Mental Health – The Queens of Geekdom

Beyond Work – Hobbies and Talking Points

All Time Hobbies

So these are the hobbies that have been around long enough that I don’t think I’m at any risk of them going anywhere.

Writing – I want to be published. I have amazing ideas. When travelling I can come up with so many details and occasionally, I can exist in that mid-point between the watching the story unfold in my head and actually being able to jot down the happenings. However, making time, sitting down and writing it?! Not happening. (Weird thing I’ve found?! I can’t think standing up. Like, I’ve tried a standing desk )
I hope that once I’m medicated, I’ll be able to sit down and get them written.

Films – They’re my comfort. The cinema was my special place and I still enjoy going, it’s just that there’s always someone not there to actually watch the movie.
From a yearly birthday treat with my mum, my introduction to Jurassic Park with my brother and the odd journey to space, the final frontier with my Dad, cinema became the anchor to my fondest memories.
Even in more recent years I’ve been to a premier, I’ve experienced life as Rebel Scum inside an abandoned Newspaper factory, and been to preview screenings with the director (M Night Shyamalan and Terry Gilliam) and got to ask them questions.

I guess I love films so much because they’re worlds that I can be part of and engage with, without feeling left out. The cinema also adds the extra buffer of it being dark, loud and the screen fills the wall. It shuts down all the thoughts (Except for when I went to see The Day After Tomorrow and I could not place the face… I even dared to press the internet button on my Nokia 3330 because I could not focus on the film. Alas, it wasn’t until my key was in my door that my brain blurted BENVOLIO to me).
Films at home, don’t have that same impact and I do sometimes end up on my phone. On IMDB and reading the trivia and making cast connections.

Hell…. can’t quite believe that I’m revealing this, but at the age of 17, when everyone my age was out clubbing and being normal, I spent nearly 2 years watching Die Hard every Friday night after The Jonathan Ross Show.
While we’re at the over sharing portion, I should also point out that every Thursday night I got the tv to myself for 30minutes. I would watch the first 30 minutes of either Jurassic Park or Beauty and the Beast. I would even use some of the time to REWIND.
If someone could tell me why I did this, I am very interested because even for me, that’s fucking weird.

Reading – I do love reading. Between 2016 and 2019 I was averaging around 100 books a year. Mostly preview books and reviewed right here. However, since Covid I’ve probably only read four or five and I’ve lost my connections to publishers that would occasionally see beautiful books and additional goodies arrive at my doorstep.
It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that there’s nothing else I can do while reading and my mind wanders.

Hobbies and ADHD

Hobbies are activities that people engage in for enjoyment, sometimes as means of decompressing, unwinding, and relieving stress. Hobbies are generally synonymous with pleasure, and this can take place by the release of dopamine “happy hormone”.
ADHD Specialist

The Abandoned Hobbies

Knitting (more because I cannot do it… I was gifted this ‘save the princess kit’ and all I had to do was knit a creature. She’s still there because I couldn’t follow the instructions)
Nail polish and painting my nails.
Greeting Card making. (To be fair, back in 2001/2 and all the way up to 2008, this wasn’t just me)
Collecting books (I became obsessed with collecting the World Book Night books from Charity shops. Didn’t want to read any of them, but the dopamine of finding a new one I didn’t own was pretty awesome)
Collecting geeky tees (It started with a silhouette of Benedict Cumberbatch and the most recent spurt of Qwertee purchases has its own locker-style wardrobe. Yup, right after Season 4 of Stranger Things dropped, there was a flood of designs and I was compelled to get each one. I’m still a little too fat to wear them comfortably.)
Turning geeky tees into a blanket (When it was clear I owned way too many tees. I sewed it by hand, which anyone knows is a bad idea. I had thought about completing the other side with my dad’s collection after he died, only upon cutting the first to size I was dusted with his flaky skin that was engrained in the threads. They had been washed many times, but I guess due to his condition …. in the bin they went.’)
Collecting dvds of actors (Michael Fassbender, Mark Ruffalo, Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Holland were just some of the actors that were the focus of this collect. I knew when I bought two copies of Avengers Assemble – one for Tom and the other for Mark – that I had a problem)
Collecting hippos (They’re just in a box now. They were in my classroom and actually meant that a kid would get me something hippo related instead of chocolate at the end of the year.)
Dechopatch (I made Christmas Dinosaur ornaments with dechopache in 2019. I bought more to make ones for Valentine’s, Easter and Halloween… but they remain un-patch’d)
Jurassic park card pack (God damn it! Such a problem. I spent so much on them to get a full set that I have a second almost-full set and a massive pile of spares!)

TIPS

I will refer to films. A lot. It’s all I know.
I equally want, and not want, you to read my stuff. I feel like its the ultimate gesture, but on the other hand I’m so hyperaware that by offering you something to read is an obligation… and what if you don’t like it?!
Never get me to do origami. I hate it. I cannot do it and I will cry. (That said, I once spent three months mastering the art to make a lily for a Prometheus birthday gift. I messed up so many times that even though the lily was meant to be white, I used all that paper and it ended up being a weird brown colour with an apology note. So, yeah…. if I badly master origami for you, that means you’re special.)

Back to the Manual

ADHD and Relationships

The short story of it all is, I fucking suck at them.
My family circle?! It is a dot.
Boyfriends? All toxic relationships and I’m certain I was just a sex gap until someone else came along. Dates? If they manage to get me out for the first date, most have been disasters. Funny, oh painfully funny, but disasters non the less.
Best Friends? You’d have better luck playing Where’s Wally
Friends? I have some beautiful and patient friends who are very understanding, and I mean no offence to them nor am I attempting to suggest they’re not enough. However, the issue of quality over quantity is more that it’s not a choice and losing friends seems to be a vicious circle.

In relationships, the hyperactivity symptoms of ADHD can be disruptive and difficult to live with. They can lead to unresolved important family conversations and can prevent partners and family members from feeling truly relaxed and secure in their relationship.
ADHD CLININC

Although every partner brings their own sets of baggage into a relationship, a partner with ADHD may often have the following issues:

negative self image

lack of self confidence

feelings of shame

These issues may at first be masked by their ability to shower their beloved with romance and attentiveness, a benefit of the ADHD symptom hyperfocus. This is the ability to intensely concentrate and become fully engrossed in an activity.
But that hyperfocus inevitably shifts. When it does, a person with ADHD may seem to barely notice their partner at all. This may make the ignored partner wonder if they’re really loved. This dynamic can strain a relationship.
The partner with ADHD might constantly question their partner’s love or commitment, which may be perceived as a lack of trust. This can drive the couple even further apart.
Healthline

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

Well, depression. In a nutshell.
What I desire is in direct conflict to what I have or think I can ever achieve.

I want to be loved

… but I cannot even do that for myself. What is it Ru Paul says “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Not to go against Mamma Ru’s wisdom, but the challenge for me is not loving other people; I can give it away in the boatload.
I loath me. I annoy me. I hate spending time with just me. On top of that I’m not the one who is ever going to have someone call me beautiful and I only have to think about a slice of cheesecake to gain half a stone.
How the hell can I get a bloke to even tolerate me, let alone love me?

I want sex

Okay, so I want sex on my terms and not ‘just’ sex. I feel the need to clarify because whenever I have ever mentioned this to entrusted people I’m told sex is easy to get. Firstly, experience has told me this very much isn’t the case. Going out with my Liverpool based ex-best friend I have two very distinct memories. The first, while she was married, was her telling any bloke that approached us that we weren’t interested. Yup, clam whammed by my own best friend who would then go on to shame me for being single.
Fast forward to 2021 and we’re both single. But because she’s recently divorced, I’m meant to be the wing-woman, distracting the friend and not going anywhere so she can get his number.
Even with dating sites, I know being a part of someone’s spank bank is easy to achieve and I have had the 2am “come to mine right now” as a first message on Tinder from men wanting the ‘fattie’. This isn’t what I want (I don’t want someone who will encourage me to stay fat) and I do not want to settle.

All the easy to get is that people assume sex is about the orgasm and it really isn’t. I want the connection, the communication, and the fun. Going for the aim of ‘just sex’, you get none of that and, as a woman, there’s little chance of a happy ending either.

As it stands, I’m too old to be out in a club to be taken home as leftovers. Equally, the whole being able to talk to men making in near impossible to flirt let alone anything that remotely resembles a conversation. I’m fucked. In the most opposite meaning of the word.

I want a relationship

It’s been 7 years since I last went on a date. That same date became my last ‘boyfriend’. I do not have the energy for the first date routine, anxiety and the exhaustion of it not amounting to much.

I want a someone who makes me laugh, and more importantly has a laugh that I could listen to forever. The routine, the partnership, the security and openness.

Given that anytime I have anything resembling feelings for a bloke, I know he will see me fancying them as something offensive, as they should. What follows is a shame cycle for cursing the man with me wanting them yet wanting nothing more than for them to at the very least, want to be the Esmeralda to my Quasimodo. That, dear reader, has only happened once. Seriously, in my history of admitting my feelings I’ve been laughed at, told they’re not wanting a girlfriend (only to say yes to someone else less than an hour later), told to go and die, told they were having a laugh by flirting with me and informed me that telling them was a firm of sexual harassment.
The last one said, upon being told I thought he was beautiful, funny and wonderful but knowing I wasn’t good enough just wanted us to be friends. (Yes, I asked a man to be my friend and it keeps me awake often) His response was to say he was flattered but that we should only talk about work… to which he promptly ignored every single work query I had and voted the man who shouted ‘no one likes you’ to me , and caused me to request a move, as a ‘leader of the future’.

I’m dreading the next time my heart is captured by a bloke that will be just as repulsed as all of the above. It’s painful because I don’t have the rebound capacity of a Hollyoaks character, my RSD makes it really hard to bounce back at all and I’ve pretty much written off ever telling someone I like them again.

So, over the last 7 years and partly due to living alone through Covid, I’ve learned to tolerate myself and my own company. Is it lonely?! Oh fuck, it’s painfully lonely. However it is far less painful than the alternative.

I Wanted a Family

That can’t seem so shocking?! I’m a woman and I bleed once a month as a reminder that I’ve once again failed to achieve what my body was built for. It also stands as yet another social check point, I’ve failed to reach in this game of life.

Once again, other people have reminded me that there are ways and I don’t have to make it so hard on myself if it’s what I want. Well, it’s not just having a baby. I’m not that person who is biologically driven. I want a family, not an isolated womb goblin to fuck up in completely different ways to how my parents did.

What I wanted was the social norm; the man, the kids, the happiness. The ‘insert holiday here’ table and photos to look back at with fondness. I just wanted some love to call my own.

Friends

Who didn’t grow up watching Friends and hoping for a life like that?
It’s not that I haven’t had friends, or still have friends. It’s just that I’m not very good at keeping them.

Part of ADHD means I’m someone who overcompensates. I’m a giver and unable to say no. Until I’m exhausted, and I reign in. On top of that, there’s the standard miscommunication and emotional deregulation that massively pisses people off and just as quickly as they’ve appeared in my life, they’re gone.

TIPS

If you are new to my life, I will always be petrified you’re going to leave me.
I cannot get rid of the thought that I am a monster and that’s why I’m unlovable.
If I fancy you, please understand I don’t want to repulse you. If I ever tell you or you find out, know that I’m not expecting a positive response, but please don’t tell me to die, laugh at me or remind me of how ugly I am.
If you’re a friend, I adore you. If I bail on plans, it’s because me not being there will improve the event and I know you’ll still get to go.

Back to the Manual

ADHD and Coordination

While clumsiness and frequent injuries could result from many things—coordination difficulties, absentmindedness, etc.—one cause that’s often overlooked? ADHD.

ADHDers typically have difficulty sustaining focus, and accidents are bound to happen when people aren’t paying attention. So, for example, we’re more likely to miss or forget small details—like that box we set down in the hallway ‘temporarily’—and then end up tripping over it.

But there’s more to ADHD and clumsiness than you might think.
https://www.getinflow.io/post/accident-prone-clumsy-adhd-cause

I’m writing this with a very achy hand, a dizzy head and a heavy feeling that my day was going to be ruined before it’s even started.
Not for the first time I found myself, not 10 minutes ago, face planting the floor. Tripping on what can only be my own feet, my balance is gone and my rather mundane life is flashing before my eyes. Luckily, with some ungraceful reaching, I managed to grab the lamppost as if I were a Z rate Gene Kelly, twisting my hand and pulling some muscles along the way. I still didn’t manage to avoid a concussion of sorts; my brain feels sliced, diced and muddled up in a cocktail shaker.

Last time I remember a stumble as bad as this, it was peak time traffic just after Christmas 2023 and I fell while at the crossing the main road. Embarrassed by falling over nothing once again, I rushed to the station and away from the lovely boys who helped me off the floor and informed me my mince pie was dead.
By the time I’d gotten down onto the platform I was feeling a little sick. Put it down to the fall and potentially hitting my head on the floor. I have this stupid habit of not putting out my hands out to break my floor.
That’s when I noticed blood pouring down my hand. Three months later I still have a scar, which gives you an idea of how deep it went.

It’s not a trip around the sun without me breaking one, or both, small toes. Only yesterday I managed to stab myself in the back with a knife and, no not in the metaphorical sense; I’d put my cutlery in my bag after lunch, returned to my desk and, forgetting they were in my bag, sat down without removing the bag from my body.

These photos are from July 2019 when I was partway down my childhood stairs and I took the trip and fall way down.

WHAT THIS MEANS?

I’m clumsy as fuck and the very fact that I’m still alive without any major accident is quite frankly, a miracle.
I spill food, I cannot fold for shit and I basically walk like I’m Bambi learning to stand for the first time. At best I’m going to look like a mad scientist on the verge of a breakthrough, but mostly I’ll look like a Muppet dressed me in the dark. Would I want to look pretty and attractive? My inactive and unloved loins say yes! But any time I do try, I end up looking more like a drag queen from PoundLand. Plus… I’ll go into this in more detail in another post, but I want someone to love (I’ll settle for tolerate at this point) me for who I am, not entrap with catfishing and filters.

TIPS

Please laugh. If I fall, I’m begging you please find it funny.
If I lose my glasses, make them your priority… I cannot see without them.
If it’s safe to do so, please don’t rush to get me up. Treat me like a laptop you’ve turned off and on again. I WILL be out of focus.
If I black out and that’s the cause of my tumble, remind me to trigger my heart monitor. The remote is on my keys.
Please point out food that lands on my clothes. Yes, that mostly means the shelf that is my boobs. You don’t have to point at it/them. Just tell me to check for foooooo…. omg THAT is why I wear so many patterns!

Back to the Manual

ADHD and the Busy Han Mind

I have a very busy and loud mind.

The hyperactivity part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) doesn’t just mean physical restlessness. It can also mean having a busy brain. A very, very busy brain. One that feels like the off switch is broken. A brain that becomes obsessed and consumed with its goals. Or a brain that can feel like a time machine, jumping unexpectedly to the past and critiquing your choices in one second and then to the future worrying about the next bad thing that might happen in another.
The Focused Mind

Me, I have about five trains of thought going at any one time as standard. There are a few that just run on in the background as permanent white noise. Two of these are *best if you imagine it being said in a Gollum voice*:

No one likes you (not even yourself)
You’re a repulsive, ugly inside and out, monster*.

*Trigger Warning

My Dad told me that he would have had me aborted if he’d known I’d grow up to be so ugly.

I tell you these things, not to make you feel sorry for me, but to explain why sometimes things that wouldn’t impact other people, hurt me. Also, to explain why I seem to have walls and appear stand offish (I’m protecting you from the monster that is me).
These two trains of thoughts are so engrained, they’re core values. You cannot change them, only I can. I’m working on it, but I recently had a set back and Covid didn’t help.

Most of the time these two thoughts are quiet, exactly like white noise. However there are times when these are very loud (or one of the other thoughts) and I cannot ignore them.

WHAT THIS MEANS

I am always battling the distractions that are going on in my head.
I might hyper-focus on the work in front of me.
I might be listening to something as this distracts part of my mind to allow me to focus.
I might not sleep for a few days if something is on my mind.
I might switch my working from home days.
I might hide away in a quiet space in work
I try and sit down first so I don’t force anyone to sit by me
I’m always early for a similar reason

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I’m not avoiding you if I hide away or become quiet, I’m doing what I think is best. (I’m doing it as a kindness to you)
If you need my help, you can still come to me.
If you want to talk to me, you absolutely can. I’m just, in the moment, convinced you don’t want to.

TIPS

If I’ve not got a coffee, red bull or anything with caffeine in. It’s a good idea to see If I want to have a break and get a drink. Caffeine is what also quietens my mind. Not as great as it used to, but I’d imagine that’s a lot to do with building up a tolerance.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

The Basics

Name

It is Hannah, but I will answer to Han (as in Solo. I prefer Trek to Wars, but I figured this moniker pissed my brother off).
Actually, I’ll most likely answer to anything, because there’s a good chance, I didn’t hear what you’ve said but you’ve continued to talk to me.
If anyone calls me the wrong name, I tend to just go along with it so if you hear me being called something else, it’s okay. The experience of attempting to correct but still being called Helen (In email of all things, it was right there IN WRITING. Writing cannot be misheard!) or Sarah (this happened only the other day and after posting this.) and equally not correcting and eventually being told off (Like, literally told off. I hadn’t realised the first few times then it was too late. Told me I’d embarrassed him) when they’ve been told means I just take the path of least resistance now.

Disability

I’m now almost completely deaf in my left ear.
It is another thing I’m awaiting an assessment for, but back in 2008 I was 70% deaf and given a hearing aid. In October 2023, an infection in the ear caused the ear drum to burst and the hearing has I’ve not really heard out of it since.
It’s also still really painful and I occasionally get a sharp pain in that ear

WHAT THIS MEANS

Well, this means that conversations with me can be a little harder. I rely on lip reading to support my hearing, so if you’re speaking when my head is down or I’m engaged in something else, I may not hear you.
If the room is loud, I may miss things you say
On the other side, I can talk loudly myself. Sorry for that, I cannot always regulate my volume. Please just tell me.
The focus on hearing can make me tired and/or cranky. It’s not you.

Tips

You may need to tap my arm, wave or even message me to get my attention.
*if* you’re wanting to sit next to me and there’s a choice, the right side is always best.
If what you want to talk to me about something important, get my attention then talk.
If it’s really important and/or its noisy, ask if I have time and take me to a quiet spot.

I'm a Literal Kind of Gal

I take things literally sometimes. It’s largely to do with tone of voice, but it’s not that clear cut. A lot of this was learned behaviour from childhood and as much as I’ve pushed against it, it sometimes slips back.

Examples

ONE – Growing up, if I was told to “shut up”, I would for the rest of the day. I’m nowhere near as bad, but I do still only really speak when I’m spoken to as a default. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s that I believe it’s what most people want from me.

TWO – A more recent example is that upon saying ‘oh I’m sat away from everyone’ someone replied, ‘because no one likes you’.
It was meant as a ‘joke’, but because nothing else was said to me and the body language didn’t match a joke, I took it as fact.
This actually made me really ill. I was having panic attacks going to work and physically couldn’t speak to anyone. The biggest problem being that nobody liking me is a core belief and a permanent train of thought. Now it had someone else’s voice and I couldn’t shut it off.

THREE – When I was eight, my dad told me any boy I brought home was ‘dead meat’. I took this literally and I became mute to most males. I still struggle today.
Yup, despite being in my 30s I still struggle to have conversations with men because while I know how to talk, put one foot in front of the other and all that jazz, I’m petrified that speaking to a man first about anything other than work related stuff will lead to their untimely death. (This doesn’t mean I fancy you by the way, 8-year-old me still thought the feeling I had for Joe Mazzello was because I wanted to be there experiencing Jurassic Park than thinking he was adorable so you just need to be that gender for me to have this sticking point. However, the problem is made a thousand times worse if I find someone attractive).

WHAT IT MEANS

I can be hurt by some jokes.
If you repeat certain types of joking behaviour that I haven’t gotten the first few times, it will take its toll.
I can isolate myself as this is a quick way for me to become overwhelmed; trying to consider what was meant.

TIPS

If I hyper-focus after a ‘joke’ directed at me is said, there’s a good chance it was a put down and you might need to reassure me that it wasn’t meant
Don’t tell me to ‘shut up’, even in a jokey way.
Calling me stupid is a massive trigger for me. I don’t know why but this is where I’m most vulnerable.
I tend to speak only when spoken to. This sometimes makes me seem standoff-ish and rude.
If someone I don’t know touches me, please suggest going for a coffee to get me away, even for 5 minutes.

Back to the Manual

Batley Grammar School has Demonstrated How Little the UK Understands the True Meaning of Islam

The teacher at Batley Grammar School was, and is, in the wrong. I completely support the school in suspending him. Not only from the school’s standpoint, but in terms of the damage this man has undoubtedly caused to the subject. I say this as an RE teacher of 12 years, a person with an ounce of common sense and a person who values human decency above all else.
I do not know what I am more ashamed of; the teacher who not only thought it was okay and has since claimed he’s expressing his ‘freedom of speech’ by presenting the Charlie Hebdo cartoon, or the flag flying Brits who have flocked to Twitter to insist Muslims leave the country, mirror the teacher’s sentiment of ‘freedom of speech, innit’ while also demonstrating that they fail to understand that this freedom voids their ‘they have no right to be offended’ rhetoric.

Muhammad (pbuh)

For those of you not in the know, it is an offence for any Prophet to be drawn within Islam. This includes Moses, Noah and Jesus. I must point out that very few Muslim students I’ve taught over the years have taken any issue with the presentation of the image of Jesus, being the most discussed Prophet who appears in many religions (including Hinduism). Why? They accept the culture of the UK and the fact that it is still a ‘Christian’ country which has displayed Jesus in many forms of art for centuries.
It is blasphemous to attempt to recreate the Prophets. Not having a law in place does not stop it being so, as some seem to claim. It just means that it is not a ‘crime’ here in the UK. Does it mean it’s okay to put young Muslims through distress because our country no longer frowns upon the use of ‘oh my God’ and ‘Jesus Christ’?!

The Intent of the Image

Since this news broke on Thursday, I have maintained that the biggest decider regarding the image is the intent by the artist. To a certain extent, is does not matter what the intent of the teacher was because if the image was intended to offend Muslims, you can give all the disclaimers you want; they will still be offended. It has been revealed that these students are in Year 9, that is a very hard age and year group to be presenting a controversial piece of artwork. I can only begin to image how distressful it could be..
It has been revealed that the image shown was the Charlie Hebdo one from January 2015. The one that caused extremists to kill many who worked at the office. They also recently came under fire for an appalling cartoon of the Royal Family. The intent of that image is clear; it is meant to cause hurt and distress.

The Teacher’s Intent

This is where I really find myself angry. I have thought long and hard about this over the last few days and I cannot imagine a rationale that would ever allow me to use that cartoon. Nor can I come up with a justifiable value that makes the hurt caused worth it. Any RE trained teacher, worth their weight in gold will tell you that it’s inconceivable to use an image of Muhammad (pbuh) in a lesson.
There is an online petition that is believed to have been set up by students. It is explained on there that the image was used to explain racism. Well, that proves that either the teacher is incompetent or that he failed in what he was really tying to teach because that image is not an example of racism. It is, however, an example of Islamophobia or, in a broader context, xenophobia.
Is it really a big deal?! Well, in my experience, yes, it is a big deal. Over the years I’ve lost count of how many times a child has wrongly shouted ‘That’s racist that’, so I do believe it is important to make a distinction between the different forms of discrimination and make sure it is understood that ‘Islam’ is not a race. While the religion has foundations in the middle east, your ethnicity does not exclude you from being Muslim.
I would also question the critical thinking skills of 13- and 14-year-olds and their ability to understand the image within the confines of its context. My professional opinion would be that even a high ability sixth former would struggle to understand and be able to detach personal belief to critically evaluate the image as the teacher wanted.

Robert Jenrick has weighed in and said “In a free society, we want religions to be taught to children and for children to be able to question and query them.”
Students don’t need to see an image created my someone who isn’t Muslim in order to question the faith. Once again, the views of those in charge of our education system prove they haven’t got a clue what we as professionals do.
He has also stated that issues should not be censored. What issue Jenrick? What issue was so important to discuss that no other resource could have been used? What issue could not be explored and questioned without breaching a student’s right to their religious expression?
Oh, and while we’re at it Jenrick (and Williamson), could you please show me where in any RE Agreed Syllabus is it stated a Year 9 class should discuss whether an image of Muhammad puts Charlie Hebdo at fault or Muslims? That’s the conclusion I’m coming to. At no point is it professional to attribute the actions of ISIS to Islam, nor is it appropriate to expect students to evaluate blame when it comes to terrorist actions.
With all due disrespect, Jenrick and Williamson, you have no place in commenting, you are a plague on our industry and the sooner you are out of every single teacher’s hair, the better.

The Xenophobic British and the Myths They Believe

“Blasphemy isn’t illegal here.”
“Your rules don’t apply here.”
“Go back home if you don’t like it.”
“We’ll never be an Islamic State for your voodoo cult.”
That is just some of the outrage from the Twitter-verse I encountered on Thursday. Every stereotype and mistruth I have tried to challenge over the years spat out by those who believe ISIS represent all of Islam.
I am not saying any religion is perfect, I’m agnostic for that very reason. All have a past that is embroiled in violence, corruption and behaviour they would rather forget, but they are not condemned for them in the way Islam is.
Isis (and any other ‘Islamic’ extremists) is to Islam what the KKK are to Christianity. After the attacks at Charlie Hebdo, the hashtag #NotInMyName trended, and it is worth remembering now.
Extremists use extensive censoring and cherry picking to come to the violent conclusions they do. They practice selective interpretations of their Holy Texts to justify the horrific acts and autrocities we are all familiar with. And despite the voices to the contrary, the British public believe extremism to be the status quo.
When the Qu’ran instructs

“That is why We ordained for the Children of Israel that whoever takes a life—unless as a punishment for murder or mischief in the land—it will be as if they killed all of humanity; and whoever saves a life, it will be as if they saved all of humanity.”
Verse 5:32

,an instruction many extremists choose to ignore, you must begin to question the true purpose of Islam and the information you’ve been missold.
I know many Muslims, I’ve taught many Muslims. I also accept that what I teach of Islam is far removed from what the living religion is (and that is down to the sanitation of the religion through the exam specifications. Some things we teach are in direct contradiction of what some students believe.) however, it is not a faith or community to fear. Islam is derived from the Arabic word “sal’m” which. literally means peace. Muslims know this. So should you.
One thing that has certainly come out of this, is that there is still work to be done to develop our multicultural country and foster a culture of acceptance. Between this, Brexit and the hatred focused on Meghan Markle it is becoming harder to be proud. It’s hard to not acknowledge how much like America we are when it comes to all forms of xenophobia.

When the Xenophobes Miss the Point

“It is only a F@@@ing Cartoon”
Twitter

“Cartoons don’t do any harm”
Twitter

You need to read what I say here carefully.
I am certain they said it was only a cartoon when the Nazis started printing cartoons of the Jews in papers. That is all they were after all, and cartoons don’t do any harm, right?
Yes, teachers use the Jewish cartoons today, but it is in a very controlled way in order to teach how those images were wrong, hurtful and damaging.
My argument still stands; the Charlie Hebdo cartoon has the same impact the Nazi Propaganda images had AT THE TIME.
This one of Muhammad (pbuh) will never have that expiry. The crux of the issue is not going away any time soon. So if you have a Muslim demographic, it really is cruel to expect them to engage in a debate about a forbidden artwork inciting violence in France.

Finally, I think the best way to simplify this. The teacher was an adult and pausing for thirty seconds could have resolved this. Not showing the image will not decrease the value of the lesson and, most importantly, will not cause harm, or do I show an extremely offensive image that will cause harm and distress to even one of the members of my class due to background while not adding much in terms of value to the lesson?!

https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/islam-muslim-terrorism-islamist-extremism-quran-teaching-violence-meaning-prophet-muhammed-a7676246.html

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-56548667

https://news.sky.com/story/batley-grammar-school-is-prophet-mohammed-caricature-offensive-or-freedom-of-expression-12257603

https://inews.co.uk/news/education/teachers-show-images-muhammad-robert-jenrick-batley-grammar-protests-931939

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2021/mar/25/batley-head-apologises-for-teacher-using-charlie-hebdo-cartoons

Open Letter to the Government Regarding Supply Teachers

Dear Dan Carden

Urgent financial help via Coronavirus Job Retention Scheme (CJRS) for supply teachers

I am writing to you regarding the financial oversight of supply teachers during this third national lockdown, which has seen teaching moved online as part of the government’s plan to curb the spread of COVID-19, including the new variants that are present in the country.

I understand the purpose of this action and welcome school closures as my time on supply between October and December 2020 did see a great inconsistency in individual school approaches to maintaining a COVID secure environment for students and staff. I personally have had to isolate three times owing to contact tracing in schools. In two of those instances, I suffered a financial loss due to having to isolate during term time.
While the Prime Minister is insisting that schools are safe, I must disagree and insist that it is a very subjective matter that does need urgent attention and scrutiny. I have experienced schools with robust cleaning routines that still have high numbers of isolations and I have experienced a school in which I refused to return owing to no precautions taking place outside of having windows open.

While I intend to outline my personal difficulties that have led to me contacting you today, I would ask you to understand that I am one of many people currently in this situation due to the revised stipulations of the CJRS when the scheme was extended until April 2020.

I became a teacher of Religious Education in 2009 and spent the better part of ten years dedicated to my career. However, in October 2018 it became apparent that my father, suffering from end-stage COPD and heart failure, was no longer able to care for himself. Being a proud man, he was reluctant to ask for any help and support from the State, therefore I made the difficult decision to become his carer and return to the family home. He died in November 2019 and while this was a blessing due to his diminished condition rendering him bedbound, the timing has led to great personal difficulties.

There are many issues regarding education that I am sure you are already aware of, and are not the focus of today’s correspondence, but they do explain my reluctance to return to teaching prior to the outbreak of COVID-19 and the subsequent lockdown in March 2020. However, by July 2020 it was clear what impact the virus had on the country in terms of employment opportunities and I began registering with CER, a teaching supply agency. I worked consistently from my time of employment in October 2020 until the announcement of this third lockdown and the closure of school buildings to all but specific students.

During the first lockdown, I was faced with an income of £409 a month, while my outgoings were nearing £700. My issues regarding Universal Credit, while something I would like challenged, is not my specific concern today but a mere piece of the problem. When the regular income of supply teaching replaced the monthly UC allowance, I was grateful to be able to, once again, support myself. However, and I hope you can appreciate this, the money I earned was all used to play ‘catch up’ as it were. At no point was I able to even consider saving for what now appears to have been inevitable, school closures. This is not to say that I have not been looking for permanent positions within schools for further financial security. Being trained in Religious Education and not practising any faith, and the historic emphasis on the International Baccalaureate in which RE plays no part, does make roles difficult to obtain irrespective of the current situation.

I now find myself working one day a week at a high school. This placement was arranged in December and I am lucky to have had the contract honoured.However, this is not enough financially, and I have been waiting to hear from CER about flexi furlough which was mentioned as an option when school closures were first announced. This has not transpired as there has been no changes made to furlough despite the imposed lockdown meaning my working opportunities have been drastically reduced. This is beginning to put me in a position where I will eventually have to make decisions regarding paying bills or purchasing food. This is not something a qualified teacher of any status should have to make.

I trust that you recognise and appreciate that myself, and other supply teachers, have provided a vital service that without, some schools would have had to have closed during the first term of the 2020/2021 academic year. Supply teachers have taken on a front-line role, with the understanding that if they were to come into contact during their daily work, they would have to isolate without pay and it is a gross injustice that we should accept the same while we do not have access to paid work. While some supply teachers make a choice due to financial stability, it is ignorant and wrong to assume we are all supply for this same reason.

Supply teaching has often been considered a thankless role and one that has a stigma attached regarding the individual and the quality of his or her teaching rather than a situation brought about by personal circumstance. I hope you can see from my situation; this is not the case. I would also urge you to understand that this oversight of financial support only compounds the issue and is conveying an opinion of our worth.

I would welcome specific consideration to how the Government is able to support myself and other teachers who are currently registered with a supply agency and would welcome an assurance from you that this will be looked into as a matter of urgency and raised with colleagues in the DfE, the Treasury and Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC)with a view for immediate and retroactive implementation.

I look forward to your positive response on these very important matters.

Yours sincerely,

Hannah-Lynette Hunter
Teacher of Religious Education

Why So Triggered? (aka why Karen Gregory’s I Hold Your Heart and Holly Bourne’s The Places I’ve Cried in Public are important novels)

This post has remained unpublished for a year. Last year it was about writing down my fears and thoughts that lead to panic attacks and never ending tears.

Now, I’m stronger. Now, thanks to Karen Gregory and Holly Bourne, I am able to quieten that voice that told me it was all my fault….

22nd July 2018

I’ve just finished work for 6 weeks, I should be so unbelievably happy right? Instead of feeling the chill, I’m more anxious than ever.

Upon returning home from an amazing hen do, I found myself amid one of my worst panic attacks in a long while. My route home was closed and it was suggested that I simply get the Piccadilly line.

Simply!

Only, there’s nothing simple when it comes to taking the Piccadilly line from central London. You see, Dick lives on the Piccadilly line. Not only that, but Dick’s ex lives on the Piccadilly line. Pray, how’d you know that?! Well Dick pointed out the very flat they shared on one of his ‘you’ll never be as good as her’ power trips. ‘I pay for it’ he informed me, like I’d care… right before I was made to pay for dinner ‘because you don’t deserve my money as much as her’.

The very thought of bumping into either of them not only has my breathing out of whack, it pulls out my soul and pushes me to the brink of what I’d imagine death would feel like. I’ve been painted the monster in her story and I’m not inclined to put her right. She wants someone to hate so she gets to keep Dick in her life. More fool her; he’s a narcissist who I met on a dating site. I didn’t steal him; according to his profile he was single and had been for a long time. This was a man who told me he wanted to pick a place close to me so moving in together would be easy; long before he told me that they’d still been together when we first met and there was overlap. Not only of me, but of a woman he cancelled our first date for (telling me he had to go see his dad) because he was garenteed sex with her and not with me. (That, was not the issue. The issue was him telling me he was out of town at his family home instead of being honest)

I have PTSD and the distance doesn’t help. It’s easier than ever to convince myself I was the one in the wrong. That I’d been ‘obsessed’ as he’d put it the last time I saw him; erasing the fact that he said he loved me first, that he’d never felt this way about anyone and that he’d covered up the fact that he was screwing 3 other women and had been since way before me and only told me because it was the only way to explain the fact that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. (Despite him asking, not me, and changing his mind without telling me three days later)

It’s a horrible thing to say, but I wish his abuse had been physical… this psychological torture he put me through, cutting me off from everyone I knew and manipulating me to the point of explosion, to then scream and shout at me for ‘over reacting’… I don’t know if those scars will ever heal.

I can’t face YALC on the off chance she’ll be there. I don’t go to signings any more because I feel she ‘deserves’ them more than me and i can’t go to Hammersmith without preparing myself for days in bed afterwards because I’m prettified I’ll bump into him.

It hurts but I feel like she has to come first. Clearly she got Richard, while I got Dick. I reached out thinking she’d understand. Oh how I needed someone to understand and tell me there was life beyond Dick. She’d met someone else and moved on; I experienced ‘depression Dick’ for a month to prove it. I just … well, I wanted to know her for her (having to hear about her everyday, you kind of get to know a person and, in all honesty?! She sounded fucking awesome and someone I’d get along with. Dick actually hated that. He hated that I respected her and actually took her side when he went on a rant about her having a boyfriend) but I think she thought it was to keep my ‘claws’ in Dick.

Sorry kiddos, but when a bloke has you in your FAVOURITE restaurant and tells you he’s considering making the girl you were told ‘wasn’t an issue’ his girlfriend, that in comparison you’re ordinary and recounts her sexual preferences (certain things he’d denied you when you asked) that he is happy to do this act because ‘he’s in love’ in a bid to make you react … you don’t want to keep in touch. You want your memory bleached of him. The ONLY thing you wanted was; the feeling of safety and belonging within a community and I was hoping I could avoid a Dick smear campaign (Dick had banned me from attending the 2017 YALC because she would be there so I feared …)

… … … … …

That’s where it ends. I considered finishing that sentence, but whatever I put now won’t be right.

I’m also aware, having had the woman my first boyfriend left me for 10 years ago lurk on my Insta Stories for almost two weeks, perhaps trying to befriend the exes ex was the brightest of moves. It was weird, stupid and not something I would normally do.

I Hold Your Heart by Karen Gregory is out now
The Places I’ve Cried in Public by Holly Bourne is out 3rd October 2019 but samplers and the chance to win a proof will be up for grabs at this year’s YALC.

YALC 2019

I will not be attending YALC this year. However, this is more about the fact that I’ve returned to Liverpool to care for my father than PTSD triggered anxiety. Plus, for all the books, photo ops and autographs I’d be wanting… I’d need a lotto win to accommodate. Nah… I’m going to spend next weekend curled up on the couch in the room next door to dad and reading my eyes out.

I will be missing some amazing people. Some wonderful women within the world of YA. I have found my people and I love them dearly.

Love Han x

Why the Exam Process is Fundamentally Flawed in England!

Consider this a Will McAvoy style rant, in part inspired by a conversation I had with the wonderful Non Pratt and our viewing of the GCSES2019 feed yesterday. Enter at your own risk… All views are my own and don’t seek to throw shade on any school I’ve worked in, but instead the government that is needing a detention!

I’ve been out of teaching four months now and I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that the state of education is not what I signed up for 10 years ago.

I have always been the sort of teacher who is proud of every child, regardless of their result. There is one condition; they have had to have tried their best.

Why? Why am I someone who never wrote “I’m disappointed” or “Must do better.”? Mainly because each and every year we put thousands of students (and teachers) into our own brand of kobayashi maru.

Right now it’s the Easter holidays for most schools. But their doors are not closed. Teacher’s have spent the week’s before scrambling Battle Royale-style to claim students for their ‘Easter School” and are currently making their way home from an intensive day of revision.

Students on the other hand are venting their frustrations on Twitter. Overwhelmed, stressed and anxious; year 11 students are making themselves ill.

I’m no longer on the front line, reassuring students that their health is more important and giving them the easy methods and tricks to revision; something I’d integrated into year 9 once I’d realised the new specifications where mere memory tests and no longer a test of anyone’s ability or skill. After all, revision at such an early stage moves information from short term memory to long term.

There are so many overlapping problems that I’m not certain where you would even start when it comes to fixing the issues.

Firstly, there is the issue of grading. Certainly since I started to train back in 2009 grade boundaries have been set not only post-exam, but post marking. This actually infuriates me. For the previous specification that ran for five years, there was an average increase on all grade boundaries of 5 – 10% until the passing C grade was an eye watering 70%. Only yesterday I saw a student wishing for everyone to do badly so that they could pass. No child’s grade should rest on the performance of others.

It also puts teacher’s in a stressful position. The one question that was posed to me repeatedly over the last few years has been ‘how many marks do I need to get the next grade?’ I answered in a way that perhaps the educational system was not wanting, but was perhaps the most honest; I didn’t know. I could tell students how to revise, I could give students the skills to answer the questions, but I could not tell them a true answer to what would help them cut corners. Student’s never liked it and only some understood. However, had I actually blagged an answer that would have placated them, but remove any flexibility in answering questions and any value to what I was teaching beyond the exam season.

Some teachers however do answer the question and it does give students confidence. However, they sit the exam and they do well. They jump through the hoops. Then, someone post-exam makes those hoops smaller. WHY? Why is that okay? Why is that fair?

Exam questions are assigned points based upon their complexity. Some subjects have their questions written at the start of the specification. If these questions have a value and demonstrate a skill; those grade boundaries should be fixed; allowing students and teachers to know exactly where they stand and ensuring that the grades are a true reflection of individual’s hard work.

But of course, the government isn’t really interested in fixing grade boundaries in order to give a true reflection of individuals or their abilities. Those leaders of education within the government are too scared of having a ‘weak’ cohort, they don’t have faith in young minds or the professionals within a system they’ve never worked in.

Government wants good results and statistics so that the data can be compared with other countries who are working within the IB framework. Yup, not only have we allowed government to restrict choices; it’s of no benefit to those who go through the stress.

Instead of pushing back against this, we’ve assimilated. Teacher’s pay, health and happiness in a vocation they’ve probably chosen long ago (I know I did) has been sacrificed so Britain can have a pissing contest with France and all those other countries we’re trying so hard to break away from.

This skewed motivation for the exam results is then filtered down. It skews how we teach; instead of the skills and independence that will enable a year 11 to answer ANY question, we (and I was guilty of this) throw out formulas and rigid methods of answers questions. Last years GCSES2018 feed was full of students before the English exam petrified that they would only be able to answer a question on three characters within Of Mice and Men; Lenny, George and the bird in the red dress.

We do it because we are pressured into grade orientated goals. We’re given a % pass rate target for a class, often irrespective of the ability. One year, early in my career I worked my arse off to drag some disenfranchised and unfocused students up to a predicted grade C. Was I thanked in the three weeks before the exam? Nope, I was asked what I would do to get them a B! These were students who were targeted Ds and Es. And my pay progression depended on these students playing ball on the day.

The best set of results I ever got? They were ones the school didn’t care about as they were sat in year 10; meaning they don’t count towards the aforementioned pissing contest. It meant I was able to teach my 35 students a three year course, in a year after school. The cohort was independent, chilled and confident. Not only did they get awesome grades that smashed their targets, a year 8 sibling of one got a C! At no point did a single child whinge that I didn’t tell them something. They all knew it was on them and they were there because they wanted to be.

What needs to happen?

• Have set grade boundaries

• Stop comparing the country’s results to others

• Stop performance related pay being linked to exam success

• Let teachers do their god-damn job

• Stop ranking your schools by results

• Reform the exams so they’re skill and knowledge focused and not simply memory tests

• Put someone that has worked in a school in charge of education

It’s Not All Doom and Gloom

From the Feeds

Today’s post comes from Buzzfeed and is a compilation of 33 wonderfully heartwarming photos.

Daily Three

I got to watch a film with my dad that I found purely on a few bits of information he gave me. Capricorn One is a tense slow-build of a film that actually even made me scream.
I tidied, hoovered and generally been productive. It’s strange that I had to move back home to unlock the full adulting level.
I made the perfect omelette. It didn’t stick to the pan, it didn’t rip as I folded it and it was cooked all the way through.

It’s not all Doom and Gloom

From the Feeds

Dad and ‘bonus dad’ share cute picture with their daughter to show how blended families can work

There’s no right way to raise a child. But there’s certainly wrong ways. This article is a heartwarming look at how people who bring a child into the world can make the best of a situation and put their child first. I’m not saying everyone could, or even should, but just look at how happy everyone is in that picture.

https://ew.com/movies/2019/01/21/kenan-thompson-and-cast-hit-the-ice-for-a-mighty-ducks-reunion/?fbclid=IwAR3NzlZ-68KyJHjTSB7RgEqk5BZs4pbIMz7t0n0HaE1r66lI_tQeS4kBJFw

Quack Quack Quack Quack! Anyone who is anyone should click the link above and check out the Mighty Ducks cast reunion in which some of the fan favourites took to the ice like a duck to water.

Daily Three

1.The internet has arrived. No more checking my phone every five minutes. No more expensive data bolt ons from o2.

2. I’ve gotten myself super organised with my blog. I have the next few months mapped out with themes and what not.

3. Anthony Rapp from Star Trek Discovery has liked my review of episode two.

Mon: No Doom, No Gloom

From the Feeds

This is all the joy. The Merc with the Mouth wishing international treasure Betty White happy birthday. The Golden Girl was celebrating being 97 years young last week and Ryan Reynolds didn’t let it go without a shout out from himself.

Daily Three

1. Got an appointment to be registered with the Drs

2. Made plans to see someone I’ve not seen in a long time tomorrow

3. I watched Riverdale AND… ever so briefly got myself onto the Hospital WiFi

Love Han x