Christmas – The Queens of Geekdom

The Princess Bride (1987) Christmas review

Rating PG
Length 1h38
Release 01.02.2023 (In the US)
Director Rob Reiner
About Buttercup, a princess, is madly in love with a farm boy, Westley. Unfortunately, things take a turn in their lives when Westley goes out in search of employment and gets attacked by a pirate.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for rental or purchase), Free on ITVX
Trailer:

First Thoughts

There are some films that are meant to become part of who you are and there are films that are beloved by a generation. Sometimes, there are films that manage to be both… and more.

I first watched The Princess Bride without knowing what it was called and I didn’t watch it from the start. Buttercup was in the eel infested waters and I was hooked.
It was at least five years before I managed to watch it from the beginning, but from that point it was in regular rotation and among classics such as Goonies and Labyrinth.

Naughty

The “true love” of Wesley is never in question for me, that man loves Buttercup and will do anything for her. Buttercup, on the other hand? You’re telling me she needed three specific words to realise her world’s Superman is Clark Kent?!
Pffft, as sure as I recognise Jack Skellington in Humperdinck, Buttercup should recognise the non-Sicilian voice during the duel of wits.
Yes, another Buttercup grumble. Did she really have to be so… damsel in destress?! She jumps into eel infested waters and there’s a rebellious nature about her that makes her simply standing and whimpering as Wesley fights an ROUS very, very, annoying.

Nice

The plot device of sick Wonder Years boy and Grampa Columbo spending quality time together and reading the book that unfolds is one of a few instances in which this works. It takes you out of the story, with purpose.
The cast is incredible. The main cast are incredible; individually and as part of an ensemble. However, it is also the supporting cameo performances that are as memorable. The only problem you’ll have is deciding who is the best and I’ll be honest; that will change depending on when you view the film.
The testament of this being an excellent film is when you come to a rewatch, there’s the anticipation of the next great scene and knowing it is going to make you laugh.
My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. The story arc of Puss in Boots in human form, gives the audience some of the best parts of this film; from his clash with the Man in Black, to his uttering of the words above. It’s heartbreaking, wholesome and funny.
Then there’s the consideration of what is known about Mandy Patinkin at the time of filming and how he used his personal experience and the loss of his own father to add conviction to the showdown with the Six Fingered Man.
On an additional note in regards to behind the scenes; the more you read about the filming the bigger your smile will be while watching; for example, the tale of Cary Elwes’ broken foot kicks the ass of the Lord of the Rings’ broken foot story.

Final Thoughts

I will never tire of this film. Rob Reiner is an incredible director and has created an uplifting film that will remain as beloved for many years to come.

A Christmas Gift from Bob (2020) Christmas Film Review

Rating 12
Length 1h32
Release 06.11.2020
Director Charles Martin Smith
About ames Bowen remembers his last Christmas when he was in a bad place and how his life turned around after he adopted Bob.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for rental or purchase)/ Now TV
Trailer:

Naughty

While I enjoyed the film and followed it just fine, I think it would benefit from me seeing the 2016’s A Cat Named Bob first. There’s a lot that I think would be added had this been a stand alone film.

Nice

There’s everything you need in this film for the feel good warm and fuzzies: good winning out, a community united for a good cause, selflessness and a very happy ending.

Anna Wilson-Jones as a fictional Nigella is a charming addition to the proceedings. Yes, its a little too sweet but Christmas is a perfect time for that.

The character of Moody and his beautiful stories that help not only James, but anyone watching too are truly heartwarming and will bring you to the point of cathartic tears more than once throughout the film.

Final Thoughts

Not going to be one I’ll rush to watch again, but even with the final act tears I was left feeling very uplifted.

Violent Night (2022) Christmas Film Review

Rating 15
Length 1h52
Release 02.12.2022
Director Tommy Wirkola
About An elite team of mercenaries breaks into a family compound on Christmas Eve, taking everyone hostage inside. However, they aren’t prepared for a surprise combatant: Santa Claus is on the grounds, and he’s about to show why this Nick is no saint.
Moon: Full Moon seen in the opening scene
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for rental or purchase), Now TV
Trailer:

Naughty

There’s no redemption for most of the Lightstone family. They’re not innocent, so the robbery should act as a Santa does for the Christmas clan of robbers. No one in the family makes any changes by the end of the film and that really is a shame.

While the kid is mostly cute, there’s just the odd few times in which her pitch and tone skirts her towards the annoying.

Not so much about this film, but I am concerned about the talk of another movie. More Harbour in that leather, oh yes please! However, this is a film that relies heavily on the premise that we’ve switched John McClane out for Santa; not just one, but the snowy second outing too. Not only that, but the film is a homage for Home Alone too. I’m worried there isn’t enough left to mine from.

Vomit! Yes I laughed. However,

Nice

The music is awesome. I didn’t even know Bryan Adams had released a Christmas song, let alone it being as good as it is. Then it’s how the music is used, the positivity clashes with the violence and it’s incredible.

David Harbour makes for one amazing, leather clad, viking Santa. He’s got the humour, the deep set anger and the moves of an action hero. There’s a scene at the midpoint that could hint at a potential prequel.

The Home Alone scene. You’ll know once you’ve seen it.

Final Thoughts

It’s Die Hard, with more Christmas, meets Home Alone with my favourite man, David Harbour playing a silvered fox Santa. I’ve watched it five times this December, so I guess that tells you all you need to know.

Serendipity (2001) Christmas (sort of) Film Review

Rating 12
Length 1h31
Release 01.02.2023 (In the US)
Director David Hunt
About Jon and Sara decide to separate after a night of romance when they were shopping for their respective spouses. But destiny has other plans as it brings them together before their respective marriages.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Now TV
Trailer:

Naughty

How is this considered a romantic classic? Within the first 5 minutes the film establishes that they both have partners. Not casual partners either. Very “committed” to their people given that Beckinsale’s Sara says yes to a proposal and most of the film post meet-cute takes place during the wedding weekend of Cusack’s Jon.
I don’t know about anyone else, but it’s hard to root for these people when they are at best uncommitted to the person they’re with and at worst, actively and emotionally cheating on their soon-to-be spouse.

The partners, while on the topic, seem more like a plot obstacle than actual characters. I guess that’s so we don’t feel too bad for them that our two leads are thinking about other people. It also doesn’t leave me feeling great for Sara and Jon’s future post-credits.

The transitioning “joke” doesn’t land how it perhaps did back in 02 (However do note that Beckinsale’s Sara does correct Cusack’s use of pronoun) and the navigation of perceived homosexuality feels clunky.

Nice

Beckinsale and Cusack have chemistry and the support cast is really good.

It’s a short film, and the premise of leaving everything to fate works. Just not with both of them being in relationships and being total dicks about it.

Final Thoughts

What a horrible, horrible, fucking film. Why it’s listed among Christmas movies is beyond me.

Christmas Advent 2023: It’s a Wonderful Knife (2023)

Rating 18
Length 1h27
Release 1.12.2023
Director Tyler MacIntyre
About What would happen if George Bailey stopped a serial killer before asking to have never been born? Winnie, a year after ending a psychotic murder spree is consumed with PTSD. It doesn’t help that the whole town she saved has moved on.
So in a Christmas classic wish, she is shown a town in which she was never part of and that’s where the nightmare begins…
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Online in the US
Trailer:

Naughty

There’s what appears to be a final act rewrite that just doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of the film that we’re meant to buy due to some magical inclusion.
While the slasher outfit is incredible once you know what it is; it’s impractically for a spree and really just takes me slightly out of it.
The happy ending for happy ending sake! Bullshit! Let it be the start of something new and not some magic loophole.

Nice

Some great casting going on from the get go; from tween show stars taking their leap to movie horror, to character actors Joel McHale and Justin Long.
It’s an ideal blend of Christmas kitsch, meta comedy and all out horror.
Short run time is always a win for me. Especially with these types of films that play fast and loose with the meta sheen.
Stay put for the credits because Joy 2 the Girls by Hael is a bop.

Final Thoughts

Could this have been sacrilege? Oh yes, this could have easily been the worst film ever made for taking the greatest film and making it into a horror comedy! However, it works.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Rating U

Length 1hr 25

Release 18.12.1992

Director Brian Henson

Naughty

It’s Michael Caine’s performance alone that saves this film from being an outright camp pantomime. As much as I love some aspects of Gonzo and Risso, some of it strays a little too far for me.
There’s some odd dialogue choices along the way. There’s the headmaster who declares ‘it’s the American way’ before being corrected. Much in the same way as the film’s narrators, it takes you out of the film.
Not too sure how I feel about Michael Caine’s singing prowess. It’s very much the voice equivalent of dad dancing. I know the film seemed aware of it by keeping his musical additions to a minimum, but it’s really weird and jarring to not have your protagonist have at least his own song in what is essentially a musical.
There seemed to be a significant shift in quality when it came to the creation of the secondary and background puppetry.

Nice

Gonzo makes for a brilliant narrator and it’s something I’ve not seen in many other versions. It brings, when it works, some of the original text to the screen and some humour.
On the most part, all of the Muppets are well cast in their Dickensian roles. I completely adore Kermit as Cratchett and Statler and Waldorf as the Marley brothers.
Both the Swedish Chef and Animal make cameos that don’t quite fit, but are both so awesome you won’t care.
Michael Caine, musical elements aside, is a wonderful Scrooge. He is almost in a completely different movie to his puppet counterparts, but that strangely works in this case. As a Scrooge, he’s able to show the development of character and a will to change.

Final Thoughts

It’s a fair adaptation and while Caine lacks the flair for singing, he’s now too iconic in the role to even dare to mentally recast.

Christmas Film Advent 2018- My rundown order

This is not, by any means, the order for the best made films from the advent calendar. How I came to the order ranged on many questions. Some films, needed fewer questions than others.

Did I enjoy the film?
Was it uplifting or have a good message?
How much would I change?
What memories are attached to this film?
Would I be happy watching it again this Christmas?

The big question remains: in 2019, do I continue this list and reordered based on 24 new entries, or have a separate rundown?

Have a wonderful day

Han x

Christmas Film Advent- It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Zuzu’s petals… You’ve been given a great gift, George: A chance to see what the world would be like without you.

Length: 2 Hr 15

Rating: U

About: George Bailey has so many problems he is thinking about ending it all – and it’s Christmas! As the angels discuss George, we see his life in flashback. As George is about to jump from a bridge, he ends up rescuing his guardian angel, Clarence – who then shows George what his town would have looked like if it hadn’t been for all his good deeds over the years.

First Thoughts

It’s not a film I’ve watched loads, but it is one I’ve adored with all my heart. I can’t remember the first time I watched it but it’s a significant one for some of my best Christmases. From having a class in school grumble that I’ve put it on to only go and fall in love with its charm, to a bittersweet watch in the cinema in Liverpool with my brother not long after our mum died.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but my instincts tell me it’s still ageing very well.

Naughty List

Mr Potter is a bit of a nasty bastard and while he makes for a perfect foil to the Bailey family: I hate him. I want to punch him; so hard, in his vile fucking face. I hate what his actions do to the family; George, obviously. But mainly Uncle Billy. Darling, sweet and forgetful Uncle Billy. What I hate more than anything though?! People like Mr Potter exist in real life and will never lose sleep at the destruction they cause.

Nice List

Good ol’ Jimmy Stuwart. I couldn’t imagine anyone better in the role of George Bailey and if Hollywood dares to remake this; I’m done. He’s the charming and wholesome leading man who is also able to handle the darker sides of characters; Bailey being no exception to this. There’s buckets of emotions for George Bailey; from being able to relate to unrealised dreams to his frustration, hopelessness and desperation. That opening image of James Stewart is perfect; George showing the shop teller how big he wants his suitcase and it pauses for Clarence to have a good look at the man he’s to save.
Clarence. Beautiful, childlike and rabbit-IQ’d Clarence is a heartwarming addition to the narration plot and is a delight to see interact with George in the final act. If there’s anything that will reduce me to tears every time, it will be the fact that good Clarence gets his wings as a result of his time on Earth with George. On the note of the celestial narrators, I love the opening sequence with the angels appearing as stars. It’s simplicity makes it so incredibly beautiful and something that no amount of technological advances could ever improve upon.
The story is an epic that is well paced and jammed packed with George’s life; the highs and the lows. For a film to start and focus on such a dark note, speak so candidly about suicide and still leave the viewer uplifted and full of hope that a community can come together at a time of need is such a commendable feat and it should be on everyone’s viewing list at some point.
My favourite scene will always be George rescuing the Savings and Loans company on his wedding day and sacrificing his honeymoon to do so. Upon asking Ms Davies (The Walton’s Ellen Corby) how much she’d need until the bank reopens her reply is a humbled ‘seventeen fifty’. It’s a joyous and heartwarming interaction between herself and George and a stark contrast to the man who wants to clear out his account.

Final Thoughts

I love this film. A testament to it is the fact that it’s not something I want, or need, to watch every year and is actually something I will always try and bring new people to each time I watch. It’s bravery at approaching a topic like mental health and suicide was, and still is, ahead of its time. The religious aspect of the sanctity of life is subtle enough and sends the message of support, guidance and help rather than judgement, condemnation and isolation. In a world where those who suffer from issues beyond their physical control, it’s good to see a supportive view that George’s predicament is not a sign of weakness.

Han x

Christmas Film Advent- The Polar Express (2004)

This bell is a wonderful symbol of the spirit of Christmas – as am I. Just remember, the true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart.

Length: 1 Hr 40

Rating: U

About: Tom Hanks and director Robert Zemeckis (“Forrest Gump”; “Cast Away”) reunite for “Polar Express,” an inspiring adventure based on the beloved children’s book by Chris Van Allsburg. When a doubting young boy takes an extraordinary train ride to the North Pole, he embarks on a journey of self-discovery that shows him that the wonder of life never fades for those who believe.

Nice List

It’s a wholesome story that has many layers; the journey is physical, philosophical and spiritual. What child at heart wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Eve onboard a steam train going to see Santa?
The protagonist’s journey from sceptic to believer is quite beautiful. He’s a logical child and the beginning shows him using his intellect to collect information so it’s understandable that he questions Santa’s existence. Following his journey and watching him experiencing the magic of Christmas is heartwarming.
The film has diversity without feeling forced; yes, the young boy is who we start and end with but it can be argued that the young girl makes up part of the ensemble. While it had the feeling of being set in the 50s, choosing not to root it in an era allows the film to focus on the spirit of Christmas without bogging itself down in social politics. Which makes a nice change.
The music is something that keeps the film progressing and much more of a traditional score that fits Zemeckis’ catalogue of films.

Naughty List

The animation style is just not for me. It comes across more as computer game play, especially in those scenes that look like the characters are on theme park rides; something which is done one too many times for my liking.
The stereotype of the Know-it-all Kid is like fingers on a chalkboard. So overkill annoying that I spent the film wanting to beat the shit out of him.
I’m not sold on the casting of Tom Hanks. He’s the modern answer to Jimmy Stewart and I’m not sold on him as the impatient and cranky train attendant. He’s perfect when insightful and kind, but anything else is just lost on me. This is one where I think Jim Carrey would be perfect for the role.
It feels way too long. Once the film had finished I was certain it had been on for a little over two hours. This could be due to certain scenes being style over substance.
“The thing about trains… it doesn’t matter where they’re going. What matters is deciding to get on.” There’s just so much wrong with this statement! So, so, wrong. I’ve gotten on a train before and not paid attention to where it was going. It buggered up my day royally.

Final Thoughts

This film is not for me. I can’t get past the animation that pulls me out of the story. I’m sure there is an audience for it, and my nephew’s love of trains will see it part of my regular viewing for years to come.

Christmas Film Advent- Rare Exports A Christmas Story (2010)

Watch your mouth! It’s Christmastime, so let’s act like it

Length: 1 hr 25

Rating: 15

About: A young boy named Pietari (Onni Tommila) and his friend Juuso (Ilmari Järvenpää) think a secret mountain drilling project near their home in northern Finland has uncovered the tomb of Santa Claus. However, this a monstrous, evil Santa, much unlike the cheery St. Nick of legend. When Pietari’s father (Jorma Tommila) captures a feral old man (Peeter Jakobi) in his wolf trap, the man may hold the key to why reindeer are being slaughtered and children are disappearing.

First Thoughts

Rare Exports first came on my radar when it appeared on YouTube as a self contained short. It was something rather different. The training of feral Santa’s was unsettling in a weirdly good way. It perhaps was one of my first explorations into Christmas horror and the film itself became a Christmas Eve watch for me and my brother once our dad had gone to bed. Which year is was, I’ll leave to my brother to inform me.

I don’t remember the inclusion of what I would come to call Krampus (Joulupukki in Rare Exports) in the short and I’m definitely certain this was my introduction to the anti Santa.

The Naughty List

It’s length is a doubled edged sword. While a short film, it’s pacing is rather slow compared to the film short that preceded it. You feel every minute of celluloid. Some minutes even feel doubled. Watching it this time, I was able to appreciate how this creates atmosphere and comments upon a different lifestyle than the one I’m used to living, but when I watched it the first time; it felt like Rosemary’s Baby all over again.

It won’t feel very Christmassy to some when you consider that the profession of the main family is to kill Rudolph for its meat. The film could risk dampening your Christmas spirit, depending on your outlook. Me? I’d eat Rudolph for Christmas dinner if he tasted good.

The Nice List

It’s a short film at 82 minutes and if I was well versed in the original language it would feel even shorter than it already does.
Subtitles aren’t for everyone. Even I sometimes veto a film on original language alone, the only thing I hate more being a poor dub. Original language films get my attention better when I’m in a cinema and free of all distractions. That said, I would never want to see this film given a Hollywood treatment; it’s more about the culture and mythology than anything else.
The kid (Onni Tommila) holds his own in the film and it’s quite refreshing to have a young lead in this type of film.
I know this is stupid thing to pick up on, but I loved seeing Pietari using nails in a candle as an alarm clock. It’s such a vivid image that immediately came to mind before I started my rewatch.

Final Thoughts

It’s not one for the whole family and certainly one that would make very few people’s regular festive viewing. That said, with the lifestyle Swedish and Finnish becoming popular within the UK, this should be on everyone’s list to ensure they’re of an understanding that life isn’t all about hygge hipster bullshit that’s now bordering on a stereotype.

Christmas Film Advent- Surviving Christmas (2004)

“Some things cannot be unseen.”

Length: 1 hr 31
Age: 12
About: A wealthy executive, Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) has no close relationships and becomes nostalgic for his childhood home as Christmas approaches. When he visits the house and finds another family living there, he offers the residents, Tom Valco (James Gandolfini) and his wife, Christine (Catherine O’Hara), a large sum of money to pretend they are his parents. Soon Drew tests the couple’s patience, and, when their daughter, Alicia (Christina Applegate), arrives, things get increasingly tense.

The Naughty List

Little heavy on the incest and porn jokes. Which is funny, for the first one or five. For such an uplifting film, it just seems unnecessary to lay it on so thick. Either it needs to be toned down, or diversely amped up in order to earn a 15 rating.
Thank god Jennifer Morrison realised these dipstick princess were not how she wanted to spend her acting career and landed two plump roles on prime time TV. She’s just not believable as the pampered Legally Blonde wannabe and is nothing more than fingernails on a blackboard the entire time she’s on screen.

The Nice List

James Gandolfini is a grumpy delight in this comedy. He’s the perfect chalk to Ben Affleck’s cheese. He’s downright perfect and, in all honesty, I’d happily have had more of him in the film.
Catherine O’Hara is the Queen of Christmas. I couldn’t think of anyone better in the role of the mother. She is able to roll with the unusual scenario and sass everyone while doing so.
The plot has a heart underneath its strangeness. At the root of the plot is family and while playing pretend, something real came home. Working with what could perhaps be considered a clique, Surviving Christmas manages to make something new and charming. Even with Ben Affleck circa twat in the lead.
Its really funny and the chuckles don’t come from the ruder portions of the film.

Checking it Twice

I’m still not sold on Ben Affleck in the lead. He works well with the cast and there’s a nice chemistry with Christina Applegate, however I want to punch him in the face most of the time he’s on the screen. I think I would have enjoyed it better had someone like Adam Sandler or Jason Bateman. That said, Affleck handles the heartfelt reveal really well and does show potential that’ll recognised fully in 2012 with an Oscar nod for his role in Argo.

Final Thoughts

It’s a fun film that is a little flawed, but will always be charming enough to stay on the festive watch list.

Han x

Christmas Film Advent- Santa Claws (2014)

“I’m old enough to decide if I celebrate Christmas or not.”

Length: 1 Hr 26
About:
Santa is allergic to cats, but Tommy has been so good this year he decides to bring him a kitten for Christmas. When Santa has an allergic attack, the kitties have to take over the sleigh to deliver all the presents.

It’s 3am, I can’t sleep and I’m not quite ready to put on a ‘proper’ film. Now my cat is sat glued to the TV watching this kitten focused festive offering. For that alone, it’s worth the watch.

It’s hard to not watch this with a different mindset; its clear from the outset that it is not of the same quality as other films I’ve watched. However, this is not the sort of film that is wanting reviews comparing it to the countless Scrooge incarnations.

What it comes down to, is not how dire the plot might be or how many times I cringed. It doesn’t even matter if special effects are ropy or the acting is top notch. What matters is if the target audience will love it. Parent’s, I give you warning; don’t show this film to your little ones without being prepared for it being the only thing you watch.

For a kid, its fun, cute and the plot doesn’t matter. The three kittens running about and causing mischief will entertain and engage. For the fury felines, just pop it on as your leaving the house. When you return, you’ll discover that your kitten hasn’t moved anything other than its head. Cassius’ head followed the kittens from start to finish.