Mental Health – The Queens of Geekdom

Beyond Work – Hobbies and Talking Points

All Time Hobbies

So these are the hobbies that have been around long enough that I don’t think I’m at any risk of them going anywhere.

Writing – I want to be published. I have amazing ideas. When travelling I can come up with so many details and occasionally, I can exist in that mid-point between the watching the story unfold in my head and actually being able to jot down the happenings. However, making time, sitting down and writing it?! Not happening. (Weird thing I’ve found?! I can’t think standing up. Like, I’ve tried a standing desk )
I hope that once I’m medicated, I’ll be able to sit down and get them written.

Films – They’re my comfort. The cinema was my special place and I still enjoy going, it’s just that there’s always someone not there to actually watch the movie.
From a yearly birthday treat with my mum, my introduction to Jurassic Park with my brother and the odd journey to space, the final frontier with my Dad, cinema became the anchor to my fondest memories.
Even in more recent years I’ve been to a premier, I’ve experienced life as Rebel Scum inside an abandoned Newspaper factory, and been to preview screenings with the director (M Night Shyamalan and Terry Gilliam) and got to ask them questions.

I guess I love films so much because they’re worlds that I can be part of and engage with, without feeling left out. The cinema also adds the extra buffer of it being dark, loud and the screen fills the wall. It shuts down all the thoughts (Except for when I went to see The Day After Tomorrow and I could not place the face… I even dared to press the internet button on my Nokia 3330 because I could not focus on the film. Alas, it wasn’t until my key was in my door that my brain blurted BENVOLIO to me).
Films at home, don’t have that same impact and I do sometimes end up on my phone. On IMDB and reading the trivia and making cast connections.

Hell…. can’t quite believe that I’m revealing this, but at the age of 17, when everyone my age was out clubbing and being normal, I spent nearly 2 years watching Die Hard every Friday night after The Jonathan Ross Show.
While we’re at the over sharing portion, I should also point out that every Thursday night I got the tv to myself for 30minutes. I would watch the first 30 minutes of either Jurassic Park or Beauty and the Beast. I would even use some of the time to REWIND.
If someone could tell me why I did this, I am very interested because even for me, that’s fucking weird.

Reading – I do love reading. Between 2016 and 2019 I was averaging around 100 books a year. Mostly preview books and reviewed right here. However, since Covid I’ve probably only read four or five and I’ve lost my connections to publishers that would occasionally see beautiful books and additional goodies arrive at my doorstep.
It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that there’s nothing else I can do while reading and my mind wanders.

Hobbies and ADHD

Hobbies are activities that people engage in for enjoyment, sometimes as means of decompressing, unwinding, and relieving stress. Hobbies are generally synonymous with pleasure, and this can take place by the release of dopamine “happy hormone”.
ADHD Specialist

The Abandoned Hobbies

Knitting (more because I cannot do it… I was gifted this ‘save the princess kit’ and all I had to do was knit a creature. She’s still there because I couldn’t follow the instructions)
Nail polish and painting my nails.
Greeting Card making. (To be fair, back in 2001/2 and all the way up to 2008, this wasn’t just me)
Collecting books (I became obsessed with collecting the World Book Night books from Charity shops. Didn’t want to read any of them, but the dopamine of finding a new one I didn’t own was pretty awesome)
Collecting geeky tees (It started with a silhouette of Benedict Cumberbatch and the most recent spurt of Qwertee purchases has its own locker-style wardrobe. Yup, right after Season 4 of Stranger Things dropped, there was a flood of designs and I was compelled to get each one. I’m still a little too fat to wear them comfortably.)
Turning geeky tees into a blanket (When it was clear I owned way too many tees. I sewed it by hand, which anyone knows is a bad idea. I had thought about completing the other side with my dad’s collection after he died, only upon cutting the first to size I was dusted with his flaky skin that was engrained in the threads. They had been washed many times, but I guess due to his condition …. in the bin they went.’)
Collecting dvds of actors (Michael Fassbender, Mark Ruffalo, Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Holland were just some of the actors that were the focus of this collect. I knew when I bought two copies of Avengers Assemble – one for Tom and the other for Mark – that I had a problem)
Collecting hippos (They’re just in a box now. They were in my classroom and actually meant that a kid would get me something hippo related instead of chocolate at the end of the year.)
Dechopatch (I made Christmas Dinosaur ornaments with dechopache in 2019. I bought more to make ones for Valentine’s, Easter and Halloween… but they remain un-patch’d)
Jurassic park card pack (God damn it! Such a problem. I spent so much on them to get a full set that I have a second almost-full set and a massive pile of spares!)

TIPS

I will refer to films. A lot. It’s all I know.
I equally want, and not want, you to read my stuff. I feel like its the ultimate gesture, but on the other hand I’m so hyperaware that by offering you something to read is an obligation… and what if you don’t like it?!
Never get me to do origami. I hate it. I cannot do it and I will cry. (That said, I once spent three months mastering the art to make a lily for a Prometheus birthday gift. I messed up so many times that even though the lily was meant to be white, I used all that paper and it ended up being a weird brown colour with an apology note. So, yeah…. if I badly master origami for you, that means you’re special.)

Back to the Manual

ADHD and Relationships

The short story of it all is, I fucking suck at them.
My family circle?! It is a dot.
Boyfriends? All toxic relationships and I’m certain I was just a sex gap until someone else came along. Dates? If they manage to get me out for the first date, most have been disasters. Funny, oh painfully funny, but disasters non the less.
Best Friends? You’d have better luck playing Where’s Wally
Friends? I have some beautiful and patient friends who are very understanding, and I mean no offence to them nor am I attempting to suggest they’re not enough. However, the issue of quality over quantity is more that it’s not a choice and losing friends seems to be a vicious circle.

In relationships, the hyperactivity symptoms of ADHD can be disruptive and difficult to live with. They can lead to unresolved important family conversations and can prevent partners and family members from feeling truly relaxed and secure in their relationship.
ADHD CLININC

Although every partner brings their own sets of baggage into a relationship, a partner with ADHD may often have the following issues:

negative self image

lack of self confidence

feelings of shame

These issues may at first be masked by their ability to shower their beloved with romance and attentiveness, a benefit of the ADHD symptom hyperfocus. This is the ability to intensely concentrate and become fully engrossed in an activity.
But that hyperfocus inevitably shifts. When it does, a person with ADHD may seem to barely notice their partner at all. This may make the ignored partner wonder if they’re really loved. This dynamic can strain a relationship.
The partner with ADHD might constantly question their partner’s love or commitment, which may be perceived as a lack of trust. This can drive the couple even further apart.
Healthline

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

Well, depression. In a nutshell.
What I desire is in direct conflict to what I have or think I can ever achieve.

I want to be loved

… but I cannot even do that for myself. What is it Ru Paul says “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Not to go against Mamma Ru’s wisdom, but the challenge for me is not loving other people; I can give it away in the boatload.
I loath me. I annoy me. I hate spending time with just me. On top of that I’m not the one who is ever going to have someone call me beautiful and I only have to think about a slice of cheesecake to gain half a stone.
How the hell can I get a bloke to even tolerate me, let alone love me?

I want sex

Okay, so I want sex on my terms and not ‘just’ sex. I feel the need to clarify because whenever I have ever mentioned this to entrusted people I’m told sex is easy to get. Firstly, experience has told me this very much isn’t the case. Going out with my Liverpool based ex-best friend I have two very distinct memories. The first, while she was married, was her telling any bloke that approached us that we weren’t interested. Yup, clam whammed by my own best friend who would then go on to shame me for being single.
Fast forward to 2021 and we’re both single. But because she’s recently divorced, I’m meant to be the wing-woman, distracting the friend and not going anywhere so she can get his number.
Even with dating sites, I know being a part of someone’s spank bank is easy to achieve and I have had the 2am “come to mine right now” as a first message on Tinder from men wanting the ‘fattie’. This isn’t what I want (I don’t want someone who will encourage me to stay fat) and I do not want to settle.

All the easy to get is that people assume sex is about the orgasm and it really isn’t. I want the connection, the communication, and the fun. Going for the aim of ‘just sex’, you get none of that and, as a woman, there’s little chance of a happy ending either.

As it stands, I’m too old to be out in a club to be taken home as leftovers. Equally, the whole being able to talk to men making in near impossible to flirt let alone anything that remotely resembles a conversation. I’m fucked. In the most opposite meaning of the word.

I want a relationship

It’s been 7 years since I last went on a date. That same date became my last ‘boyfriend’. I do not have the energy for the first date routine, anxiety and the exhaustion of it not amounting to much.

I want a someone who makes me laugh, and more importantly has a laugh that I could listen to forever. The routine, the partnership, the security and openness.

Given that anytime I have anything resembling feelings for a bloke, I know he will see me fancying them as something offensive, as they should. What follows is a shame cycle for cursing the man with me wanting them yet wanting nothing more than for them to at the very least, want to be the Esmeralda to my Quasimodo. That, dear reader, has only happened once. Seriously, in my history of admitting my feelings I’ve been laughed at, told they’re not wanting a girlfriend (only to say yes to someone else less than an hour later), told to go and die, told they were having a laugh by flirting with me and informed me that telling them was a firm of sexual harassment.
The last one said, upon being told I thought he was beautiful, funny and wonderful but knowing I wasn’t good enough just wanted us to be friends. (Yes, I asked a man to be my friend and it keeps me awake often) His response was to say he was flattered but that we should only talk about work… to which he promptly ignored every single work query I had and voted the man who shouted ‘no one likes you’ to me , and caused me to request a move, as a ‘leader of the future’.

I’m dreading the next time my heart is captured by a bloke that will be just as repulsed as all of the above. It’s painful because I don’t have the rebound capacity of a Hollyoaks character, my RSD makes it really hard to bounce back at all and I’ve pretty much written off ever telling someone I like them again.

So, over the last 7 years and partly due to living alone through Covid, I’ve learned to tolerate myself and my own company. Is it lonely?! Oh fuck, it’s painfully lonely. However it is far less painful than the alternative.

I Wanted a Family

That can’t seem so shocking?! I’m a woman and I bleed once a month as a reminder that I’ve once again failed to achieve what my body was built for. It also stands as yet another social check point, I’ve failed to reach in this game of life.

Once again, other people have reminded me that there are ways and I don’t have to make it so hard on myself if it’s what I want. Well, it’s not just having a baby. I’m not that person who is biologically driven. I want a family, not an isolated womb goblin to fuck up in completely different ways to how my parents did.

What I wanted was the social norm; the man, the kids, the happiness. The ‘insert holiday here’ table and photos to look back at with fondness. I just wanted some love to call my own.

Friends

Who didn’t grow up watching Friends and hoping for a life like that?
It’s not that I haven’t had friends, or still have friends. It’s just that I’m not very good at keeping them.

Part of ADHD means I’m someone who overcompensates. I’m a giver and unable to say no. Until I’m exhausted, and I reign in. On top of that, there’s the standard miscommunication and emotional deregulation that massively pisses people off and just as quickly as they’ve appeared in my life, they’re gone.

TIPS

If you are new to my life, I will always be petrified you’re going to leave me.
I cannot get rid of the thought that I am a monster and that’s why I’m unlovable.
If I fancy you, please understand I don’t want to repulse you. If I ever tell you or you find out, know that I’m not expecting a positive response, but please don’t tell me to die, laugh at me or remind me of how ugly I am.
If you’re a friend, I adore you. If I bail on plans, it’s because me not being there will improve the event and I know you’ll still get to go.

Back to the Manual

ADHD and Coordination

While clumsiness and frequent injuries could result from many things—coordination difficulties, absentmindedness, etc.—one cause that’s often overlooked? ADHD.

ADHDers typically have difficulty sustaining focus, and accidents are bound to happen when people aren’t paying attention. So, for example, we’re more likely to miss or forget small details—like that box we set down in the hallway ‘temporarily’—and then end up tripping over it.

But there’s more to ADHD and clumsiness than you might think.
https://www.getinflow.io/post/accident-prone-clumsy-adhd-cause

I’m writing this with a very achy hand, a dizzy head and a heavy feeling that my day was going to be ruined before it’s even started.
Not for the first time I found myself, not 10 minutes ago, face planting the floor. Tripping on what can only be my own feet, my balance is gone and my rather mundane life is flashing before my eyes. Luckily, with some ungraceful reaching, I managed to grab the lamppost as if I were a Z rate Gene Kelly, twisting my hand and pulling some muscles along the way. I still didn’t manage to avoid a concussion of sorts; my brain feels sliced, diced and muddled up in a cocktail shaker.

Last time I remember a stumble as bad as this, it was peak time traffic just after Christmas 2023 and I fell while at the crossing the main road. Embarrassed by falling over nothing once again, I rushed to the station and away from the lovely boys who helped me off the floor and informed me my mince pie was dead.
By the time I’d gotten down onto the platform I was feeling a little sick. Put it down to the fall and potentially hitting my head on the floor. I have this stupid habit of not putting out my hands out to break my floor.
That’s when I noticed blood pouring down my hand. Three months later I still have a scar, which gives you an idea of how deep it went.

It’s not a trip around the sun without me breaking one, or both, small toes. Only yesterday I managed to stab myself in the back with a knife and, no not in the metaphorical sense; I’d put my cutlery in my bag after lunch, returned to my desk and, forgetting they were in my bag, sat down without removing the bag from my body.

These photos are from July 2019 when I was partway down my childhood stairs and I took the trip and fall way down.

WHAT THIS MEANS?

I’m clumsy as fuck and the very fact that I’m still alive without any major accident is quite frankly, a miracle.
I spill food, I cannot fold for shit and I basically walk like I’m Bambi learning to stand for the first time. At best I’m going to look like a mad scientist on the verge of a breakthrough, but mostly I’ll look like a Muppet dressed me in the dark. Would I want to look pretty and attractive? My inactive and unloved loins say yes! But any time I do try, I end up looking more like a drag queen from PoundLand. Plus… I’ll go into this in more detail in another post, but I want someone to love (I’ll settle for tolerate at this point) me for who I am, not entrap with catfishing and filters.

TIPS

Please laugh. If I fall, I’m begging you please find it funny.
If I lose my glasses, make them your priority… I cannot see without them.
If it’s safe to do so, please don’t rush to get me up. Treat me like a laptop you’ve turned off and on again. I WILL be out of focus.
If I black out and that’s the cause of my tumble, remind me to trigger my heart monitor. The remote is on my keys.
Please point out food that lands on my clothes. Yes, that mostly means the shelf that is my boobs. You don’t have to point at it/them. Just tell me to check for foooooo…. omg THAT is why I wear so many patterns!

Back to the Manual

ADHD: Overstimulation and Stress

Overstimulation is a state of feeling overwhelmed by the situation you are in. This might take the form of physical or emotional discomfort and feeling like your brain is frozen or you’re unable to think or process anything that’s happening.
VeryWellMind.com

It can also make a person irritable, panicked, or stressed, causing them to lash out at your friends or loved ones all while feeling a strong urge to escape the situation.
When an ADHDer is greatly affected by a certain stimulus, such as a sound or smell, this can lead to the following signs and symptoms:

Headaches, dizziness, or light-headedness
Feeling ill, faint, or nauseous
Increased anxiety and stress
Irritability and agitation
Issues with sleeping
Emotional outbursts
Difficulty focusing

WHAT THIS MEANS

If I am overstimulated, I will either shut down, hyperfocus or I will leave for a while. When in work this used to happen after a particularly bad call, and I would walk a lap, or three, of the floor.

Yup, I’m pretty certain when I’m overstimulated I resemble a Fizzgig. Certainly on the inside, but there’s a good chance on the outside too.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

If I’m irritable or emotional. It’s not about you. I’m fizzy. One thing I always worry about is hurting people when I’m angry. One thing I’ve always been told is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Basically, I’m not good at hiding how I’m feeling.
Oh and I may swear. A lot. Like, running four swears together. You will find it funny and you are encouraged to laugh.

Often if I retell what’s happened, unless I’m in tears, I’m usually going for ‘making you laugh’. Mainly because, in the words of John McClane in Die Hard 2 ‘How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?’… Only, Groundhog Day style.
There are many female grumps out there as examples, but in my retellings I am going for Perry Cox, James Acaster and Roy Kent type of humour. Also, I love nothing more than making people laugh, so there’s a good chance you laughing at my misfortune will break the bubble of anger too.

TIPS

Just that if I’ve started tapping on my collar and my skin starts to look red, draw my attention to it. There’s a good chance I don’t even know I’m doing it.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

ADHD – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) occurs when an individual experiences intense, severe emotional pain in response to perceived rejection, criticism, or failure. This goes beyond simply disliking the experience of rejection, and the individual finds these feelings intolerable or excruciating rather than just unpleasant.
Very Well Mind

I think this is one of the worst, and most damaging, traits I have from the whole catalogue of ADHD signifiers. It’s not fun, it sucks! There’s a few different situations that can trigger RSD:

Being ignored, overlooked, forgotten in a group setting.
Being told I’m wrong. Not in general, because that would be egotistical, but it’s when I know I’m right in what I’ve done.

Examples

I once unfollowed an online ‘friend’ because we’d been talking about Crystal Maze. She’d incorrectly stated that the show would air on Fridays. It absolutely did not. I explained why she *perhaps* was incorrect.
She came back with a ‘you are wrong’.
Now, I knew I was right. My life growing up was so meticulous and routined that there was no way on earth that I’d 1. Be filming the show for my father and watching it, only to watch it again with him, 2. Be watching it live on a Friday.
This was because Fridays, we went food shopping. When I say “without fail”, I mean that when I was a baby and shopping happened of a morning, my brother was run over and in hospital. My dad continued to go, with my mum, food shopping.
Nope, Crystal Maze aired on Thursday nights when my dad completed a Littlewoods Pools Round. It’s the only day he worked (Thanks Thatcher), and the only way I could have watched it twice.

I spent about 30 minutes furiously typing. I even found proof (not hard with the internet) and then … I deleted it all. I didn’t see the point. However, the damage was done.
Yeah, most of you would never unfriend someone over that. But it had caused such a painful experience that I didn’t see another way forward.

In work I had to categorise things. I’d followed the instructions, I’d done the correct thing. However, I received one of the items back with a note saying that it was X, and the queue I’d placed it in was for Y (You’re not meant to send them back to the person either).
Only Y was the correct queue for X. Always had been. By that person agreeing with me that it was X, they were telling me they didn’t know that what I did was correct.
So, again, I followed work rules. I contacted their manager and explained what had happened, why it was incorrect and what the result could be. It was a relatively polite email considered my heart was pounding, blood was pounding in my ear(s) and I wanted to be sick.
Then, I got a reply. “Do not send it back to my advisor. I’m seeking advice.” … MY RJD was so bad at that point that I could no longer work and requested to take the rest of the day off. You’d perhaps think this would be the end of it?

I received another email upon next logging on, a screen cap of a conversation (the question omitted) in which the manager and someone else agree I’m wrong and that they’re going to send more items back to ‘teach me a lesson’. Which they had. four more items were in my basket and all I could do was put them back in the X queue.
Even now, reliving this, my chest is tight and my arms are tingling. My head feels fizzy and my mouth dry. Knowing I was right doesn’t change this, because I’m often told to leave it, get over it. However, I’m certain if I’d done the same thing, I’d be made to apologise (Monopoly and Scrabble)

WHAT THIS MEANS

As the intro suggests, criticism and rejection are rather painful for me.
If it’s a perceived rejection, I punish myself. I will isolate myself (something my mum used as punishment*) and I will often stop eating.
I can become tearful. Not necessarily because I’m sad, but more because I’m overwhelmed and frustrated.
I can become snappy.
I can become hyper-focused on a particular situation. Bring it up a lot. Like to the point of boredom a lot.

TIPS

If you need to tell me about something I’ve done wrong, think about why you’re doing it: for me to learn, you need help seeing my thought process, you’ve been asked to. Fine, that’s great. However, make sure your language reflects that. Reason being is that if your intention isn’t clear, I will begin to spiral and become reflective.
If you’re needing help to resolve it, I need a clear question or instruction so I can focus on that. I always want to help, love to help.
If you’re doing it to just point out something I’ve done wrong, please just punch me in the face because I can tell you know, it would hurt much less.
If it’s movies, tv or anything pop culture. Just don’t bother. People have learnt the hard way that you cannot correct me on that shit!
This is a big one. Please talk to me at some point after you’ve brought anything like this to my attention. Just to reassure me that you’re not mad at me for causing you more work.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

ADHD and the Busy Han Mind

I have a very busy and loud mind.

The hyperactivity part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) doesn’t just mean physical restlessness. It can also mean having a busy brain. A very, very busy brain. One that feels like the off switch is broken. A brain that becomes obsessed and consumed with its goals. Or a brain that can feel like a time machine, jumping unexpectedly to the past and critiquing your choices in one second and then to the future worrying about the next bad thing that might happen in another.
The Focused Mind

Me, I have about five trains of thought going at any one time as standard. There are a few that just run on in the background as permanent white noise. Two of these are *best if you imagine it being said in a Gollum voice*:

No one likes you (not even yourself)
You’re a repulsive, ugly inside and out, monster*.

*Trigger Warning

My Dad told me that he would have had me aborted if he’d known I’d grow up to be so ugly.

I tell you these things, not to make you feel sorry for me, but to explain why sometimes things that wouldn’t impact other people, hurt me. Also, to explain why I seem to have walls and appear stand offish (I’m protecting you from the monster that is me).
These two trains of thoughts are so engrained, they’re core values. You cannot change them, only I can. I’m working on it, but I recently had a set back and Covid didn’t help.

Most of the time these two thoughts are quiet, exactly like white noise. However there are times when these are very loud (or one of the other thoughts) and I cannot ignore them.

WHAT THIS MEANS

I am always battling the distractions that are going on in my head.
I might hyper-focus on the work in front of me.
I might be listening to something as this distracts part of my mind to allow me to focus.
I might not sleep for a few days if something is on my mind.
I might switch my working from home days.
I might hide away in a quiet space in work
I try and sit down first so I don’t force anyone to sit by me
I’m always early for a similar reason

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I’m not avoiding you if I hide away or become quiet, I’m doing what I think is best. (I’m doing it as a kindness to you)
If you need my help, you can still come to me.
If you want to talk to me, you absolutely can. I’m just, in the moment, convinced you don’t want to.

TIPS

If I’ve not got a coffee, red bull or anything with caffeine in. It’s a good idea to see If I want to have a break and get a drink. Caffeine is what also quietens my mind. Not as great as it used to, but I’d imagine that’s a lot to do with building up a tolerance.

BACK TO THE MANUAL

Why So Triggered? (aka why Karen Gregory’s I Hold Your Heart and Holly Bourne’s The Places I’ve Cried in Public are important novels)

This post has remained unpublished for a year. Last year it was about writing down my fears and thoughts that lead to panic attacks and never ending tears.

Now, I’m stronger. Now, thanks to Karen Gregory and Holly Bourne, I am able to quieten that voice that told me it was all my fault….

22nd July 2018

I’ve just finished work for 6 weeks, I should be so unbelievably happy right? Instead of feeling the chill, I’m more anxious than ever.

Upon returning home from an amazing hen do, I found myself amid one of my worst panic attacks in a long while. My route home was closed and it was suggested that I simply get the Piccadilly line.

Simply!

Only, there’s nothing simple when it comes to taking the Piccadilly line from central London. You see, Dick lives on the Piccadilly line. Not only that, but Dick’s ex lives on the Piccadilly line. Pray, how’d you know that?! Well Dick pointed out the very flat they shared on one of his ‘you’ll never be as good as her’ power trips. ‘I pay for it’ he informed me, like I’d care… right before I was made to pay for dinner ‘because you don’t deserve my money as much as her’.

The very thought of bumping into either of them not only has my breathing out of whack, it pulls out my soul and pushes me to the brink of what I’d imagine death would feel like. I’ve been painted the monster in her story and I’m not inclined to put her right. She wants someone to hate so she gets to keep Dick in her life. More fool her; he’s a narcissist who I met on a dating site. I didn’t steal him; according to his profile he was single and had been for a long time. This was a man who told me he wanted to pick a place close to me so moving in together would be easy; long before he told me that they’d still been together when we first met and there was overlap. Not only of me, but of a woman he cancelled our first date for (telling me he had to go see his dad) because he was garenteed sex with her and not with me. (That, was not the issue. The issue was him telling me he was out of town at his family home instead of being honest)

I have PTSD and the distance doesn’t help. It’s easier than ever to convince myself I was the one in the wrong. That I’d been ‘obsessed’ as he’d put it the last time I saw him; erasing the fact that he said he loved me first, that he’d never felt this way about anyone and that he’d covered up the fact that he was screwing 3 other women and had been since way before me and only told me because it was the only way to explain the fact that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. (Despite him asking, not me, and changing his mind without telling me three days later)

It’s a horrible thing to say, but I wish his abuse had been physical… this psychological torture he put me through, cutting me off from everyone I knew and manipulating me to the point of explosion, to then scream and shout at me for ‘over reacting’… I don’t know if those scars will ever heal.

I can’t face YALC on the off chance she’ll be there. I don’t go to signings any more because I feel she ‘deserves’ them more than me and i can’t go to Hammersmith without preparing myself for days in bed afterwards because I’m prettified I’ll bump into him.

It hurts but I feel like she has to come first. Clearly she got Richard, while I got Dick. I reached out thinking she’d understand. Oh how I needed someone to understand and tell me there was life beyond Dick. She’d met someone else and moved on; I experienced ‘depression Dick’ for a month to prove it. I just … well, I wanted to know her for her (having to hear about her everyday, you kind of get to know a person and, in all honesty?! She sounded fucking awesome and someone I’d get along with. Dick actually hated that. He hated that I respected her and actually took her side when he went on a rant about her having a boyfriend) but I think she thought it was to keep my ‘claws’ in Dick.

Sorry kiddos, but when a bloke has you in your FAVOURITE restaurant and tells you he’s considering making the girl you were told ‘wasn’t an issue’ his girlfriend, that in comparison you’re ordinary and recounts her sexual preferences (certain things he’d denied you when you asked) that he is happy to do this act because ‘he’s in love’ in a bid to make you react … you don’t want to keep in touch. You want your memory bleached of him. The ONLY thing you wanted was; the feeling of safety and belonging within a community and I was hoping I could avoid a Dick smear campaign (Dick had banned me from attending the 2017 YALC because she would be there so I feared …)

… … … … …

That’s where it ends. I considered finishing that sentence, but whatever I put now won’t be right.

I’m also aware, having had the woman my first boyfriend left me for 10 years ago lurk on my Insta Stories for almost two weeks, perhaps trying to befriend the exes ex was the brightest of moves. It was weird, stupid and not something I would normally do.

I Hold Your Heart by Karen Gregory is out now
The Places I’ve Cried in Public by Holly Bourne is out 3rd October 2019 but samplers and the chance to win a proof will be up for grabs at this year’s YALC.

YALC 2019

I will not be attending YALC this year. However, this is more about the fact that I’ve returned to Liverpool to care for my father than PTSD triggered anxiety. Plus, for all the books, photo ops and autographs I’d be wanting… I’d need a lotto win to accommodate. Nah… I’m going to spend next weekend curled up on the couch in the room next door to dad and reading my eyes out.

I will be missing some amazing people. Some wonderful women within the world of YA. I have found my people and I love them dearly.

Love Han x

If There’s a Meme…

I don’t explain things that cause my depression because I think ‘it’s just me. My explanation doesn’t help other people’ well… if there’s a meme, it shows it’s not just me.

I’m going to do my best to use my blog explain to people what the memes I find mean, certainly the thought process I go through, and perhaps what you can do to help those you love.

Often the biggest thing for people suffering from depression, anxiety or self esteem issues (forever personified in my posts as Gollum) is this concept of isolation. Certainly for me, its my biggest fear and is long rooted in my belief that it’s a deserved punishment and me not being around is ‘best’ for everyone.

It’s Gollum’s favourite breeding ground, mainly because there’s no one there to challenge its voice. No matter how strong you are, when isolated, you will finally succumb to it’s Sith mind tricks.

My Gollum, for example, isolates me when I feel an impending punishment. It’s never me hiding or trying to escape a punishment; it’s me going ‘I agree, I agree, don’t hate me… forgive me PLEASE don’t make me be alone’. This happens in my personal and professional life and has, in the past, been rather soul destroying.

For example, let’s say you’ve been informed that your sour face is pissing everyone off and it ‘has to stop’ (read- I’ve once been told by a job who knew I was suffering from depression ‘you look too depressed. Pick yourself up and stop being so depressed’). You’ve been fighting your voice’s comments of ‘yes, you’re sad and everyone knows it. They don’t care, they’ll just want it to stop because you’re pissing them off. You know you can’t just snap a finger and become happy so you might as well go and hide. ‘Come with me and we’ll be Quasimodo together!’

If that doesn’t work, Gollum will change tact; they know you well enough to have every trick in the book after all. They use the greater good approach ‘your upsetting everyone by being sad. You’re poisoning the water source. Sacrifice the thing you need to save the rest. Your happiness isn’t important and your absence won’t hurt anyone.’

Of course, to the outsider, the world revolves around them. Not in a narcissistic sense, but it’s our default setting to think along those terms. Of ‘how is this about me?’

So when a person like myself begins to isolate, the average person will take it as a slight and be offended. They sometimes will become defensive and hostile. Sometimes they’ll become so angry that they don’t listen when you explain ‘I’m doing this FOR you.’ and instead hear ‘I’m doing this BECAUSE of you.’

Once Gollum has found a crack and wedged their way in, its hard to not let them take root. They’ll use soundbites from people to reinforce a narratives that will isolate further.

One of the biggest faux pas anyone can do at this point, is speak for other people. That’s what Gollum does and they love these sort of people. It’s like cocaine to Gollum; they can’t get enough.

Upon trying to explain to someone that I isolated myself because I was told my ‘low moods’ (ie me being overly quiet post Christmas because while the office talk of the holidays was all jolly, mine was far from it. I didn’t want to ‘poison the water’ so I kept my mouth shut and internally isolating myself began) were pissing people off.

A complaint was made (rather formal, to Gollum’s delight) and I isolated myself further, only physically this time. This physical isolation can be seen in two ways; location is simple enough, a person would find somewhere that allows them to be alone and begin turning down offers for going out. The other isolation being social presence. I will make myself as small and as invisible as possible. My shoulders, head and arms curl inwards and my eyes remain firmly on the floor. In some extreme circumstances, I will stop eating in order to lose weight.

I’ve once found myself trying to explain to someone and they responded in a Borg-like fashion; ‘we’re pissed off with you for pulling away from us. We’re all just so angry at you.’ Which just made me retreat further into myself.

It’s not the first ‘we’ statement and it won’t be the last but they all reinforce Gollum’s narrative that my existence is corrosive and sometimes that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t born. I’ve found out later, in some cases, that people often misrepresent others when it’s said that ‘we’re all angry at you’. But by then, the damage is done.

It then becomes a rather vicious cyclic torture. One which sometimes a person can’t get out of without help. Sometimes mine ends quite sadly and I’m told ‘you’re going to end up very lonely if you keep pushing people away’ and I do worry sometimes I cut people off too quickly. Maybe I do, but (and it’s a story for another day) I am finding I’m much more content in my own company and cutting those people out removes a massive stress and toxicity from my life.

So, you’ve stuck through my rambles and you’re now looking for the advice. Depression, anxiety and self esteem issues come in all different shapes and sizes so this isn’t a ‘one size fits all’. Also, please remember that I’m not medical profession and if you are worried about a loved one and want further help and guidance, please head here for websites and contact details for the people in the know.

It might be hard, but don’t take it too personally and don’t go in on the defensive. Don’t be poking them for an explanation, if one is not forthcoming. Chances are they might not be able to explain it.
Don’t try and understand. It’s not for you to understand and that sort of knowledge will not help the person. In fact, it can come across as all you’re doing is prioritising your needs.
Try not to speak for other people. Don’t use pluralised pronouns, what you say will be held as ‘evidence’ and out of context.
Ask them if they want a hug. While i often come across as a bull in a China shop, a hug is the biggest thing that I’d want.
And most importantly: if someone asks you for help; never deny them it. No matter how offended you It’s taken all their energy and power to break from Gollum long enough to ask. And with it came the fear that you’d prove Gollum “right” and that they don’t deserve your help.