Category: book adaptations

The Noel Diary (2022)

Rating PG
Length 1h39
Release 24.11.2022
Director Charles Shyer
About When a best-selling author returns home at Christmas to settle his mother’s estate, he finds a diary that holds secrets to the past.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

Naughty List

  • Hair! Oh I know it’s stupid to be getting on my nerves, but close the end of the film and on the return leg of the road trip, Rachel’s hair goes from curls to salon straight.
    1. I’m pissed off with the implication that straight hair is more attractive.
    2. There’s no way, that character, would have packed the essentials to get that salon finish.
    Seriously, it’s Winter Soldier’s Black Widow scene all over again.
  • Why does the woman always have to cheat?! Or rather, why did she have to have a fiancé? Okay, most who watching this will get swept away with the romance and I agree, it’s not that deep.
    Except it is. It’s a trope for that reason; its a formulaic characterisation to put in an “obstacle” or ‘tension’. On the surface, that’s fine. But spend more than a second on it, and they’ve trashed their leading woman.
  • It’s rather bloated and tries to almost tell the story of two films in one. Normally the two leads each having something to resolve is no bother, even adding in the romance… I think it is the added complication of her not being available is the proverbial wafer thin mint this film could have done without.

Nice List

  • Two very beautiful, and charming, leads. Both Barrett Doss and Justin Hartley are wonderful in their own respects, but when they are together they make this film joyful. You know, until the script gets in the way.
  • I really found some comfort in the scenes with James Remar. Someone who has always improved anything I’ve watched, there was something powerful in his performance as an estranged father.
  • Despite the sadness that sets the film in motion, it is rather uplifting by the time the credit call time on this Hallmark-lite story.

Final Thoughts

Easy to believe the romance, leave your brain at the door and enjoy it for what it is: a PG Mills&Boon by way of the Hallmark channel.

The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1936) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating A (old school rating)
Length 1h16
Release March 1936
Director George King
About London barber Sweeney Todd (Tod Slaughter) provides the bakeshop next door with grisly makings for meat pies.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix UK and Youtube
Trailer:

Trick

  • It’s a ‘when it was made’ sort of grumble. The shots used to tell the story would not be what we’d remotely accept today and it’s mainly down to the placement of the actors. In some scenes, the camera will move to a close up and back to a mid shot and there’s no continuity to where the actor is, or even to the facial expressions used from one shot to another.
    Another example would be when moving to a close up of an actor’s hand. There’s no way in which the hand would be held in such a way and it’s often obvious that it’s not even on the same set.
  • There’s a way in which people performed in early cinema, particularly when it came to the projection of the voice. It really does grate on me.
  • Unfortunately the quality of the film must have deteriorated somewhat before it was digitised. Now, I do like an element of the scratches, but it does sadden me that there are other films that will have been lost due to this.

Treat

  • Much like a Hammer horror, we get the bookend narrative. There’s something rather charming about it and in this case, it allows for a humorous ending as the listener runs from the “modern day” barber’s into the street of a bustling London.
  • Tod Slaughter was rather brilliant as the titular barber. The manacle laugh and his treatment of his apprentice, all gave Sweeny Todd a memorable charactisation.
  • NO SONGS! I’m not a musical gal and it’s why I’m not overly fond of Burton’s offering of the penny dreadful story. However, I do love the story so this is just perfect.

Final Thoughts

It’s not going to keep the family entertained, but it certainly is a must watch for anyone with an ounce of love for film.

Twilight (2008) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating 12
Length 2h02
Release 03.12.2008
Director Catherine Hardwicke
About When Bella Swan relocates to Forks, Washington, to live with her father, she meets a mysterious boy, Edward Cullen, and gets drawn to him. Later, she discovers that he is a vampire.
Moon: no full moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

Trick

  • Kristen Stewart cannot act. She’s atrocious in this; from her heavy handed approach to the script to the zero chemistry she has with Robert Patterson. Even the ‘jokes’ she’s meant to tell fall flat.
    Which I guess isn’t entirely Stewart’s fault: the character of Bella is void of anything that would make her interesting. Hell, she’s void of anything that makes her remotely passable as a human being. The fact that she has anything with a penis after her, begged the same question then and now: Does she have beer flavoured nipples?
  • Robert Patterson plays the part of a constipated century old teen with facial expressions he can only have learnt from playing dead for so long in Potter. Jesus, it’s sometimes painful to watch. It’s hard to tell whether the ‘I don’t want to be here’ aura was an act, or just realisation it was a massive mistake to have signed on for a known franchise.
  • The biggest problem with this film is the fact that it’s a “romance”. This is a 110 year old man, creeping into a 17 year old’s bedroom (without consent) to watch her sleep. Just because he looks like Rob Pattison and not Danny DeVito, what, makes it okay?! Fuck no! Unfortunately, imagining Danny DeVito pulling the faces and sparkling like Edward does, does not repulse me. It makes me cackle with such laughter.
    I digress. This is a toxic relationship that has actually warped a generation’s understanding of what a partner should be like. Edward and Bella are up there with Romeo and Juliet of couples that people should not, but totally do, aspire to be. Fuck that noise.
  • Vampires should never sparkle! Ever. They certainly shouldn’t whine that they are hideous while they sparkle. Vampires also shouldn’t do the fast running, “spider monkey” shit they have Edward doing.

Treat

  • The soundtrack is badass. Too good for such trash. Seriously, it’s an emo/ indie kid’s wet dream and about the only saving grace to today’s watch.
  • Anna Kendrick. Oh, she took her baby steps in this so she could own, and run, with Pitch Perfect. (Confession: I almost vetoed Pitch Perfect because of how much I loathed the character she plays in Twilight. Thank God, because Kendrick is the Queen)
  • Rachelle Lefervre is the perfect Victoria and it really is a shame she doesn’t get her time to shine in the third of the franchise. While she’s a little bit wasted here, that stormy departure from the prom have us a hint of what we’d have gotten had Dallas-Howard elbowed her way in.
  • Not only do we have the perfect casting of Billy Burke, we have the sole awesome character in Charlie Swan. Seriously, him cleaning the gun as Edward arrives. *Chef’s kiss*

Final Thoughts

Not even the fond memories of watching this film back in 2008 could redeem this garbage. It’s not romantic. Its perhaps, at best, necromantic but lets face it Edward is a creepy little paedophile and Bella needs a lot of help for what I can only imagine is vampiric Stockholm syndrome.

Hellraiser (2022) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating 18
Length 2h01
Release 28.09.2022
Director David Bruckner
About A young woman must confront the sadistic, supernatural forces behind an enigmatic puzzle box responsible for her brother’s disappearance.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Hulu
Trailer:

Trick

  • Well, they removed all the Britishness from it. I’m bummed about this because Clive Barker is a Scouser and also wrote Candyman. We have a growing film industry here in Liverpool so I would have loved to have seen it being filmed/set here. At least with Candyman there is a rational and the story is utilised in a way that the environment comes into play.
    This, it could literally be anywhere.
  • It takes a tad too long before we see any of the Cenobites. I think it is a good haldway through. Which would work if it was a new film and we’d not seen the designs. We had, the suspense didn’t work.

Treat

  • The Cenobites here have a much more organic look to them. Gone is the BDSM latex and they’ve passed on the chains to Mr Grey. Now they’re sporting a more steampunk look and flayed designs.
    Now, I’m not saying the original was bad, but this is bad ass!
  • The film is not about fan favourites and call backs. Yes, it takes what works from the original concept, but this is it’s own realisation. There’s a much more cohesive story, a clear protagonist and no questionable motivation to kill for a cause.
    It’s cleaner and it’s a solid foundation for any sequels to be built should this be a success.

Final Thoughts

A vast improvement in that I wasn’t feeling physically sick and I certainly like that it wasn’t a reboot, but a reimagining.

Thinner (1996) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating 18
Length 1h29
Release 12.4.2017
Director Tom Hollad
About When Billy runs over an old gypsy woman, he is cursed by her husband to lose weight rapidly and uncontrollably. Soon, the experience turns deadly for him and everyone around him.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Now TV
Trailer:

Trick

  • Body horror isn’t for everyone and some scenes were even tough for me to handle.
  • The tone isn’t quite figured out. There’s an element of satire there, but it is so hard to tell if it’s self aware. The fat suit does not help matters. It isn’t easy based on the subject content and there just isn’t the time in the industry for someone to do a Christian Bale 360 during production.
  • There’s no one to root for. Not a single likeable character. Yeah, sure, you want to like Joe Mantegna but he’s a fucking mob boss. Even telling yourself its just Fat Tony doesn’t quite do it.
    You have the Romanian Gypsy community. Okay, dude should have been watching the road and not having his dick sucked. However, I’m not sure cursing three people is justice when your entire family are into a second century of living.
  • Call me woke, too PC or a snowflake, I don’t give a fuck. The representation of the Gypsy community in this film is appalling and outdated. Yes, I enjoyed the movie but I still have the point it out given the problems the community faces both here in the UK and around the world. For every attempt to throw a positive light, there’s bullshit like this that boils them down to a horror archetype (See Drag Me to Hell for an other example)

Treat

  • Much in the same way the anthology film Cat’s Eye (1985) takes rather mundane concepts and unspools the thread into an outlandish nightmare, Thinner gets under your skin. Hell, I’m currently trying to loose weight and I’m a little more aware of my body right now.
    There’s also the idea that Billy keeps on eating. Fuck me, does he eat. I think that turned my stomach more than anything else.
  • Intentional of not, I found it incredibly funny. The very fact that the whole film is catapulted forward on the grounds that Billy’s wife decides to give him a blowie in the car is so nonsensical that you have to laugh.
  • Stephen King makes a cameo! Bloody brilliant!

Final Thoughts

Blow jobs in a car were ruled out of the bucket list when Gillian Taylforth was arrested on the A1 before I even knew what one was but I’m sure they’re every man’s fantasy. However this film is probably enough to put all men off requesting them again for life.
It’s a bat-shit crazy film, economic with its run time and will have you questioning the drugs King was on at the time of writing this story.

Mr Harrigan’s Phone (2022) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating 12
Length 1h44
Release 05/10/2022
Director John Lee Hancock
About Craig, a young boy, befriends the elderly billionaire John Harrigan. Craig then gives him a mobile phone. However, when the man dies, Craig discovers that he can communicate with his friend from the grave.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

Trick

  • Since when did the early noughts become so far away that they can be done in flashback. I felt personally attacked at this retrospective narration like it was decades ag…. oh!
  • It’s a very slow burn. From the premise, I didn’t think we’d see much of Donald Sutherland. While there’s no complaints of having the legend on the screen, I do feel as if many audience members would have preferred more of the post-death phone mystery than the character build up.

Treat

  • It certainly tapped into my fears and nightmares. It is atmospheric and chilling, rather than an out and out horror.
  • Jaeden Martell makes not only a strong impression as a lead, but as an actor who is able to portray the character of Craig from teen years into the cusp of adulthood.
  • Donald Sutherland. While it was, I cannot deny, upsetting to see the man so frail, he gave an performance that chilled me to the core. As with many of Stephen King’s characters, there’s an element of ambiguity surrounding them. Mr Harrigan is no exception and Donald Sutherland is able to play the character to a tee.
  • Weirdly, the film gives me Stand by Me and Simon Birch vibes; something which warms the coldness of an October day.
  • Kirby Howell-Baptise is as on-form as ever in her role as the teacher, and mentor, to Craig. I’m actually only sad that while we seem to be getting her in everything at the moment, no one is recognising the talent and giving her a larger, leading, role.

Final Thoughts

All in all a very well made fill, but due to a number of scenes that caused me to recall my own father’s passing I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wanted to.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) Film Review

Rating PG
Length 1h38
Release 12.8.1971
Director Mel Stuart
About A factory owner gives 5 children a chance to win a lifetime supply of sweets. Charlie, along with four odious children enter the factory. Disasters befall each of the children. Will Charlie survive?
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:

The Good

  • Gene Wilder is the reason why they should stop attempting to remake this story. This batshit crazy portrayal, for me at least, is such perfection that anything else (outside of a time machine to cast Spike Milligan) pointless.
    Wilder has has this ability to be this perfect character no matter how old you are when you watch. As a kid, I appreciated the child-like flare he had. Now, I adore the deadpan “help. police. A murder.” that clearly went over my head thirty years ago.
  • The humour, despite the American feel to overall film, feels very British. It’s the tone, particularly the news reports, that are clever and sardonic that I just adore.
  • Mr Turkentine is an odd addition to what is an oddly paced film, but they are some of my favourite scenes and as close to having a Python on set. This film, this story was made for the Pythons. Could you imagine it? Cleese as the spy, Palin as the teacher, Idle as Grandpa Joe?! Damn, I want that time machine now.

The Bad

  • It takes way too long to get into the factory. I mean, I hate to make the comparison here, but if the first Harry Potter had this pacing?! Jesus, could you spend that much time with the Dursleys?
    There’s way too much fluff and songs- get rid of “Cheer up Charlie” at the very least- and it really slogs along for the first half for very little pay off. Yes, keep all the bits about the other shitty kids. But Wonkamania could have been cut short. The film spends too much time telling me I should want to root for Charlie. Sorry, but the more you give me, the more I don’t care. He’s just as annoying as the others, he’s just good at putting on a public face.
  • The placement of the film. It’s not England, it’s not America… but what seems to be an imaginary place, off the map. Take Veruca, for example. She’s got two pure bred Yorkshire parents, yet her accent is what, exactly? Then the factory worker who says all of three or four words is American? Don’t fuck with my head!

The Ugly

  • Grandpa Joe is one shady mother fucker. Can’t get up for twenty years, but has no problem when it comes to taking Charlie on a fun day out? Bullshit! For one thing, I’ve lived with someone who rarely got out of bed; they fucking smell rank! Charlie ain’t taking Grandpa Joe anywhere.
  • The music. I am not a fan of 1970s musicals. Scrooge with Albert Finney, Oliver!, hell even Saturday Night Fever gets a firm “pass” from me. The only musical aspect I like is the little interludes from the Oompa Loompas. But then, I fucking hate the Oopmpa Loompas and everything they’re alluding to.

Final Thoughts

It’s better than Burton’s attempt, but I think the problem is more to do with the Dahl legacy than anything else. If you’ve never seen it, you must. For Wilder alone, you must put up with all the other shit.

MASH (1970) Film Review

Rating 15
Length 1h56
Release 11.6.1970
Director Robert Altman
About The MASH unit makes use of humour and elaborate pranks to cope with the horrors of war and the stress that comes with performing surgeries.
Moon: Waxing Gibbous near the start of the film
Where to Watch: Disney Plus
Trailer:

The Good

  • Robert Altman is a magnificent artist. His naturalist style of filmmaking gives the audience a sense of realism and intimacy with the lives they watch unfold. My favourite part is the over-talk that happens all the way through.
  • I adore how we’re introduced to Donald Sutherland’s Hawkeye. No dialogue, except for the white noise of background artists. This is a film that is not afraid of leaving scenes without dialogue to guide the audience. I found it much more informative to see Hawkeye walking towards us.
  • Some of the odd-ball comedy does work for me. I adore Rene Auberjonois’ (bonus points for this film teaching me how to pronounce the man’s surname) character seen blessing the jeep towards the end of the movie.

The Bad

  • The initial sexual harassment of O’Houlihan is bad. It’s as bad, if not worse than some of the other things that go on to happen. The only reason why I’m placing it here, is the fact that the film goes on to have O’Houlihan write a formal complaint regarding McIntyre’s insistence that she’s brought to him in order to have sex.
  • The drugging and essential rape of a commanding officer toward the end of the movie is hard to take. Hawkeye and McIntyre are not as harmless and boyish as the film likes to think and this is the perfect example. Upon being arrested by military police for not following orders, they drug the man, take him to a brothel and photograph him with a prostitute. This is not okay and while its only implied, the psychological damage is tantamount to sexual assualt.

The Ugly

  • O’Houlihan’s accusation is not taken seriously. In fact, we see the harassment of her result in her sexual encounter being broadcast across the whole basecamp, gaining the nickname ‘Hot Lips’ and spied on in the shower by both men and women.
    All of this, for me, is bad enough. However the film does the unforgivable and has the high ranking officer, who is dealing with the incident, say “You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.” I mean, what the actual fuck?? This sort of shit is exactly why women didn’t come forward!
  • The story-arc of Painless is, well, far from it. It’s horrific in execution, dialogue and implication. Painless goes to Hawkeye in confidence about his sexuality: “I’ve turned into a fairy,” Painless declares, before describing his ‘affliction’. before the audience knows it, Hawkeye is sharing the information with everyone and Painless makes it know that he intends to commit suicide and asks for advice.
    The decision is made that he will use a ‘black pill’ and the audience are subjected to a visual ‘Last Supper’ before Painless takes the pill and climbs into a coffin. I’m horrified enough at this, but what comes next chills me to the bone. Hawkeye makes his departing ‘piece of action’ to “bring Painless back to life”. Yes, Hawkeye pimps out his girl and gets her to perform what ever sexual act on the unconscious Painless.
    Not only is this a form of sexual coercion on the part of Hawkeye, depending on what the woman did, it is also rape of Painless. The connotations of conversion therapy are not lost on me either and I am uncomfortable that this was used as comedy. Yes, its of its time, but I don’t see that as enough of an excuse.

Final Thoughts

Film making wise, its an incredible look at some rarely used styles. However, plot and content does fit well for modern day audiences and raise some concerns about previous generations.

Nightbooks (2021) Halloween Advent

Rating PG
Length 1h 43
Release 15.9.2021
Director David Yarovesky
About Scary story fan Alex must tell a spine-tingling tale every night, or stay trapped with his new friend in a wicked witch’s magical apartment forever.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

Trick

  • The opening of the film is really off putting. It throws you in the deep end, for the purpose of a payoff later in the film. It doesn’t work for me and makes me a little detached from the protagonist.
  • The theme of abuse and trauma is a little too on the nose for what should be a children’s film. To also contain it in such a way in a fantasy film is a little problematic when a lot of children are made to believe everything they experience is in their own head.
  • It’s really dark, and scary. Which, yay, its Halloween. However, this is not a family affair and it will scare little ones.

Treat

  • Krysten Ritter was born for the role she plays, if not a little too young looking for the role. The fear and the horror comes from her unpredictability and clashing sugary sweet look.
  • The way in which Alex’s stories are told really is awesome. The stylised approach really allows to make a distinction between Alex’s stories and Alex’s experiences.

Final Thoughts

Its not too sure on its target audience, so be aware if you intend to watch with little horrors.

The Canterville Ghost (1985)

Rating N/A
Length 55m
Release 1985 (no further details to be found)
Director William G Claxton
About The restless ghost of Sir Simon Canterville has been endlessly haunting his castle in search of a brave soul who will release him from the Canterville curse. A family then moves into the castle, and upon discovering the ghost, finds him to be quite amusing.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:

No trailer

Trick

  • At 55 minutes, the first is a little too short to do Oscar Wilde’s short story its true justice. It’s such a charming and wonderful story, that has been retold through the decades and with such little screen time, this does very little to stand out from the others.
  • I hate it when it is so obvious that the film is not being filmed in the place in which the story is set. It’s such a shame, as it is only a few establishing shots that really ruin the illusion and reveal the California home.

Treat

  • I absolutely adore the effects. Are they old and cheesy? Damn right, they are, but that’s part of the charm.
  • The cast is wonderful. From ‘that guy’ Mr Hammond spared ‘no expense’ for the narration of Jurassic Park’s tour (Richard Kiley), to Diagnosis Murder’s Barry Van Dyke and the girl that looks eerily like the one from Poltergeist. They all provide solid performances.
  • It is Mary Wickes, who viewers will recognise from Sister Act, who steals every single scene she’s in as the long standing house-keeper. Her personality wins you over so quickly that you can’t even be mad that this woman is grumbling about the invasion of American owners in her own, unhidden, accent.

Final Thoughts

A solid entry into the Canterville offerings, but I still prefer the Neve Campbell and Patrick Stewart version.

Johnny Mnemonic (1995) Film Review

Rating 15
Length 1h36
Release 9.2.1996
Director Robert Longo
About Johnny is a data courier who literally carries data packages inside his head for a fee. This time he carries a package that is too large to hold for long and he must race against time to deliver it.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:.

The Good

  • Dina Meyer pretty much carried this dead carcass of a film and it was her first acting role. You can see from this performance why she got her role in Starship Troopers. I also do think that had she been the protagonist, as is the case for the short story it is based on, the narrative would have been a tad smoother.
  • Absolutely loved Henry Rollins as the ‘flesh mechanic’, Spider. There’s a speech he has towards the end of the film that is still relevant today.
  • I loved how the upload scene and the ambush was spliced with anime and I’m actually a little sad that it didn’t utilise it a little more.
  • I think this film needs to be commended for its conviction to the cyberpunk aesthetic. Not only that, but it almost provides that bridge between films like Total Recall, Running Man and later ones like Fifth Element. I think this film would have been up there with all of them had the studio not gotten involved with the editing process.

The Bad

  • Remember that bit in Community when Abed went Full Nic Cage?! Well, it turns out someone beat him to that. Keanu Reeves basically transforms into Cage. While Cage would have been a perfect fit for this film, Reeves does not wear Cage well.
  • Don’t cut off the boy’s sideburns. Just no! What’s worse, it took me two thirds of the movie to figure out why Reeves looked so off.

The Ugly

  • The graphics of ‘the internet’ are so shit. Like, really REALLY bad. Even for the time. Although, I know I shouldn’t be too hard on it; Disclosure uses very similar ones.
  • Did Dolph understand the objective? I’m not sure he did. I’ll agree that perhaps there were ‘better’ people than Reeves for the lead role, however he does okay. Dolph on the other hand, should not have been involved in this project.

Final Thoughts

The Story the film is trying to tell shows promise and has perhaps aged much better than anyone would expect it to have, however I do feel that overall, and largely due to company edits, the message is lost in translation.

The Girls I’ve Been by Tess Sharpe (Book Review)

Publishers Hodder Children’s Books
Pages 302
Book Birthday 26.1.2021
How I Got It NetGalley
About: Meet Nora. Also known as Rebecca, Samantha, Haley, Katie and Ashley – the girls she’s been.
Nora didn’t choose a life of deception – she was born into it. As the daughter of a con artist who targeted criminal men, Nora always had to play a part. But when her mother fell for one of the men instead of conning him, Nora pulled the ultimate con herself: escape.
For five years Nora’s been playing at normal – but things are far from it when she finds herself held at gunpoint in the middle of a bank heist, along with Wes (her ex-boyfriend) and Iris (her secret new girlfriend and mutual friend of Wes … awkward). Now it will take all of Nora’s con artistry skills to get them out alive.
Because the gunmen have no idea who she really is – that girl has been in hiding for far too long …

This book is everything I wanted in a contemporary thriller read. It’s written in a way that makes it destined to be a hit when adapted for the screen later this year.

What I loved most of all was the almost dejavu feeling of familiarity I got from falling into the narrative. Not in a rip-off way, but that comfortable, I’m in safe hands, sort of way. It took me a day or to afterwards to pin point what it was. I’d recently watched the episode Monday of X-Files. The only connection really being that they’re were both set in a bank during a robbery. However, I would argue that it’s testament to Sharpe’s writing that I connect the book to one of the best episodes of a much loved show.

The characters are amazing and I must emphasise that I adore the introduction of a character with endometritis and the commentary of periods. It’s subtle and yet incredibly powerful. It also doesn’t feel forced or plot driven, it’s simply something the reader is left to consider, empathise or, in some cases, relate. It’s strange to say ‘representation’, however while so many women are being ignored when it comes to diagnosing this condition, having it presented as a condition that should be taken seriously is validity that a lot of women will appreciate. I do also occasionally wonder how many women will seek a diagnosis because of this book.

What I truly loved was that it works as a stand alone novel. I feel satisfied. However, if a sequel were to emerge I’d be happy.
One things for certain; between this and Evolution of Clare, Sharpe is a writer I will automatically read from now on.