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Suits Series Episode7 (Home to Roost) #review

From IMDB:

Rachel confronts Mike about his secret after she takes a risk to protect him. Harvey’s involvement with Paula causes problems.

Certainly, one of the stronger episodes of series 7 so far. A lot of the threads are at least coming into fruition, even if there is still a lack of fun or even team work within the firm I normally root for so much.

Louis
This episode focuses on past employee Stephanie and her intent to sue Louis for sexual harassment. Such a heart-wrenching episode for Louis and the plot really gives him time to grow.
It’s not often you get to see Litt so vulnerable that once he’s gotten through his usual tantrum (which isn’t as bad as it could have been), it’s easy to see why Stephanie relents.
His desperate for it not being filled as sex harassment is linked to him getting into this mess in the first place; his fears of not becoming a father.
I really am hoping that when Louis says to Donna “I can finally move forward with my life.” He really means it. He’s a lovely bloke (people think I’m crazy, but I do think he is just a little misunderstood and in need of some love) and is deserving of a happy life.
My favourite moment from the episode comes in the form of the gift he gives the intern who has just had a baby. That baby grow is just so damn cute and it reminds me that Litt is not just a lawyer; he’s a god damned brand.

Harvey
I started this episode thinking that I really like the developing relationship between Harvey and Paula. He’s happy, and it works. Okay, I know Donna is end game and I sort of feel guilty for wanting this relationship to work, but I know it’s not going to last so please forgive me for indulging in the good vibes.

However, it was as if the writers knew I was getting to comfortable and they threw in the conflict of Harvey telling Donna. We all know why it’s so hard for him. Even Paula knows.
That said, I couldn’t help but melt a little when he agrees to the term ‘boyfriend’. Never has a relationship seemed so easy with him. Even Scotty was kept at arm’s length, and she was the only other woman I thought could win his heart other than Donna.

Mike
The award for the most privileged, sulking, arsehole goes to Mike Ross. I’m struggling to feel sympathy for the client because Mike is going about it all the wrong way.

Even after Harvey finds out, Mike is an indignant little shit who has his priorities out of kilter. Rachel, Donna and Harvey all feel the weight of his decisions.

Alex is very quickly running out of time with me. His scene at the courthouse was unprofessional, out of character and downright nasty. The case is thrown out, Mike’s acting like a diva and Rachel is clearly starting to worry about the man she’s about to marry.

To top this off, Mike was still trying to cut a deal with Gallo; something everyone has warned him again. The word ‘revenge’ was used in relation to Gallo one too many times today.

Just as I thought, Harvey is angry. And, just like I predicted, he’s getting on board with the suit in question. Something’s not right and, while Mike did a bad thing, Harvey can’t help but be won over by the integrity of the case. Will Mike ever be given true consequences for his actions?

Questions and predictions

Gallo’s target for revenge is going to be Rachel
Paula and Donna will meet. I still don’t know how they will get along.
Paula will be the one to end it with Harvey or Donna is going to be to blame
Alex will not remain with the firm.
Louis is either going to have a new romance, or he is going to look into adoption.

Editing Emma by Chloe Seager #bookreview

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From Amazon: When Emma Nash is ghosted by love of her life Leon Naylor, she does what any girl would do – spends the summer avoiding all human contact, surrounded by the Chewit wrappers he left behind.
Seeing Leon suddenly ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook, however, spurs Emma into action. She vows to use the internet for good (instead of stalking Leon’s social media),chronicling her adventures on her new Editing Emma blog.
But life online doesn’t always run smoothly.
From finding her mum’s Tinder profile, to getting catfished and accidentally telling the entire world why Leon Naylor is worth no girl’s virginity… Surely nothing else could go wrong?!

Commentary
Gah! Just, Gah! As someone who has been using a mental health app called Lyf to anonymously vent about my own break-up sudo-ghosting situation, I loved every character of this book. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone in what I was going through. Not telling my friends about the relationship, or the subsequent break up meant I didn’t have an outlet; I totally understand Emma’s approach and not since Gabrielle Zevlin’s Elsewhere have I had a book arrive in my life with such perfect timing to help sooth my broken heart and soul. I felt this book. From cover to cover; I laughed, I empathised and I cried.

Characters
Emma
She’s a likable character. It was like looking at a mirror. Yes, there was an element of self-centredness, but it’s Emma’s blog; that’s allowed. She is also quite insightful about her own behaviour and rather candid about her ‘selfishness’ which makes the flaws rather humbling.
If you want a strong female role model for teens; I present to you Emma Nash. Yes, she has questionable taste in men, but she is a good friend (when not boy-focused) and so very open about her sexual needs; even if at times it’s simply that she’s not sure what she wants. Her exploration of masturbation is refreshing and liberating. While, I won’t lie, I was squirming when it was first approached, however that’s because it’s not considered the ‘norm’ to discuss such things. I have my hang-ups about sex, masturbation and the discussion of such topic. Perhaps had such a book been around, I might not have the same mindset.

Others
There isn’t a stand out character for me. That’s not to say they lack individuality or they haven’t been developed. It’s simply that they are all so crucial to the flow of the book; not as devices, but as realistic pieces on a chess board.
Leon, Greg and Steph are up close and personal within the blog posts. Their personalities don’t pop and shine as they would had the novel been written in another way, but that is the point; we’re seeing them how Emma sees them. Instead, we get Emma’s feelings towards them. I love that. It feels much more intimate.

Plot
The plot is a catalogue of raw thoughts, feeling and actions from the protagonist. There is very little in the way of looking back on the relationship with Leon that Emma was craving to get back. It is always looking forward, through Emma’s attempts to date to her trying to gain some form of closer with Leon.
The plot makes clear use of time; from weekend parties to midweek lessons with friends and stalker victims nicknamed Apple.
It’s Emma’s commentary upon her mother’s dating life that I love the most. While there is more of a story there; obviously she is not going to divulge all the details to her daughter, I really like only having the pieces. The mother narrative draws on parallels in my own life and makes it feel very real.

Writing
I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried I wasn’t going to like the style of Editing Emma. I have never been fond of books imitating letters, emails and texts that sometimes break up the narrative.
I’m so glad I put that aside to allow myself to fall in love with Editing Emma. Yes, it’s a blog, but Chloe Seager has done an incredible job at balancing the structure and style to provided what comes across as a realistic blog without compromising the narrative flow.

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I have already purchased an additional copy and it’s currently finding its way to a dear friend of mine and I intend to have many copies ready for my students when September comes around.

Thank you Chloe for pushing boundaries to bring women closer together.

Mental Health- Weight and Depression

Firstly, I want to say thank you to those of you who took the time to read the previous mental health post; I am moved by those of you who reached out and spoke to me about it. The main aim of this is, first and foremost, about helping others and I certainly seem to be doing that.

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Mental Health- Weight and Depression

I’m what society would deem fat. The doctors tell me I’m morbidly obese. I have been for as long as I can remember. Few of you may remember the skeleton girl of nursery and primary school. I’ll let you into a secret; that girl didn’t eat. Literally. Mum would buy me sweets and I would play with them.

What changed? Our doctors. After years of being a very sickly child we were told on our first visit I had something wrong with my ears and I needed an operation. Everything changed. I wasn’t so sick any more. I ate more, and more, and more. I blew up like a balloon. There are very few pictures of me at that time.

By high school I’d resided myself to being fat. I didn’t enjoy it. I could see my mother’s disappointment. I earned the name ‘double boobs’ by the boys. Those of you who’ve seen Total Recall are now thinking “they meant it as a compliment, right?” No, no they did not. You see, they were commenting on the roll of fat that was so massive, it came out to the same extent of my ample size breasts.

Continue reading “Mental Health- Weight and Depression”

Game of Thrones Series 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch #review

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I’m all caught up. I’ve had a very strange relationship with this show; from watching that very first episode the night after it aired and realising it wasn’t for me, to feeling left out as everyone else could get past the gratuitous sex, insect and gore to find something compelling beneath. Then I was convinced to give it a go by a friend and I binged. I got through the first five seasons in record time.

It’s taken me a little longer to get up to date, since I needed to take a break from it after I felt I was getting desensitised to the gore and horror of the show. Here I am though, up to date and ready to put commentary to the most recent episode.

There is so much crammed into this episode; this series is a Chess game with all its piece being placed in the right positions ready for the final showdown next week.

The final image seen in the last episode was Jamie sinking to the bottom of the lake, having faced off with a dragon. I haven’t seen such a bail out of a character’s fate since the baby in Walking Dead. It really was so frustrating to see him so easily recued. I wanted a little bit of peril damn it.

I’m happy Jamie is safe, don’t get me wrong but it just felt a little anti-climactic after spending a week considering the added anchor of his golden hand and its impact upon his survival.

I loved the “stupid boy” line and it made me chuckle for the very simple reason that it reminded me of Pike in Dad’s Army. So subtle and most likely unintentional, but it still tickled me no end.

Jon Snow’s respect for the dragons was a brilliant scene and it’s clear that before the show ends next year, there will be a strong relationship between himself and Daenerys. Both fan favourite, it would be foolish not to pull on that romantic thread.
“You go Jon Snow.” His moving semi-speech has finally got me seeing what the fuss is about with him. I’ve always put him alongside Hamlet in terms of brat-like characters I have no time for. Now I this new found respect for him, I’m quite curious about going back to the beginning.

While I don’t like the White Walkers, I do like the story arc they’ve provided and how they are bringing the houses together for a common goal. Sam is trying to get people to believe in their existence, but Slughorn won’t have any of it. Sam is fast becoming my favourite character now he’s getting out of Jon Snow’s shadow; he has such a good heart and intentions.

Unfortunately, while I’ve been waiting an age for the reconnection of the Stark children, I’m starting to regret it. Sansa has reverted to the brat I detested and the jealousy between the two sisters threatens to tear them apart as quickly as they were reunited.

The showdown between Jamie and Tyrion was heart-breaking. Having to open the wounds of their father’s death reveals deep seated emotional scars for both men. I have always loved Tyrion, but this honest and emotion declaration when confronted about killing his own father ensures Sam will never replace him.

It is when Tyrion declares there’s something more important than ‘bending the knee,’ you know what is going to take place over the next two episodes. Upon returning to the ship, Gandry is on board and ready to fight. I’m so happy he’s finally made an appearance as people predicted he would by the end of this series.

The final image cements the idea that this show is now about the next generation. The mantel has been past from the legacy actors from stage and screen and let’s just hope history doesn’t repeat itself.

Prediction for the Iron Throne: It’s more of a want than anything, but I would love to see Tyrion on the throne by the end of the show.

Rick and Morty Series 3 Episode 4- Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender #review

AKA- Rick does Saw

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This standalone episode perhaps suffers from following Pickle Rick, but it’s the weakest of the series so far. The only saving grace is perhaps that, by the end of the episode, I don’t hate Morty quite so much as I normally do.

I must be honest, this is the first episode I’ve zoned out and found myself playing on my phone. Normally I’m glued to the screen watching Rock and Morty’s adventures unfold; in the past, it would have involved softly tapping my then boyfriend’s leg or arm when I found something exceptionally clever or funny. But not with this episode; It was somewhere between “You did Vindicator 2 without us?!” and “I’m a drunk, not a hack.” That I gained some more points on one of my games.

It is perhaps due to the number of new characters that presented themselves and the lack of the rest of the family; I didn’t care about these people. Which is probably why my attention was regained once the Saw element was introduced.

The episode is a true Ode to Morty. We’re given an insight as to what he must do when Rick gets ‘blind drunk’. When question Morty on how many bombs he’s had to disarm: “Too many Rick, too many.” I really started to feel for him.

Just when you think Rick is going to show some appreciation for Morty, we get a labour of love for Noop-Noop; a minor character of the Vindicators who must be a relation of Poopy Butthole!

Overall, a weak episode without any development for the series. Aside from a cameo from Christian Slater and some zingers from Rick, there’s very little that will bring me back to this episode for repeated viewing.

The Fallen Children by David Owen #bookreview

Release Date: 4.5.2017

From Amazon: Inspired by The Midwich Cuckoos, The Fallen Children is a gripping ‘science fiction-meets-real world’ story of the teenagers who, during one inexplicable ‘Nightout’, have their futures snatched away by circumstances beyond their control. It is a story of violation, of judgement, and of young people who must fight to defy what is expected of them.

I am in love with this book. Not only do I want someone to wipe my memory of it so I have the joy of reading again, it’s currently in a pile of books waiting to be collected by a friend. I need everyone to read it. If this isn’t turned into a film by the end of 2018, it will be a travesty.

Characters
Owen presents a diverse group of teens who are so interconnected that it’s difficult to talk about one without mentioning the others.

Initially I am drawn to Morris. I’m not sure if that’s because he’s the first voice I hear or whether he is the one who has no reason to stay, but volunteers to be involved from the very start. He’s a likable character making the best of the environment he has grown up in. I admire most of the decisions he makes and even when he falters; he has the right intentions.

While it is an ensemble narrative, I can’t help but feel that Keisha is the protagonist. The other characters have her as the connecting feature, she drives at least the second part of the narrative and she’s surprisingly the one I identify and empathise with.

At first, I felt Olivia was a little underdeveloped, but then I realised that was more because she was not as connected as the other girls; reinforced by use never having narrative from her perspective. It’s quite a beautiful device, subtle and effective.

Effort has gone into making the women of this novel real. From emotions, cramps and fears; it’s all there. I know I shouldn’t be giving more credit to the author, it’s their job to make it believable. However, when Your author is a man, I think some time needs to be spent on that. Owen has crafted 3 distinct female voices and they are so authentic, if you told me they were written by a woman, I wouldn’t question it.

Plot
There’s two sections to this book and a time jump that splits the two. The true horror of the book comes in the second half.

The sci-fi aspect is so grounded in realism that, like the girls, you begin to question your perception of the story. It takes a perfect pace and is able to switch characters to propel the narrative along. The abilities gained by the girls also means that things can be conveyed in other ways.

The second half, however, sees the consequences of ‘Nightout’ comes to fruition. No one is left unaffected; even the reader. You are left questioning whether society would respond in this way. The horror comes from knowing they would.

I want more, but I don’t need it. The plot is resolved so as a reader you are satisfied, but there are questions that an imaginative mind will ask. The book holds a wealth of ideas for those inclined to write fan fiction and leaves enough questions on the tip of the brain to be invited to do so.

Writing

The writing is clean, clear and and just a hint of colloquial language. Some might say there could have been more of a distinction between voices, but I would rather have the character’s personalities and identities developed rather than a literary voice. For example, Maida is shown to be conscientious of her Islamic faith, right down to the Arabic used during prayer. It’s an intimate detail that Owen has taken care to include.

There are lessons to be learnt within The Fallen Children, but the writing places the book firmly into a place where you don’t think anything is rammed down your throat. Except for fear. There’s a whole chuck of atmosphere in this novel. Any more and I’d be placing the book in the freezer.

I can’t wait for what David Owen has in store for us next.

The Bone Season: Samantha Shannon #review

Release date: 24.4.2014

From Amazon:

EVEN A DREAMER CAN START A REVOLUTION

Nineteen-year-old Paige Mahoney works in the criminal underworld of Scion London. Her job: to scout for information by breaking into people’s minds. For Paige is a dreamwalker, a clairvoyant and, in the world of Scion, she commits treason simply by breathing.

Summary

I love this book. I don’t know how I’m so late in reading it. I believe my best friend had told me about it many, many times. However, it went in one ear, out the other. I’m frustrated that it took me three days to read, however circumstances what they are, I kept getting ripped out of this world and into my own.

Characters

Paige
What I love about the development of Paige is the fact that nothing is made of her gender. There are comments of strength and weakness, but they are never in relation to her being female.
She is flawed, as the best heroes always are. Paige is our eyes into the world in which Clairvoyance has been declared illegal. She’s strong willed, moral (to a point) and selfless.

I love her and I can’t wait to delve into the sequels. At no point did I wish I could see the efforts of Jax, Nick et al once Paige had been taken. I felt like I was supporting her, just by being there. She had me hooked from the start and I will never leave Paige’s side so long as Shannon keeps writing.

Warden
Warden started life in my mind as a younger love child of Alan Rickman and David Warner. If I’m honest, he still remained that way, he just got younger as the book progressed. With an air of mystery, I wasn’t quite sure of him even as I closed the book.
However, his motives did seem clear as I came to the final act. Without spoiling them all I can say is Shannon excels in drip feeding believable hints that make the ending believable.
He’s someone I craved to see more and more throughout the book. I wanted him to be someone a little more than he seemed; Shannon does not disappoint.

Story

The story is artfully woven, throwing the reading readily into the world of seclusion, mythology and resentment. While there are action sequences, Shannon takes her time in building up relationships between characters.
Using whole chapters to delve into Paige’s past could, in other writer’s hands, seem clunky. However, Shannon develops these scenes and doesn’t allow the narrative to lose its flow while reading. Once you have finished the book, you will see how clever and creative these additions are to the story. Not only in terms of character, but to the plot and world building as well.
The story hints at a literary universe that will be with us for many years. Paige is for those of us who have needed something a little bit more substantial than the dystopian trilogies on offer. This story has given us enough questions to run for a series of books and perhaps be compared to that of Harry Potter and Cassandra Clare in terms of scope.
The most important aspect of this story is that it gives you a satisfying ending while leaving you with questions.

Writing

Part way through I text a friend and recommended this book to her. She loves The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothuss. I will have to relent and say this writing is better for me. The styles are similar, but Shannon is much more concise and flowing. As much as I love Rothuss myself, I have to read his work in chunks. The Bone Season would have been read in one sitting had I not been attacked by unrelenting conversations of my father.
For a story set in the future, I’m so happy that the writing still brought in an element of an old world. It drew itself back into nature. At least it did for me.
I would put this alongside Lani Taylor’s Daughter of… series too. The writing, like Lani’s, is griping, gritty and pure. It takes you to another world; something many writers would love to achieve and here is Shannon, doing so with an organic ease.

I’m very much looking forward to getting back to London so I can purchase the next two books available. I’m even ignoring my distress at having to buy the third in hardback.

Suits S7 Ep5 (Brooklyn Housing) #review

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From IMDB: Mike juggles his work obligations with his promise to help a hurting family. Harvey asks for Louis’s discretion in handling a sensitive matter. Donna vets a possible addition to the firm.

MIKE

Why can’t Mike go straight? The undercover lawyer, hiding crucial information from the people who matter. It old hat and getting so very boring. This case is too big for cloak and dagger.
Gallo!!! Man, I love Gallo. They are good at drawing in previous threads to support cases and
Paul Schulze is too good an actor to not bring back.
There’s no passion with Mike and the pro bono case. There should be. He’s risking so much, but I don’t see the motivation. Certainly not enough to work with Gallo.
Rachel represents everyone watching with her final words in the episode; Mike’s word is becoming worthless and Harvey would be right to fire him should this betrayal come to like. Which it will.

Louis

Harvey trusting Louis with Paula’s law suit. If it’s successful, it’ll go a long way to cementing Harvey and Louis’ friendship and put them on good terms.
Louis’ sit down with Paula is beautiful, it’s where Louis shines. God, he might be a diva and make rash choices with his personal life, but he is damn good at his job. Louis’ ethics and morals when it comes to his job are impeccable.
Parallels are drawn from Louis’ own life. I really do want to see him starting to mend fully with this or explore a little further what I think the true issue is; him fathering a child.
There would have been a time when Louis would have gone straight to Harvey with the information Paula gave him; it’s amazing how much he’s grown over the 7 series.

Donna

Why does Harvey want to keep his relationship from Donna? He’s so snappy with her, it’s horrible and I don’t know what they’re trying to achieve with this thread. They worked so well with the tension they already had. This is just a little too much for me.
They keep butting heads and its unnecessary. However, I’m glad she clashed with him over Holly because having that scene between the two was brilliant. If Rachel does leave, Holly will make an excellent Donna wing-woman.
Oh Donna!!! “We’re a tight knit group. We don’t betray each other and we don’t keep secrets from each other.” How little you know and you know all.

Bullshit count: 4

Predictions and Questions

Gallo gets out and comes for Mike and somehow Rachel is going to be the victim.
Donna and Harvey is end game.
I don’t know who or how, but Louis will have his happily-ever-after.
Harvey has an issue with infidelity; will what Mike is doing be infidelity?
Donna will make it her mission to hire Holly next episode.
Will Donna walk when she finds out about Paula?
Why wasn’t the room swap brought up between Mike and Gallo

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Summary
Very little progression in the episode, but the writers have invested some time in the character development of Louis and, for that, I’m grateful.
Mike, as always, is annoying me with his self righteous entitlement. The case is setting down some heavy foundations for either the mid/whole series final. Only way I can see this resolving though, is his actions are going to lead to Rachel’s death.

Mental Health- The Rabbit Hole and the App that saved me #mentalhealthmatterso

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I suffer from depression. I’m medicated for it and I’m happy to say that. Now! I never used to be. When I first started dating my ex, I had been on my medication for about 6 months. I’d been following my 3 positives a day for about 2 of those months and I felt fabulous.
The weekend I met him, I was meant to have 4 dates. It was the first time in my life I’d had dates with multiple people without about 6 months between them. However, in hindsight, I misread the signs (I didn’t, but owing to him being a massive sociopath, he convinced me I did) and thought we were heading for a relationship. (And we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend for about 12 hours until he told me he couldn’t bring himself to stop sleeping with the other women in his life; ones up until this point I had no knowledge of)

I digress. One of the things I stupidly did was I discontinued my medication. He was staying over most nights (hence it being a total shock when he informed me of two other lovers) and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I was on anti-depressants. My anxiety kicked in and told me if he knew, he’d run a mile. It was okay at the start; we were in the honeymoon stage and I was blissfully happy.

By Christmas though, I was having massive side effects to not taking my medication. (Side rant- why don’t GPs set up alerts for when patients don’t return for anti-depressants. I’m not saying I need them to be concerned, or remember themselves, these are volatile drugs that can lead to serious consequences if not taken properly.) Upon having a fake Christmas weekend as we couldn’t spend the holidays together (We were in an Open Relationship at this point. One that was never actually followed properly) I was told ‘You’re making me feel weird about sleeping with other people, so I can’t see you as much anymore.’ I had a meltdown. I returned to the doctors and I got some medication.

The anti-depressants didn’t quite work as well as they should have. On top of this the GP encouraged me to go back onto the contraceptive pill. FUCKER! Despite asking about its impact upon my mental health, I was told it would be fine. Word of warning to anyone out there; avoid microgynon at all costs, never mind if you’re being treated for depression. It is notorious for increasing depression in women. I felt like I was going insane.

Yes, I was still seeing my ex. No one knew except my house mate. Why didn’t I tell anyone? Because I knew he was bad for me. He was like a drug though. When I was with him, things were okay. So long as he didn’t bring up the others. At this point, he’d also started gaslighting me; “That’s not what I said.”, “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it. You can’t hold it against me.”, “We didn’t set that in stone. I can’t cancel on B.” so that didn’t help with my mental health.

I guess at a certain point, I wanted out but I didn’t know how. Cutting someone like that off is always the best move. However, every time I’d distance myself he’d become more affectionate and loving. I felt like a failure, unlovable (literally, he told me he no longer loved me after being the first one to say it) and trapped. It led to hospitalisation. That prompted a month-long silence from him. “I’ve dealt with girls like you before. You all do it to me.” He told me.

He got back in touch, told me he missed me that I was beautiful. I fell for it.

Within a month, there was a new girl on the scene. Someone from his past. I was told not to worry, she was just a friend. A fight ensued when he sent me away for the first time ever after telling me about her when we were at the cinema. He couldn’t be bothered with me told me sometimes and he wouldn’t want to see me. I just had to accept that. Being one of my strong moments I questioned the arrangement “So we only meet if YOU want me?” Apparently, that wasn’t fair and it wasn’t my fault that I always wanted him. I felt so cheap. Dirty. I knew it was because he’d seen her that day, and arrived to me late. It was actually my mum’s birthday (death, issues… another post) and he actually got angry with me for being upset about this. I hadn’t told him for this very reason.

A week later, he’d slept with her, loved her and was probably going to be his girlfriend so he couldn’t talk to me anymore. The crushing blow, I don’t know what made me ask but his response to ‘am I not beautiful anymore?’ was “you have always been ordinary looking.”

Now, any normal, well-adjusted person would have ditched him back in October when all her friends were screaming there was something off about the situation. They certainly would have walked away when the efforts of creating an awesome Christmas knowing he’d be alone on Christmas Day was essentially ‘fuck off while I bang other women without feeling guilt’.

Back down the rabbit hole I went. I thought I was certifiable. Doctors claim not. Just a bit of sleep is needed; medication change and sleeping pills rammed down my throat. This wasn’t what helped me move on. Hell, even now if I’m drunk I miss him. Not him really. The idea of the romantic man from the start who said ALL the things I’d never heard or believed would be said to me.

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What helped me was an online community. An app called LYF.

I’ve been reluctant to share this, because I like the anonymity of the site. I had hidden my identity completely, as the app gives this option. However, the stronger I’ve gotten the less I’ve wanted to hide. This is MY journey, MY pain and I must embrace it. I went through most of it alone. So me publishing it here opens me up to you all finding me and reading my story. I must be okay with that. (The biggest fear is not being believed)

Now, what is amazing about this app is what the anonymity brings with it. You can be truthful and candid. There are things posted there that I would never tell my friends and I’d certainly not post here.
It also helped me reach out in times of weakness. For example, I was petrified that last weekend, at my brother’s wedding he would get in touch. Mainly because it was the ONE TIME I didn’t want him to. The last time I felt okay about not hearing from him a box of my things arrived at my door with a formal typed out note. Set me back, I can tell you.

I also told the community who were following my journey when I’d have a slip and try and reach out. (Hello! I’m fucked up. Drunk me makes stupid, crafty choice… such as signing up to a postcard app and sending him a qwerty tee. I was very pissed with myself the morning after I did that because I WANTED THAT tee!) They remind me that’s part of the process and to be kinder to myself. I try.

There’s a discover section if you’re not quite ready to delve into your own journey. You’ll very quickly see that you’re not alone. Sometimes that’s all people need. When you’re ready, it’s painless to follow and I’ve yet to have any trolls. (When I posted an eye infection, someone did unhelpfully tell me they thought it was a tumour but I put that down to individual eccentricities rather than a deliberate attempt to upset or cause me stress)

It does seem to be a new app, and therefore there are some teething problems. For example, I’ve not been able to access the app for the last few days while at home with my father. It does need wi-fi to access the content. I’m not sure if this is to do with data protection.
Also, I’m often finding that because of its layout people give me advice based upon the one post. They don’t go back to read the whole story; mainly because it is hard to reach those early posts. There’s not page jumps but a reach the bottom of the page and more uploads.
For me, now being of sound mind and strong resilience (I only get a pang when I see something Rick and Morty related) when someone responds with ‘reach out to him, tell him this.’ My voice is able to go ‘fuck that. It’s a bad idea AND you don’t WANT that.’

Thanks to this app, I’ve now blocked him from everything I can. It doesn’t matter that he blocked me first, he’d have gotten back in touch eventually once the novelty of this new girl had worn off. I have deleted that pesky postcard app (drunk Hannah is a menace) and I’m making a conscious effort to drink less. Aside from last weekend, at my brother’s wedding. Only, that was the first time I didn’t attempt to contact him.
I also left at a decent hour, knowing I had enough to drink, and watched a film at his house with one of his friends. I had a bad hangover the next day but it still didn’t stop me being happy that I’m now free to have what my brother has; love, family, respect, partnership and trust. All things I threw out the window, along with a part of myself I’m building back up; my self esteem.

Until then, I will still be seeking the support of the community of LYF and I hope, should you need it, they’ll be there for you.

Be strong, be happy. You are loved!

Solitaire- Alice Oseman #bookreview

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Release date: 31.7.2014

From Amazon:
In case you’re wondering, this is not a love story.

My name is Tori Spring. I like to sleep and I like to blog. Last year – before all that stuff with Charlie and before I had to face the harsh realities of A-Levels and university applications and the fact that one day I really will have to start talking to people – I had friends. Things were very different, I guess, but that’s all over now.

Now there’s Solitaire. And Michael Holden. I don’t know what Solitaire are trying to do, and I don’t care about Michael Holden. I really don’t.

This incredible debut novel by outstanding young author Alice Oseman is perfect for fans of John Green, Rainbow Rowell and all unflinchingly honest writers.

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Characters

I relate so much with Tori. She is a very pessimistic narrator and it’s rather refreshing. It’s not teen angst either, it’s something deeper. Something ineffable. Which is perfect for someone like me who has suffered on and off with depression since I was about 12. Of course, at the time I was just a ball of emotion and couldn’t articulate. It’s reassuring as a thirty-something that I wasn’t alone and that any children I teach, or my own will have this platform to explore these feelings that we initially don’t understand, but also are afraid to express.

I was a bit confused by the actions of Lucas, the childhood friend. However, having recently seen Colossal, this appears to be a thing. The old high school trick of; if they’re horrible to you, they like you. At least in Solataire it’s done in a refreshing, original way.

Michael is a solid character, although I don’t believe the bad boy persona for one second and I’m desperate for some material from his point of view. I always have to remember that I’m only getting the view of Tori and she’d not omniscient.

Story

The story for me, being a teacher, is a little farfetched. I can’t switch it off when reading. I always text my best friend once I’ve finished a book and my response when I informed her that I preferred Radio Silence was ‘I’m a teacher, if that was going on in my school I’d like to think we’d shut that shit down.’
That said, removing that I really enjoyed the organic progression of the plot and the impact the pranks of Solitaire were having upon Tori’s mental health. Having the addition of her brother was genius. Tori would perhaps have unravelled a little sooner had she not felt an obligation to keep it together for her family.

Writing

Alice Osemen gives a strong voice to Tori. Her style makes for a very quick and easy read. There aren’t cliff-hangers at the end of chapters, which is good because it is a book you could digest in one sitting.

Osemen is certainly up there with Holly Bourne and Cat Clarke not only in writing, but in her approach to issues that need to be addressed for us to have a happy, healthy and understanding next generation.

Mental Health- an Introduction

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I’d set up this blog almost three years ago with the intention of writing film reviews. That first year, I discovered how hard it was to keep up with it when I was going the cinema as frequently as I did.
Back in December 2016, after being told by my then-boyfriend I would never make a blog work, I decided to pay for this domain. Six months down the line myself and my best friend Gem have some amazing plans to get ourselves off the ground. We’re both going to review YA novels, there’ll be some tv shows we’ll both cover while some (Rick and Morty) I’ll do solo. I’m still going to review films, but I need to get into a routine with that.

However, I want to do something more. Inspired by the amazing website DenofGeek and their Geek Vs Loneliness series, I want to cover something which impacts upon most people at some point in their lives: mental health. It’s a taboo subject, but that’s not going to stop me. Even if what I say here helps one person, I feel like that’s a job well done.

I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and vitamin D deficiency. It’s still unclear if any one of these is the root cause and for the moment, we’re going to assume that there isn’t an answer. I’m about to start counselling at the end of the month and I’m nervous.

Why?! Mainly because this has been one incredibly long and arduous battle through NHS. Two years ago, I requested some sort of therapy, yet the one that I’ll be starting in two weeks’ time will be a paid for service with doctors-in-training. I’ve had medical professionals give me wrong medication, medication that increases risk of depression and I have (I kid you not) been told finding myself a good-looking bloke to be my boyfriend would cure all my ails. So, my confidence in medicine at the moment is lacking somewhat.

Part of the problem for me is that I’m not very good at talking about these sorts of things. I keep it bottled up for fear of not being believed. This has, in the past, been reinforced when seeking support, I discovered friends thought I was an attention seeking drama queen.

Well, I’m not. I’m just a little broken.

I might not reveal everything that has gotten me to where I am today; some wounds don’t need to be inspected by anyone other than myself and a medical professional. However, what I will do is share some situations that are common to perhaps us all and through research, point people in the right direction for help.

Firstly

I often have students come to me upset, distraught and in some cases depressed. I think it’s my empathetic nature that makes people seek help from me. Each time they do, I suggest the exact same practise I try to do myself:

The 3-point positive.

Identify 3 things from the day that went well. Might seem too easy, or too hard. It depends on your mindset at the time. The most important thing is, you need to keep up with it.

I started it properly around this time last year. It was unbelievable hard and some days my positives would be as simple as ‘I washed my hair.’ However, as I stuck with it, not only was I finding it easier, I would be able to find the positives in things that would normally have me in a downward spiral.

It’s not fool proof, and that’s the key to it. At my strongest, I never thought I’d feel depressed ever again. It led me to my first relationship in five years, when I wasn’t quite ready. Some would argue that you’d never be ready for what I went through with my ex, but that’s beside the point. Because I wasn’t ready I ended up at my worst. While I’d supported him through his depression, I was abandoned and blocked.

I’ve started the positives again over on social media but I will put up a summary on here every now and then. I am also using an IOS app called Lyf. I will review it at another point.

Rick and Morty Series 3 episode 3: Pickle Rick #review

AKA: Rick goes to extreme lengths to avoid family counselling

There may have been a lack of off-world adventures, but the episode makes up for that with its high-octane storyline and visual brutality. From the first chuckle when Rick insisted Morty ‘flicks the pickle’ to his entrance into the counsellor’s office I constantly questioned whether Pickle Rick is a challenger to Tiny Rick.

The answer to that is a resounding yes. In a carefully constructed homage to the Action Movie, Pickle Rick escapes counselling and finds himself on an adventure of epic proportions. You would think that being a pickle might have its limitations, but not for Rick. By the time the second act is truly underway, Rick has pimped out his pickle and is facing off with a villainous group with send ups to film like Die Hard, Leon and even Deep Blue Sea (The shark one, not the Tom Hiddleston’s baring arse with Rachel Weiz one).

It was quite refreshing seeing Rick on his solo adventure, showing the resilience and vulnerability of the character. While his banter with Morty is funny, I certainly enjoined the respite of Morty’s negativity. Rick was able to crack on with his plans, without the moral voice of Morty holding him back.

I did, at one point, think we wouldn’t see Beth, Summer and Morty beyond the pre-title sequence. There was so much time dedicated to Rick early on, it would be forgiven if you forget about the others. However, we do get some time with them and as the session with Susan Sarandon progresses, we see how much Beth respects her father and wishes she felt the same in this emotional time. Her denial of her father’s avoidance is brilliant.

Again, another episode that deals with incredibly complex issues, including mental health. When Rick breaks down the door to be with his family, he has an insightful conversation with the counselor. It that moment, Rick is a lot of us; man of Science and fearful of emotions.

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Questions/Predictions

Jaguar will make another appearance this series
I’m starting to think the divorce is about us seeing less of Jerry. Perhaps Chris Parnell has other work commitments that require his time to be freed up.
More wishful thinking than anything; Beth needs to go off-world with Rick. When Summer and Morty go spend time with Jerry.