Tag: Vampires should not sparkle

Twilight (2008) Halloween Advent 2022

Rating 12
Length 2h02
Release 03.12.2008
Director Catherine Hardwicke
About When Bella Swan relocates to Forks, Washington, to live with her father, she meets a mysterious boy, Edward Cullen, and gets drawn to him. Later, she discovers that he is a vampire.
Moon: no full moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

Trick

  • Kristen Stewart cannot act. She’s atrocious in this; from her heavy handed approach to the script to the zero chemistry she has with Robert Patterson. Even the ‘jokes’ she’s meant to tell fall flat.
    Which I guess isn’t entirely Stewart’s fault: the character of Bella is void of anything that would make her interesting. Hell, she’s void of anything that makes her remotely passable as a human being. The fact that she has anything with a penis after her, begged the same question then and now: Does she have beer flavoured nipples?
  • Robert Patterson plays the part of a constipated century old teen with facial expressions he can only have learnt from playing dead for so long in Potter. Jesus, it’s sometimes painful to watch. It’s hard to tell whether the ‘I don’t want to be here’ aura was an act, or just realisation it was a massive mistake to have signed on for a known franchise.
  • The biggest problem with this film is the fact that it’s a “romance”. This is a 110 year old man, creeping into a 17 year old’s bedroom (without consent) to watch her sleep. Just because he looks like Rob Pattison and not Danny DeVito, what, makes it okay?! Fuck no! Unfortunately, imagining Danny DeVito pulling the faces and sparkling like Edward does, does not repulse me. It makes me cackle with such laughter.
    I digress. This is a toxic relationship that has actually warped a generation’s understanding of what a partner should be like. Edward and Bella are up there with Romeo and Juliet of couples that people should not, but totally do, aspire to be. Fuck that noise.
  • Vampires should never sparkle! Ever. They certainly shouldn’t whine that they are hideous while they sparkle. Vampires also shouldn’t do the fast running, “spider monkey” shit they have Edward doing.

Treat

  • The soundtrack is badass. Too good for such trash. Seriously, it’s an emo/ indie kid’s wet dream and about the only saving grace to today’s watch.
  • Anna Kendrick. Oh, she took her baby steps in this so she could own, and run, with Pitch Perfect. (Confession: I almost vetoed Pitch Perfect because of how much I loathed the character she plays in Twilight. Thank God, because Kendrick is the Queen)
  • Rachelle Lefervre is the perfect Victoria and it really is a shame she doesn’t get her time to shine in the third of the franchise. While she’s a little bit wasted here, that stormy departure from the prom have us a hint of what we’d have gotten had Dallas-Howard elbowed her way in.
  • Not only do we have the perfect casting of Billy Burke, we have the sole awesome character in Charlie Swan. Seriously, him cleaning the gun as Edward arrives. *Chef’s kiss*

Final Thoughts

Not even the fond memories of watching this film back in 2008 could redeem this garbage. It’s not romantic. Its perhaps, at best, necromantic but lets face it Edward is a creepy little paedophile and Bella needs a lot of help for what I can only imagine is vampiric Stockholm syndrome.