March 2024 – The Queens of Geekdom

ADHD and Relationships

The short story of it all is, I fucking suck at them.
My family circle?! It is a dot.
Boyfriends? All toxic relationships and I’m certain I was just a sex gap until someone else came along. Dates? If they manage to get me out for the first date, most have been disasters. Funny, oh painfully funny, but disasters non the less.
Best Friends? You’d have better luck playing Where’s Wally
Friends? I have some beautiful and patient friends who are very understanding, and I mean no offence to them nor am I attempting to suggest they’re not enough. However, the issue of quality over quantity is more that it’s not a choice and losing friends seems to be a vicious circle.

In relationships, the hyperactivity symptoms of ADHD can be disruptive and difficult to live with. They can lead to unresolved important family conversations and can prevent partners and family members from feeling truly relaxed and secure in their relationship.
ADHD CLININC

Although every partner brings their own sets of baggage into a relationship, a partner with ADHD may often have the following issues:

negative self image

lack of self confidence

feelings of shame

These issues may at first be masked by their ability to shower their beloved with romance and attentiveness, a benefit of the ADHD symptom hyperfocus. This is the ability to intensely concentrate and become fully engrossed in an activity.
But that hyperfocus inevitably shifts. When it does, a person with ADHD may seem to barely notice their partner at all. This may make the ignored partner wonder if they’re really loved. This dynamic can strain a relationship.
The partner with ADHD might constantly question their partner’s love or commitment, which may be perceived as a lack of trust. This can drive the couple even further apart.
Healthline

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

Well, depression. In a nutshell.
What I desire is in direct conflict to what I have or think I can ever achieve.

I want to be loved

… but I cannot even do that for myself. What is it Ru Paul says “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Not to go against Mamma Ru’s wisdom, but the challenge for me is not loving other people; I can give it away in the boatload.
I loath me. I annoy me. I hate spending time with just me. On top of that I’m not the one who is ever going to have someone call me beautiful and I only have to think about a slice of cheesecake to gain half a stone.
How the hell can I get a bloke to even tolerate me, let alone love me?

I want sex

Okay, so I want sex on my terms and not ‘just’ sex. I feel the need to clarify because whenever I have ever mentioned this to entrusted people I’m told sex is easy to get. Firstly, experience has told me this very much isn’t the case. Going out with my Liverpool based ex-best friend I have two very distinct memories. The first, while she was married, was her telling any bloke that approached us that we weren’t interested. Yup, clam whammed by my own best friend who would then go on to shame me for being single.
Fast forward to 2021 and we’re both single. But because she’s recently divorced, I’m meant to be the wing-woman, distracting the friend and not going anywhere so she can get his number.
Even with dating sites, I know being a part of someone’s spank bank is easy to achieve and I have had the 2am “come to mine right now” as a first message on Tinder from men wanting the ‘fattie’. This isn’t what I want (I don’t want someone who will encourage me to stay fat) and I do not want to settle.

All the easy to get is that people assume sex is about the orgasm and it really isn’t. I want the connection, the communication, and the fun. Going for the aim of ‘just sex’, you get none of that and, as a woman, there’s little chance of a happy ending either.

As it stands, I’m too old to be out in a club to be taken home as leftovers. Equally, the whole being able to talk to men making in near impossible to flirt let alone anything that remotely resembles a conversation. I’m fucked. In the most opposite meaning of the word.

I want a relationship

It’s been 7 years since I last went on a date. That same date became my last ‘boyfriend’. I do not have the energy for the first date routine, anxiety and the exhaustion of it not amounting to much.

I want a someone who makes me laugh, and more importantly has a laugh that I could listen to forever. The routine, the partnership, the security and openness.

Given that anytime I have anything resembling feelings for a bloke, I know he will see me fancying them as something offensive, as they should. What follows is a shame cycle for cursing the man with me wanting them yet wanting nothing more than for them to at the very least, want to be the Esmeralda to my Quasimodo. That, dear reader, has only happened once. Seriously, in my history of admitting my feelings I’ve been laughed at, told they’re not wanting a girlfriend (only to say yes to someone else less than an hour later), told to go and die, told they were having a laugh by flirting with me and informed me that telling them was a firm of sexual harassment.
The last one said, upon being told I thought he was beautiful, funny and wonderful but knowing I wasn’t good enough just wanted us to be friends. (Yes, I asked a man to be my friend and it keeps me awake often) His response was to say he was flattered but that we should only talk about work… to which he promptly ignored every single work query I had and voted the man who shouted ‘no one likes you’ to me , and caused me to request a move, as a ‘leader of the future’.

I’m dreading the next time my heart is captured by a bloke that will be just as repulsed as all of the above. It’s painful because I don’t have the rebound capacity of a Hollyoaks character, my RSD makes it really hard to bounce back at all and I’ve pretty much written off ever telling someone I like them again.

So, over the last 7 years and partly due to living alone through Covid, I’ve learned to tolerate myself and my own company. Is it lonely?! Oh fuck, it’s painfully lonely. However it is far less painful than the alternative.

I Wanted a Family

That can’t seem so shocking?! I’m a woman and I bleed once a month as a reminder that I’ve once again failed to achieve what my body was built for. It also stands as yet another social check point, I’ve failed to reach in this game of life.

Once again, other people have reminded me that there are ways and I don’t have to make it so hard on myself if it’s what I want. Well, it’s not just having a baby. I’m not that person who is biologically driven. I want a family, not an isolated womb goblin to fuck up in completely different ways to how my parents did.

What I wanted was the social norm; the man, the kids, the happiness. The ‘insert holiday here’ table and photos to look back at with fondness. I just wanted some love to call my own.

Friends

Who didn’t grow up watching Friends and hoping for a life like that?
It’s not that I haven’t had friends, or still have friends. It’s just that I’m not very good at keeping them.

Part of ADHD means I’m someone who overcompensates. I’m a giver and unable to say no. Until I’m exhausted, and I reign in. On top of that, there’s the standard miscommunication and emotional deregulation that massively pisses people off and just as quickly as they’ve appeared in my life, they’re gone.

TIPS

If you are new to my life, I will always be petrified you’re going to leave me.
I cannot get rid of the thought that I am a monster and that’s why I’m unlovable.
If I fancy you, please understand I don’t want to repulse you. If I ever tell you or you find out, know that I’m not expecting a positive response, but please don’t tell me to die, laugh at me or remind me of how ugly I am.
If you’re a friend, I adore you. If I bail on plans, it’s because me not being there will improve the event and I know you’ll still get to go.

Back to the Manual

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)

They’re back to thaw things out

Rating 12
Length 1h56
Release 22.03.2024
Director Doug Lyman
About The Spengler family returns to the iconic New York City firehouse where the original Ghostbusters have taken ghost-busting to the next level. When the discovery of an ancient artefact unleashes an evil force, Ghostbusters new and old must unite to protect their home and save the world from a second ice age.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Cinemas Nationwide
Trailer:

The Good

Love the Trevor ‘tude. Finn Wolfhard really has that ‘I’m 18 so I want to be treated like an adult’ done to a comedic fine art and his story arc with Slimer is quite cool and there is a great pay off to it.

As much as I was worried about it, I’m actually quite happy we returned to New York and, even though we are back, this film offers us something different.

Paul Rudd truly is the gift that keeps on giving with this franchise. His paternal role and the conflict of not quite being part of the family is so beautifully handled from the moment he introduces himself as Phoebe’s ‘step-teacher’.

Lars and the new digs! Oh I love them both. Lars gives us a new Egon and the newly developed site blows the franchise wide open in terms of concepts. I also must admit that the final act also resets a lot. Almost akin to Arkham being destroyed.

The Bad

Getting Podcast and Lucky to New York was a tad heavy handed and while the film has a place for Podcast, I’m not sure it knows what to do with Lucky. The other aspect is that both characters are ‘discovered’ to be in New York for the summer, rather than the Spengler family knowing they were there.
In addition to this, the connection between Lucky and Trevor is non existent. In fact, I think they spend one scene together?!

I want more Lars Pinfield. James Acaster, being of a similar age and dry humour, is living my dream of being a Ghostbuster. Plus he’s hot, in that British way that was made prominent by Anthony Stewart Head in Buffy.
So, to say that we needed more, I mean it. He’s introduced and utilises impeccably well, for the most part. However, when it came to the final act, it was almost as if there were too many characters to handle and he just disappears, only to return in the closing moments.
It’s a shame, because he really is a great addition to cast. I truly do hope they take the franchise in the direction rumoured and he gets to head up a UK branch.

The Ugly

Melody, or rather the actress, being 16 is completely unbelievable. I know it is about her connection with Phoebe however, it would have been better to have gotten a younger actress or made the character a little older.
As it stands, it’s a little reminiscent of Shirley Henderson playing Potter first year Moaning Myrtle.

Final Thoughts

I loved it. I don’t understand the hate and I will most definitely be rewatching this.

ADHD and Coordination

While clumsiness and frequent injuries could result from many things—coordination difficulties, absentmindedness, etc.—one cause that’s often overlooked? ADHD.

ADHDers typically have difficulty sustaining focus, and accidents are bound to happen when people aren’t paying attention. So, for example, we’re more likely to miss or forget small details—like that box we set down in the hallway ‘temporarily’—and then end up tripping over it.

But there’s more to ADHD and clumsiness than you might think.
https://www.getinflow.io/post/accident-prone-clumsy-adhd-cause

I’m writing this with a very achy hand, a dizzy head and a heavy feeling that my day was going to be ruined before it’s even started.
Not for the first time I found myself, not 10 minutes ago, face planting the floor. Tripping on what can only be my own feet, my balance is gone and my rather mundane life is flashing before my eyes. Luckily, with some ungraceful reaching, I managed to grab the lamppost as if I were a Z rate Gene Kelly, twisting my hand and pulling some muscles along the way. I still didn’t manage to avoid a concussion of sorts; my brain feels sliced, diced and muddled up in a cocktail shaker.

Last time I remember a stumble as bad as this, it was peak time traffic just after Christmas 2023 and I fell while at the crossing the main road. Embarrassed by falling over nothing once again, I rushed to the station and away from the lovely boys who helped me off the floor and informed me my mince pie was dead.
By the time I’d gotten down onto the platform I was feeling a little sick. Put it down to the fall and potentially hitting my head on the floor. I have this stupid habit of not putting out my hands out to break my floor.
That’s when I noticed blood pouring down my hand. Three months later I still have a scar, which gives you an idea of how deep it went.

It’s not a trip around the sun without me breaking one, or both, small toes. Only yesterday I managed to stab myself in the back with a knife and, no not in the metaphorical sense; I’d put my cutlery in my bag after lunch, returned to my desk and, forgetting they were in my bag, sat down without removing the bag from my body.

These photos are from July 2019 when I was partway down my childhood stairs and I took the trip and fall way down.

WHAT THIS MEANS?

I’m clumsy as fuck and the very fact that I’m still alive without any major accident is quite frankly, a miracle.
I spill food, I cannot fold for shit and I basically walk like I’m Bambi learning to stand for the first time. At best I’m going to look like a mad scientist on the verge of a breakthrough, but mostly I’ll look like a Muppet dressed me in the dark. Would I want to look pretty and attractive? My inactive and unloved loins say yes! But any time I do try, I end up looking more like a drag queen from PoundLand. Plus… I’ll go into this in more detail in another post, but I want someone to love (I’ll settle for tolerate at this point) me for who I am, not entrap with catfishing and filters.

TIPS

Please laugh. If I fall, I’m begging you please find it funny.
If I lose my glasses, make them your priority… I cannot see without them.
If it’s safe to do so, please don’t rush to get me up. Treat me like a laptop you’ve turned off and on again. I WILL be out of focus.
If I black out and that’s the cause of my tumble, remind me to trigger my heart monitor. The remote is on my keys.
Please point out food that lands on my clothes. Yes, that mostly means the shelf that is my boobs. You don’t have to point at it/them. Just tell me to check for foooooo…. omg THAT is why I wear so many patterns!

Back to the Manual

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

A Mighty Motion Picture Of Action And Adventure!

Rating 12
Length 3h47!!!
Release 10.12.1962
Director David Lean
About Lawrence, a lieutenant in the British Army, is asked by Colonel Brighton to moderately assess Faisal, their ally. Lawrence is impressed with Faisal and seeks his help to plan an attack on the enemy.Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

The Good

Peter O’Toole is, certainly to me, the mid-century equivalent to David Tennent. The voice that commands attention, with a clear Shakespearean training and way of standing out among a cast of heavy hitters.
There’s something about him, on his own that is enchanting. You then have these beautiful, almost battle of wits, moments between his character and some of the finest actors of their time. My favourite is Lawrence meeting Omar Sharif’s Sherif Ali for the first time. It’s as if it was straight out of a Shakespeare play. He of course also goes toe to toe with Anthony Quinn, Jack Hawkins and Alec Guinness. It these interactions alone that make the film worth watching.

It’s a beautiful film with incredible shots and pans of enchanting landscapes. There’s no denying that director David Lean has an incredible eye. I’m not a hot weather girl, but even I’m tempted by what I see.

The music is out of this world. I don’t know if its true, but I feel as if there’s an element within Maurice Jarre’s epic and romantic score that was an inspiration or influence to the great John Williams.
The score here is so iconic that I’ve probably heard hundreds of times without realising it’s origins.

The Bad

The film is too long for the bookend filming device to truly work here. You forget about it by the time you reach the end. The film could have quite easily skipped ahead and started with the introduction of O’Toole’s Lawrence.

The Ugly

There is no need for the film to be as long as it is. The restored version on Netflix runs for 3 hours and 47 minutes and its very, Lord of the Rings with all the walking. I perhaps would have preferred to have seen the original parred down 3 hour and 7 minutes, but even that to me feels excessive.

Another David Lean and Alec Guinness bumble. This time, no prothetic for cultural implication. No, this time it’s straight up brown-face while Anthony Quinn is given the prosthetic nose and brown face. Quite a hard thing to watch knowing we have Omar Sharif, of Arab decent, in the cast.
This is the exact problem that actors are challenging today. A historic president was set that these films would not be marketable without this casting of white prominent actors and fitting them to the role. Equally, Sharif was made up to appear white in many of his roles.
This whole thing, and knowing those who are up in arms over The Little Mermaid and Perry White casting changes will not acknowledge these poor representations, too focused on their perceived injustice makes this film, and others like it, a hard watch.

Final Thoughts

A beautiful and epic film with a charismatic lead. Just really could do with an hour cut out to making it a much more manageable affair.

The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy (2000)

The shortest distance between friends isn’t always a straight line.

Rating 15
Length 1h36
Release 11.05.2001
Director Greg Berlanti
About A group of gay men struggle to navigate relationships and life in West Hollywood. However, a new member joins the gang, putting a strain on their relationship with each other.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: ITV X
Trailer:

The Good

What a cast.

This is not your typical LGBTQ movie. At a time when any mention of being gay would often go hand in hand with a parable about the AIDS crisis, coming out, or the connection to drug cultures, this film gives what I would say is still ahead of its time today; a film about gay relationships, friendships and community.
Its daringly mundane in its story, giving us the ‘turning 30’ theme and how the romantic proverbial clocks are ticking on a group of friends.
It’s heartwarming, it’s refreshing and I want these men in my life.

Timothy Olyphant leads this film in such a beautiful way. I’ve seen him in very few films and always playing a main antagonist or a background character so I am quite happy to see how well he holds his own as a Chris Pine-eque lead, questioning what he wants out of life, love and a relationship.

The Bad

I’m not a fan of Dean Cain of late and find his face smarmy and punchable. I honestly was expecting him to be a homophobic antagonist when I saw his name, so mildly surprised at hearing he took this role against his agent’s wishes.

“told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off.” Don’t know about anyone else, but not a fan of causal rape threats in a conversation over lunch.

They made my man a bad guy. Not even a run of the mill bad guy, he corrupts one of the youngest and most positive men of the group. We don’t get a resolution to it either, so the audience never know if he genuinely cared.

The Ugly

Niagara Falls.
The last act is emotional and with bring forth all the tears; from the heartbreaking to the joyful. It will have you reduced in one swift moment and those tears will fall right up until the credits.

Final Thoughts

This is what Singles (1992) wanted to be. It’s an uplifting, ahead-of-its-time film about friends looking for love, who just so happen to be gay.

ADHD: Overstimulation and Stress

Overstimulation is a state of feeling overwhelmed by the situation you are in. This might take the form of physical or emotional discomfort and feeling like your brain is frozen or you’re unable to think or process anything that’s happening.
VeryWellMind.com

It can also make a person irritable, panicked, or stressed, causing them to lash out at your friends or loved ones all while feeling a strong urge to escape the situation.
When an ADHDer is greatly affected by a certain stimulus, such as a sound or smell, this can lead to the following signs and symptoms:

Headaches, dizziness, or light-headedness
Feeling ill, faint, or nauseous
Increased anxiety and stress
Irritability and agitation
Issues with sleeping
Emotional outbursts
Difficulty focusing

WHAT THIS MEANS

If I am overstimulated, I will either shut down, hyperfocus or I will leave for a while. When in work this used to happen after a particularly bad call, and I would walk a lap, or three, of the floor.

Yup, I’m pretty certain when I’m overstimulated I resemble a Fizzgig. Certainly on the inside, but there’s a good chance on the outside too.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

If I’m irritable or emotional. It’s not about you. I’m fizzy. One thing I always worry about is hurting people when I’m angry. One thing I’ve always been told is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Basically, I’m not good at hiding how I’m feeling.
Oh and I may swear. A lot. Like, running four swears together. You will find it funny and you are encouraged to laugh.

Often if I retell what’s happened, unless I’m in tears, I’m usually going for ‘making you laugh’. Mainly because, in the words of John McClane in Die Hard 2 ‘How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?’… Only, Groundhog Day style.
There are many female grumps out there as examples, but in my retellings I am going for Perry Cox, James Acaster and Roy Kent type of humour. Also, I love nothing more than making people laugh, so there’s a good chance you laughing at my misfortune will break the bubble of anger too.

TIPS

Just that if I’ve started tapping on my collar and my skin starts to look red, draw my attention to it. There’s a good chance I don’t even know I’m doing it.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) Film Review

The hardest thing in life is sell.

Rating 15
Length 1h40
Release 30.10.1992
Director James Foley
About After all the salesmen of a real estate company are given their notice, they come up with a plan to get even with their bosses. However, their plan to steal the business puts them in tough spot.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: ITV X
Trailer:

The Good

Jack Lemon! Oh I adore Jack Lemon. Hearing him use “cocksucker” and “motherfucker” was unexpected and awesome.
In all seriousness though, it was an award worthy performance and his character broke my heart.

The 90s cinematography of grime and neon lights really sets the tone. I don’t know what it is, but I always love a film with rain.

The script is good and because of it starting life as a play; the characters are all played by heavy hitters who each have their own moments to shine.

The Bad

Don’t houses just…. sell themselves?! I don’t know much about it, but it felt a little intense for what I understood as a need and demand market. Loved the premise, I just think there was some context I was missing from either the industry or the time.

The Ugly

Fucking Kevin Spacey! I can’t watch his ratty little face anymore without being so friggin angry. There is the argument for separating art from artist, but this slimy dirtbag who I’d considered a “great” actor for playing these unlikable characters just cannot get that pass.
The only way I got through it was knowing David Harbour played the role in theatre back in 2012. He’d have given a different, yet amazing performance.

The homophobia and xenophobia is just too rife. It doesn’t let up. Again, it’s a seeing it for the time it was made sort of deal, but fuck that. I was never comfortable with it, I never will be.
That said, I loved the liberal use of the word ‘cunt’ in the final movements. I loved all of the swearing and I know to some people that is just as offensive.

Final Thoughts

Overall, the title is better than the film itself.

Trolls World Tour (2020) Film Review

Rock N’ Troll

Rating U
Length 1h31
Release 12.03.2020
Director Walt Dohrn
About When Queen Barb of the Rock tribe decides to destroy all other genres of music by stealing their techno strings and bringing them under her rule, Queen Poppy sets out to thwart her evil plans.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: BBC IPlayer
Trailer:

The Good

Sam Rockwell. I could listen to that man’s voice all day. I absolutely love his character too.

Barb’s method of explaining is to use denim patches like those you would find on a rocker’s jacket. It contrasts perfectly against Poppy’s bright, bubbly and crafty offerings.

The Bad

James Corden is in this.

The Ugly

The autotune on most of the music is annoying as fuck! Like, I’m not the fan of musicals at the best of times, but this is barely music.

My biggest issue is that not matter what genre that’s presented, it still has a pop sheen to it. Given that the film is about how different the genres all are; they really should not sound so similar. They even make Metallica sound like pop rock and the less said about the techno offering, the better.

Final Thoughts

Meh

ADHD – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) occurs when an individual experiences intense, severe emotional pain in response to perceived rejection, criticism, or failure. This goes beyond simply disliking the experience of rejection, and the individual finds these feelings intolerable or excruciating rather than just unpleasant.
Very Well Mind

I think this is one of the worst, and most damaging, traits I have from the whole catalogue of ADHD signifiers. It’s not fun, it sucks! There’s a few different situations that can trigger RSD:

Being ignored, overlooked, forgotten in a group setting.
Being told I’m wrong. Not in general, because that would be egotistical, but it’s when I know I’m right in what I’ve done.

Examples

I once unfollowed an online ‘friend’ because we’d been talking about Crystal Maze. She’d incorrectly stated that the show would air on Fridays. It absolutely did not. I explained why she *perhaps* was incorrect.
She came back with a ‘you are wrong’.
Now, I knew I was right. My life growing up was so meticulous and routined that there was no way on earth that I’d 1. Be filming the show for my father and watching it, only to watch it again with him, 2. Be watching it live on a Friday.
This was because Fridays, we went food shopping. When I say “without fail”, I mean that when I was a baby and shopping happened of a morning, my brother was run over and in hospital. My dad continued to go, with my mum, food shopping.
Nope, Crystal Maze aired on Thursday nights when my dad completed a Littlewoods Pools Round. It’s the only day he worked (Thanks Thatcher), and the only way I could have watched it twice.

I spent about 30 minutes furiously typing. I even found proof (not hard with the internet) and then … I deleted it all. I didn’t see the point. However, the damage was done.
Yeah, most of you would never unfriend someone over that. But it had caused such a painful experience that I didn’t see another way forward.

In work I had to categorise things. I’d followed the instructions, I’d done the correct thing. However, I received one of the items back with a note saying that it was X, and the queue I’d placed it in was for Y (You’re not meant to send them back to the person either).
Only Y was the correct queue for X. Always had been. By that person agreeing with me that it was X, they were telling me they didn’t know that what I did was correct.
So, again, I followed work rules. I contacted their manager and explained what had happened, why it was incorrect and what the result could be. It was a relatively polite email considered my heart was pounding, blood was pounding in my ear(s) and I wanted to be sick.
Then, I got a reply. “Do not send it back to my advisor. I’m seeking advice.” … MY RJD was so bad at that point that I could no longer work and requested to take the rest of the day off. You’d perhaps think this would be the end of it?

I received another email upon next logging on, a screen cap of a conversation (the question omitted) in which the manager and someone else agree I’m wrong and that they’re going to send more items back to ‘teach me a lesson’. Which they had. four more items were in my basket and all I could do was put them back in the X queue.
Even now, reliving this, my chest is tight and my arms are tingling. My head feels fizzy and my mouth dry. Knowing I was right doesn’t change this, because I’m often told to leave it, get over it. However, I’m certain if I’d done the same thing, I’d be made to apologise (Monopoly and Scrabble)

WHAT THIS MEANS

As the intro suggests, criticism and rejection are rather painful for me.
If it’s a perceived rejection, I punish myself. I will isolate myself (something my mum used as punishment*) and I will often stop eating.
I can become tearful. Not necessarily because I’m sad, but more because I’m overwhelmed and frustrated.
I can become snappy.
I can become hyper-focused on a particular situation. Bring it up a lot. Like to the point of boredom a lot.

TIPS

If you need to tell me about something I’ve done wrong, think about why you’re doing it: for me to learn, you need help seeing my thought process, you’ve been asked to. Fine, that’s great. However, make sure your language reflects that. Reason being is that if your intention isn’t clear, I will begin to spiral and become reflective.
If you’re needing help to resolve it, I need a clear question or instruction so I can focus on that. I always want to help, love to help.
If you’re doing it to just point out something I’ve done wrong, please just punch me in the face because I can tell you know, it would hurt much less.
If it’s movies, tv or anything pop culture. Just don’t bother. People have learnt the hard way that you cannot correct me on that shit!
This is a big one. Please talk to me at some point after you’ve brought anything like this to my attention. Just to reassure me that you’re not mad at me for causing you more work.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

ADHD and the Busy Han Mind

I have a very busy and loud mind.

The hyperactivity part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) doesn’t just mean physical restlessness. It can also mean having a busy brain. A very, very busy brain. One that feels like the off switch is broken. A brain that becomes obsessed and consumed with its goals. Or a brain that can feel like a time machine, jumping unexpectedly to the past and critiquing your choices in one second and then to the future worrying about the next bad thing that might happen in another.
The Focused Mind

Me, I have about five trains of thought going at any one time as standard. There are a few that just run on in the background as permanent white noise. Two of these are *best if you imagine it being said in a Gollum voice*:

No one likes you (not even yourself)
You’re a repulsive, ugly inside and out, monster*.

*Trigger Warning

My Dad told me that he would have had me aborted if he’d known I’d grow up to be so ugly.

I tell you these things, not to make you feel sorry for me, but to explain why sometimes things that wouldn’t impact other people, hurt me. Also, to explain why I seem to have walls and appear stand offish (I’m protecting you from the monster that is me).
These two trains of thoughts are so engrained, they’re core values. You cannot change them, only I can. I’m working on it, but I recently had a set back and Covid didn’t help.

Most of the time these two thoughts are quiet, exactly like white noise. However there are times when these are very loud (or one of the other thoughts) and I cannot ignore them.

WHAT THIS MEANS

I am always battling the distractions that are going on in my head.
I might hyper-focus on the work in front of me.
I might be listening to something as this distracts part of my mind to allow me to focus.
I might not sleep for a few days if something is on my mind.
I might switch my working from home days.
I might hide away in a quiet space in work
I try and sit down first so I don’t force anyone to sit by me
I’m always early for a similar reason

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I’m not avoiding you if I hide away or become quiet, I’m doing what I think is best. (I’m doing it as a kindness to you)
If you need my help, you can still come to me.
If you want to talk to me, you absolutely can. I’m just, in the moment, convinced you don’t want to.

TIPS

If I’ve not got a coffee, red bull or anything with caffeine in. It’s a good idea to see If I want to have a break and get a drink. Caffeine is what also quietens my mind. Not as great as it used to, but I’d imagine that’s a lot to do with building up a tolerance.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

The Basics

Name

It is Hannah, but I will answer to Han (as in Solo. I prefer Trek to Wars, but I figured this moniker pissed my brother off).
Actually, I’ll most likely answer to anything, because there’s a good chance, I didn’t hear what you’ve said but you’ve continued to talk to me.
If anyone calls me the wrong name, I tend to just go along with it so if you hear me being called something else, it’s okay. The experience of attempting to correct but still being called Helen (In email of all things, it was right there IN WRITING. Writing cannot be misheard!) or Sarah (this happened only the other day and after posting this.) and equally not correcting and eventually being told off (Like, literally told off. I hadn’t realised the first few times then it was too late. Told me I’d embarrassed him) when they’ve been told means I just take the path of least resistance now.

Disability

I’m now almost completely deaf in my left ear.
It is another thing I’m awaiting an assessment for, but back in 2008 I was 70% deaf and given a hearing aid. In October 2023, an infection in the ear caused the ear drum to burst and the hearing has I’ve not really heard out of it since.
It’s also still really painful and I occasionally get a sharp pain in that ear

WHAT THIS MEANS

Well, this means that conversations with me can be a little harder. I rely on lip reading to support my hearing, so if you’re speaking when my head is down or I’m engaged in something else, I may not hear you.
If the room is loud, I may miss things you say
On the other side, I can talk loudly myself. Sorry for that, I cannot always regulate my volume. Please just tell me.
The focus on hearing can make me tired and/or cranky. It’s not you.

Tips

You may need to tap my arm, wave or even message me to get my attention.
*if* you’re wanting to sit next to me and there’s a choice, the right side is always best.
If what you want to talk to me about something important, get my attention then talk.
If it’s really important and/or its noisy, ask if I have time and take me to a quiet spot.

I'm a Literal Kind of Gal

I take things literally sometimes. It’s largely to do with tone of voice, but it’s not that clear cut. A lot of this was learned behaviour from childhood and as much as I’ve pushed against it, it sometimes slips back.

Examples

ONE – Growing up, if I was told to “shut up”, I would for the rest of the day. I’m nowhere near as bad, but I do still only really speak when I’m spoken to as a default. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s that I believe it’s what most people want from me.

TWO – A more recent example is that upon saying ‘oh I’m sat away from everyone’ someone replied, ‘because no one likes you’.
It was meant as a ‘joke’, but because nothing else was said to me and the body language didn’t match a joke, I took it as fact.
This actually made me really ill. I was having panic attacks going to work and physically couldn’t speak to anyone. The biggest problem being that nobody liking me is a core belief and a permanent train of thought. Now it had someone else’s voice and I couldn’t shut it off.

THREE – When I was eight, my dad told me any boy I brought home was ‘dead meat’. I took this literally and I became mute to most males. I still struggle today.
Yup, despite being in my 30s I still struggle to have conversations with men because while I know how to talk, put one foot in front of the other and all that jazz, I’m petrified that speaking to a man first about anything other than work related stuff will lead to their untimely death. (This doesn’t mean I fancy you by the way, 8-year-old me still thought the feeling I had for Joe Mazzello was because I wanted to be there experiencing Jurassic Park than thinking he was adorable so you just need to be that gender for me to have this sticking point. However, the problem is made a thousand times worse if I find someone attractive).

WHAT IT MEANS

I can be hurt by some jokes.
If you repeat certain types of joking behaviour that I haven’t gotten the first few times, it will take its toll.
I can isolate myself as this is a quick way for me to become overwhelmed; trying to consider what was meant.

TIPS

If I hyper-focus after a ‘joke’ directed at me is said, there’s a good chance it was a put down and you might need to reassure me that it wasn’t meant
Don’t tell me to ‘shut up’, even in a jokey way.
Calling me stupid is a massive trigger for me. I don’t know why but this is where I’m most vulnerable.
I tend to speak only when spoken to. This sometimes makes me seem standoff-ish and rude.
If someone I don’t know touches me, please suggest going for a coffee to get me away, even for 5 minutes.

Back to the Manual

Road House (2024)

Take it Outside

Rating 15
Length 2h01
Release 21.03.2024
Director Doug Lyman
About Ex-UFC fighter Dalton takes a job as a bouncer at a Florida Keys roadhouse, only to discover that this paradise is not all it seems.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:

The Good

There’s a few funny scenes as a result of Jake Gyllenhall’s blend of violence and zen. If you do watch, just wait for Kokomo! Best scene in the movie.

Jake Gyllenhall, while not my cup of tea (My inner AJ Rimmer will not let me swoon on someone that buff), he does have that smile and charm to hold the film… for five or so minutes.

The Bad

The plot is lazy and stupid.

The Ugly

The filming is nauseating when it comes to the fight sequences, of which there are many. This film has a massive stiffy for Hardcore Henry (2015) so any time Dalton puts up his dukes, we get all POV with our cameras. It is horrific and the fact that it opens with a POV shot, with dodgy CGI arms belonging to one Post Malone means I’m checked out straight away.

Conor McGregor. I cannot explain how bonkers his performance is. From his Terminator-esque opening to his manical smile, I didn’t know whether to laugh or bleach my eyeballs.

Final Thoughts

Ouch! And that’s not for all the punches.