt a baby after his wife Katherine delivers a stillborn. They name him Damien. Father Brennan informs Robert that Damien is the son of the devil and so Robert attempts to kill him.

The Good

  • There’s a pretty decent cast involved: Schreiber gets the rare opportunity to play the lead in a movie and fairs pretty well considering he’s filling Gregory Peck’s shoes. Schreiber has that charm that allows you to believe that someone so young could hold the position he does while also able to pull off the doubt, anger and determination to do what is necessary.
  • David Thewlis takes on David Warner’s photographer, bringing his northern tones and gritty anger to character and Postlethwaite takes on the ill fated Father Brennan who was originally played by Doctor Who himself; Patrick Troughton. I’d have love to have seen more of Postlethwaite, but I’d probably say the same about any film he’s in. 
  • For those Horror fans out there Mia Farrow is perfectly cast as the clues-in nanny. Little bit of a nod towards her movie background, given she birthed the son of Satan in the painfully boring Rosemary’s Baby.
  • I did like the incorporation of some modern disasters into the Damian prophecy that gives that chilling sense of ‘this could happen’

The Bad

  • Julie Stiles looks in pain throughout the film. Yes she’s portraying someone who has suffered post natal depression and a strong sense of disconnect with her son, but her performance doesn’t make it feel like it’s part of the character. 

The Ugly 

  • Lazy film making/ script… it doesn’t divert enough from the original to justify its existence. It’s nearly a shot for shot remake and takes no risks to be its own movie. Quite sad when you consider the potential it had.
  • Well, if you’re going to redo a film, you really have to at least meet the quality from the original’s key scenes. Case in point: the visit to the church scene. It just lacks any of the power, fear or response from the viewer. Lacklustre is putting it mildly.

Final Thoughts

It feels rushed in order to meet a gimmick opening date. Great for initial box office, but feels cheap 14 years later.

The Last Laugh (2019)

Rating 15

Length 1Hr 38

Release 11.1.2019

Director Greg Pritikin

About: Retired talent manager Al reconnects with former client Buddy, a comedian who gave up performing decades ago, and urges him to go back out on the road.

The Good

  • Chevy Chase and Richard Dreyfuss make for an excellent double act that takes the Odd Couple on the road. Dreyfuss really brings the humour for the bulk of the movie, which makes Chase’s straight man performance a refreshing change.
  • On the whole its a funny film with a sweet centre, even if it is a little ‘American Pie does Old Folks’ at times.

The Bad

  • It really takes a while to get going and for the first 40 minutes, I have no idea where its going. I actually almost switched it off as that slow preamble to the main plot switched me right off; which is a shame because it could stop people seeing what a fun movie it actually is.

The Ugly

  • It’s bookended with some depressing shit. Like really sour. My reason for almost turning it off? The time spent in the old folks home was so dour, and my father seemed a little triggered, that I wasn’t sure we’d picked right for a Saturday night movie. It’s a shame because those middle acts where really cool.

Final Thoughts

Yeah… On reflection it was perhaps a bad idea to chuck on a film about ageing dudes sent into a home when my father had begged me two days earlier to not ‘lock him up’. Bad daughter!

The Dead Zone (1963)

Rating: 15
Length: 1hr 43
Release: 13.1.1984
Director: David Cronenberg
About: A man awakens from a coma to discover he has a psychic ability.

The Good

  • The story is strong, making sure that elements are cleverly dropped into the narrative and actually really pay off towards the end of the movie. For instance, Johnny’s psychic abilities are triggered by Sam, his clinic doctor. It seems its just there to provide a bond between the characters and someone who believes through experience rather than belief. However, it not only does it pay off in the final act, but it gives the viewer one of the most heavily debated ethical conundrums, but Sam gives one of the best answers to the question I’ve ever heard.
  • While episodic in its delivery, it doesn’t feel disjointed. Again, this is to do with clever plotting and delivery. The introduction of senator candidate Stillson reminds me so much of how Prime Minster Saxon was developed in Doctor Who. At one point in the film, you might be forgiven for thinking that the focus of the whole film was going to be on Johnny assisting the detectives in town, but when that’s resolved you don’t feel like the rug has been pulled.
  • Speaking of Stillson, its rather chilling how much like President Orange-face he is. It’s also a little unsettling to know that Martin Sheen goes on to play a president so well received on tv that people still call for him to be real. Yes, I know he’s an actor, but its not lost on me that all politicians are not themselves either.
  • A weird thing to like, but its a really green film on the most part. Yes, I feel like it means something. No, I don’t know what it is. I suspect it’s to do with Johnny’s ability, but it draws me in rather than frustrates me.
  • Christopher Walken as Johnny. Bloody hell, I’m invested and he’s a hero. A blessed or cursed one, I’m not sure I’ve decided on that yet. It’s a testament to Walken as an actor that I went into this thinking he was going to be a bad guy and be completely creeped out for him to win me over.
  • There’s so much else that I loved about this film; the themes, the questions raised and that science versus mysticism that automatically comes with this sort of story.

The Bad

  • The only part I found a little disjointed was the parent’s watching the televised interview and what happens to the mother. It’s slightly unclear (I’m nitpicking) and I’m not sure if that’s because I was already preparing for a flash from Johnny or if it just lacked the physical words.

The Ugly

  • Stephen King can’t write women for shit! Beverly Marsh has a gang bang with all of the Loser’s Club (albeit both the tv movie and the modern remake have the sense to leave it out), Donna bangs her husband’s tennis partner and now we’ve got Sarah who during Johnny’s five-year snooze gets married and has a baby. Okay, maybe that’s okay given Johnny’s dad has already moved on 2 minutes after mama’s death, however to take the baby to johnny’s house and lay it down to sleep before offering your tits to the man you abandoned. Bull shit! No!

Final Thoughts

It’s a film I’d watch again in a heartbeat. You can’t really take you’re eyes of the screen for a minute and the questions it leaves you with will invite you to return for another viewing.

Cujo (1983)

Rating: 18
Length: 1hr 33
Release: 18.11.1963
Director: Lewis Teague
About: Donna, a suburban housewife along with her young son Tad, drives out to the home where a perturbed St Bernard is driven insane by rabies. She must now save herself and her son from a brutal attack.

The Good

  • The second half of this movie is incredible; it taps into basic fears and keeps the body count coming. While Cujo started off as a sweet Saint Bernard he quickly becomes a volatile, foaming-at-the-mouth fuzzy monster. There are two massive dog-related scares that left me petrified; the initial attack on the car and the attack on Donna.
  • There’s an incredible shot in which the camera does a number of 360 degree spins, the revolution getting faster than a teacup ride. It has a emotive and physical effect that is perfect for a horror.
  • The bats that bite Cujo are proper scary. Like the teeth and the hissing. If there was anyone I was invested in from the start, it was poor Cujo. He was having a nice time, chasing a rabbit. He gets bitten and no one cares. No one gets him to a vet. Poor Cujo. Poor, poor, Cujo.

The Bad

  • The music is rather tv-movie and a good chunk of it, doesn’t match the tone of the movie.
  • I feel as if something was missed out in regards to Donna and her views about dogs. Her reaction to Cujo when she meets him for the first time almost hints at a long standing fear or dislike. However, it’s never confirmed. Given that so much time is spent on exposition that had no value, I’m certain they could have dedicated a bit to this.
  • Donna makes some dumb-ass decisions, much like many people in horror movies.

The Ugly

  • The first half of the movie is total dog shit (excuse the pun). The film takes up over 40 minutes developing characters and I really don’t understand why. With the Camber family, the mother and son are built up to just disappear for the second act which feels a little pointless.
  • Then there’s the matter of the lead. What we learn about Donna in the first 45 minutes is that there are problems in her marriage, perhaps because of his stressful and totally BORING job. She’s ‘screwing around’ with her ex boyfriend. Yes, it gives us a final act misdirection when the husband is searching for her, but it also makes her an unlikable character who I am not invested in.
  • Tad, Tadpole, Tadders. The kid takes up a lot of the film and while research has suggested the opening scene has more significance within the book, it feels pointless. Although, I must admit I did like the way in which he prepared to launch himself into the bed once the light was turned out.

Final Thoughts

All in all, there’s way too much build up and not enough pay off. I’d have liked to have seen Donna and Tad get into their peril much earlier and perhaps one of the other deaths happening a little earlier.

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

Rating: 12a/A
Length: 1hr 43
Release: 19.2.1981
Director: Jimmy T Murakami & Roger Corman (Uncredited)
About: Akir is a peaceful planet that is attacked by Sador and his army of mutants. Shad, a young Akira farmer hires a group of mercenaries to protect his planet. Will he succeed in his mission?

The Good

  • It actually has some names within the film. Original John-Boy Walton Richard Thomas takes on the ‘Farm boy’ role (Yes, check out Amazon Prime’s description and they liken Thomas’ Shad to Luke Skywalker and Elm Street’s resident sheriff, John Saxon, brings us the destroyer of planets and all-round bad guy, Sador.
  • Man from U.N.C.L.E alumni Robert Vaughn is a decent spot as… well, I’m not quite what he did in the film other than provide a nod to the Magnificent Seven (1960), of which this film is loosely based. I enjoyed his presence, even if I had given up on following the characters at this point.
  • George Peppard is also a hoot to have on board. While he looked familar, I did have to look him up. He’s one quarter of the A-Team. The TV Show, not the film outing that saw Liam Neeson take on the cigar-smoking John ‘Hannibal’ Smith.
  • Had I have watched this with at least half a bottle of wine in me and some drinking game rules to hand, it would have been hilarious. However, I think I’d have irreparable liver damage to go with the giggles.

The Bad

  • When you have a character that is so comparable to Luke Skywalker, you really have to get it right. Unfortunately, Richard Thomas doesn’t work in the role. He comes across more like Wesley Crusher; over keen, too young and floppy haired. He’s a tad annoying and totally in need of seeing a burnt up aunt and uncle to wipe that jolly smile off his face. Even the animated Flick had more charm in the Bug’s Life version of this over-played story.
  • How many characters? Seriously, I felt rather overwhelmed with how many people they brought to help, who didn’t really help and, in some cases, didn’t want to help. From the albino collective who had the TARDIS to the porn warrior and the reptile dude stolen from the Star Trek department, it felt too much and it stopped me getting invested. I mean COME ON, it’s the SEVEN Samurai/ Magnificent SEVEN, not ‘lets invite a rave to our fucking planet’. Specially given that they’re so unbelievably shit.

The Ugly

  • Zed’s Ship! Jesus, you know that bit in every Austin Powers movie when they’re like ‘It looks like a…’ cuts from one location to another ‘…Johnson, did you just see that…’. Yeah, only it looks more like a sex organ abomination. Seriously, you’ve got the top end of a woman’s uterus that leads into a ball sack. Guys, once you see it, you can’t unsee it… and this is where my liver would DIE!
  • While we’re on the subject, the script! Again, if I was drinking for every time a line made me laugh. For example “I can’t take him from the back Nell.”… Yeah, yeah get my mind out the gutter. Believe me, it needs to be in the gutter to come out of this film sane.
  • George Peppard is literally known as Cowboy. They fucking put a Cowboy in SPACE! Yes, its a riff of many of the things this thing is ripping off but it just doesn’t fit. He’d Basically Buck Rogers, without that explanation. He dresses like a cowboy, talks like a cowboy (Hell, he even talks about Custer’s last stand) but I don’t understand why! Oh, he also plays Home of the Range on a fucking harmonica! Its a full fucking house on the Western-bingo card.
  • The TARDIS aliens who share a consciousness have one abducted by the Shit-Thanos and some shit goes does that I really don’t give a fuck about at this point and because they don’t tolerate pain, he dies. Except Sador needs a new arm (again, I don’t know why. I don’t fucking care, I’ve lost the will to live at this point) so he’s given that of the tip-exed alien. The arm goes all Evil Hands on Sador because of ‘shared consciousness’ and the remaining aliens use the connection to try and kill him. Only, they’re so fucking stupid and impatient that they try and do it there and then. Morons!
Tip-exed aliens

Final Thoughts

I don’t fucking know! I feel like… I feel like someone made a computer write a sci-fi script after watching Star Wars, Space Balls, Buck Rodgers and Flash Gordon and this was the monstrosity that came out. Its The Room (2003) of the Sci-Fi genre and something I never want to watch again.

BandSlam (2008)

Rating  U
Length 1hr 42
Release 4.4.1985
Director Wolfgang Peterson
About The new kid at school brings new hope to a fledgling rock band when they decide to compete at a mega annual event-a battle of the bands.

The Good

  • The music is still, over 10 years later, the strongest element of the film. What happened to the mainstream ska genre? Even when the storyline got deep and emotion fuelled, the music keeps you upbeat.
  • It’s funny. Charmingly so. The one liners, the awkwardness. All of it. I’d forgotten quite how funny it was.
  • It has two excellent female leads at the starts of their career. Vanessa H’s early breakaway from her peppy Disney persona is very refreshing. Even now, with her wide ranging filmography, it is this that feels the most redefining for her. This was also my first time seeing Aly Michalka in a role. She’s awesome as the friend (most of the time).
  • The Bowie framing. I love the reference alone, but it’s his cameo at the end is just fantastic.

The Bad

  • I wish we’d seen pre-cancer Charlotte. I always find her turning against Will after her father’s death a little against everything we’ve come to know of her. I know it’s needed for the final act, but it’s too much and way too harsh. Instead of checking out her Wikipedia page, perhaps a youtube video would have given us a better glimpse into her character.
  • Holy fuck, the kids are so cruel to Will. Yes, he’s a bit of a dick (see below), but when you consider how badly he is treated by everyone, for something that wasn’t his fault, I’m surprised this isn’t a slasher flick. That shit is the making of Hollywood’s scariest horror boys. Michael and Jason would welcome him with open arms.

The Ugly

  • Will isn’t a likeable character when you’ve watched it as many times as I have. While, at times, he’s sympathetic and is a refreshing contrast to many leads you often come across in these movies, it’s not enough to make up for the fact that he’s a total dick to friends and asks really inappropriate questions. Often they do provide exposition as a result, but it’s really at the sacrifice of the character.

Final Thoughts

Even with its unlikable characters and flaws, I adore this movie and will always be a go-to movie for me.

Artemis Fowl (2020)

Rating: PG
Length: 1hr 35
Release: 12.6.2020
Director: Kenneth Branagh
About: Artemis Fowl is a 12-year-old genius and descendant of a long line of criminal masterminds. He soon finds himself in an epic battle against a race of powerful underground fairies who may be behind his father’s disappearance.

First Thoughts

This is my Harry Potter. The one literary franchise that I’ve been waiting two decades to see transferred to film. I watched it as soon as it was physically possible. How could I not?!

The Good

  • The visual world building is stunning. Especially when we oh-so-briefing see the fairy world.
  • There’s a wonderful scene between Holly and Artemis that hints at the deep rooted friendship that they develop over the series in the books.
  • There are some brilliant one liners and I cheered loudly at the often used ‘D’arvit’ in the book.

The Bad

  • Most of the problems come from the presentation of the characters. When the original source gives you well developed characters and complex relationships, there’s no excuse for the lacklustre and undeveloped characters presented.
  • The dynamic of Artemis and Butler is wrong. Too wrong as it makes Artemis weak and too wrought with emotion for him to be the closed of genius I’ve spend so much time with.
  • While I love Judy Dench as Root, it removes one of the most empowering storylines for me, and many young women. Holly’s biggest story arc centres around her being the first female LEPrecon officer and how her success or failure would determine future recruitment. Instead we’re given a over zealous youngster. Her spark, spunk and frustration of being the poster girl is all gone and it makes me so sad.
  • I don’t understand Josh Gad’s “I am Batman” narration. It’s a really odd framing for the whole story, especially when it’s pay off doesn’t really work. Actually, forget the Batman impersonation, I just wish they’d scrapped the narration completely. Speaking of Josh Gad, they really did have a wonderful set up for Mulch to ask Root if her first name was Samantha. They squandered it.

The Ugly

  • When Holly Short is described in the books as having hazelnut coloured skin, I’m massively pissed that in 2020 we are still subjected to whitewashed protagonists. Yes, I’m sure we can argue that this film is diverse in its casting, but Holly Short is one of the leads. That shits not cricket.
  • They killed Artemis’ mother! What the fuck man?! You just erased the potential for the franchise to …. wait, this film isn’t getting a sequel let alone a franchise. However, I’m gutted that the twins don’t and won’t exist in the world.

Final Thoughts

As a book adaptation, its an abomination. Eoin Colfer literally couldn’t have written a better film-ready story, but it was stripped of everything. Its almost as if those involved didn’t read the source material. Fans will most definitely feel short changed.

Thunderbirds (2004)

Rating: PG
Length: 1hr 35
Release: 23.7.2004
Director: Jonathan Frakes
About: When young Alan Tracy’s entire family is trapped by an evil being, the Hood, it is up to him and his friends to come to their rescue.

First Thoughts

Summer 2004 was one of the best summers; me and my best friend in the world had gotten into a routine of going the cinema once a week and summer 2004 was peak cinema going; Woolworths was still open for pick and mix, London Road still homed the Liverpool Odeon and tickets were still cheap.
It was just me and him and he never once complained about my ‘my spot’ eccentricity. However, Thunderbirds marked the one and only time we let someone join us.

The Good

  • The wonderful Ron Cook steals every scene he’s in as the beloved Parker. He’s the benchmark for what the film should have been. His tone and humour hit the right notes; from the sarcasm to the near car crash cheer for the football win.

The Bad

  • It’s too CGI glossy, which unfortunately hasn’t aged well. It’s not the only film from this time like this. There’s no depth or shadow on the integrated image so it sticks out like a sore thumb.
  • The Tracey brothers lacked any individuality, charisma or character. We’re not given any time with them, that’s true. However, with careful film work and scripting, it was possible.
  • Lady Penelope is… problematic. We’re introduced to her with a seductive “hello boys.” to a room full of boys who will undoubtedly add her to their spank bank. The gratuitous child-friendly dip in the tub is followed by a boob grope to retrieve a bone, which alone is fine. However, the reaction of the room would make it seem she used her bare-breasted nipple to open the door. To add insult to injury, we’re treated to a “I didn’t need it anyway.” nod and wink.
  • The usual issues with filming in London; the Bank of London is not the Bank of London, travel in one direction but end in a location that baffles. Oh and then there’s a random monorail because even with all the fucking bridges across the Thames, you need another way.

The Ugly

  • Where to start?! This film is so problematic on all fronts and most revolving the representation of people within the film.
  • There’s very few people of colour in this movie. Four, actually. One, plays a stereotypical bad guy and the other three are a family of hired help for the Tracey family.
  • Ben Kingsley once again wins the award for cultural appropriation. This time Kingsley channels Yul Brenner and hams up the oriental wizardry with a swish of his kimono.
  • However, you’ll be forgiven for still rooting for Kingsley’s over-acted The Hood because the lead we’re meant to connect with, teen Tracey, well he’s a bit of a twat. That’s putting it lightly. His toxic masculinity fuels his early-noughties angst that will have you tearing your hair out. Oh and the little shit at his most twatish thinks its okay to mimic his best friend’s inherited stutter.
  • Rose Keegan perhaps is given the worst treatment possible as hench-woman Transom. From her introduction, i’m on edge. There’s the ‘she’s sexy’ close-up of her animal printed arse, followed by the camera physically pulling back to mirror the man’s ‘disappointment’ that she doesn’t have the socially ‘hot’ face. Fuck you Thunderbirds. Simultaniously objectifying her and making her a focus of repulsion?! Not okay.

Final Thoughts

Not the colourful but boring film I remember but a complete hot mess of offence. I’d love to say I’ll never watch it again, but I am pretty certain I said that to Michael as we left the cinema.