Name
It is Hannah, but I will answer to Han (as in Solo. I prefer Trek to Wars, but I figured this moniker pissed my brother off).
Actually, I’ll most likely answer to anything, because there’s a good chance, I didn’t hear what you’ve said but you’ve continued to talk to me.
If anyone calls me the wrong name, I tend to just go along with it so if you hear me being called something else, it’s okay. The experience of attempting to correct but still being called Helen (In email of all things, it was right there IN WRITING. Writing cannot be misheard!) or Sarah (this happened only the other day and after posting this.) and equally not correcting and eventually being told off (Like, literally told off. I hadn’t realised the first few times then it was too late. Told me I’d embarrassed him) when they’ve been told means I just take the path of least resistance now.
Disability
I’m now almost completely deaf in my left ear.
It is another thing I’m awaiting an assessment for, but back in 2008 I was 70% deaf and given a hearing aid. In October 2023, an infection in the ear caused the ear drum to burst and the hearing has I’ve not really heard out of it since.
It’s also still really painful and I occasionally get a sharp pain in that ear
WHAT THIS MEANS
- Well, this means that conversations with me can be a little harder. I rely on lip reading to support my hearing, so if you’re speaking when my head is down or I’m engaged in something else, I may not hear you.
- If the room is loud, I may miss things you say
- On the other side, I can talk loudly myself. Sorry for that, I cannot always regulate my volume. Please just tell me.
- The focus on hearing can make me tired and/or cranky. It’s not you.
Tips
- You may need to tap my arm, wave or even message me to get my attention.
- *if* you’re wanting to sit next to me and there’s a choice, the right side is always best.
- If what you want to talk to me about something important, get my attention then talk.
- If it’s really important and/or its noisy, ask if I have time and take me to a quiet spot.
I'm a Literal Kind of Gal
I take things literally sometimes. It’s largely to do with tone of voice, but it’s not that clear cut. A lot of this was learned behaviour from childhood and as much as I’ve pushed against it, it sometimes slips back.
Examples
ONE – Growing up, if I was told to “shut up”, I would for the rest of the day. I’m nowhere near as bad, but I do still only really speak when I’m spoken to as a default. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s that I believe it’s what most people want from me.
TWO – A more recent example is that upon saying ‘oh I’m sat away from everyone’ someone replied, ‘because no one likes you’.
It was meant as a ‘joke’, but because nothing else was said to me and the body language didn’t match a joke, I took it as fact.
This actually made me really ill. I was having panic attacks going to work and physically couldn’t speak to anyone. The biggest problem being that nobody liking me is a core belief and a permanent train of thought. Now it had someone else’s voice and I couldn’t shut it off.
THREE – When I was eight, my dad told me any boy I brought home was ‘dead meat’. I took this literally and I became mute to most males. I still struggle today.
Yup, despite being in my 30s I still struggle to have conversations with men because while I know how to talk, put one foot in front of the other and all that jazz, I’m petrified that speaking to a man first about anything other than work related stuff will lead to their untimely death. (This doesn’t mean I fancy you by the way, 8-year-old me still thought the feeling I had for Joe Mazzello was because I wanted to be there experiencing Jurassic Park than thinking he was adorable so you just need to be that gender for me to have this sticking point. However, the problem is made a thousand times worse if I find someone attractive).
WHAT IT MEANS
- I can be hurt by some jokes.
- If you repeat certain types of joking behaviour that I haven’t gotten the first few times, it will take its toll.
- I can isolate myself as this is a quick way for me to become overwhelmed; trying to consider what was meant.
TIPS
- If I hyper-focus after a ‘joke’ directed at me is said, there’s a good chance it was a put down and you might need to reassure me that it wasn’t meant
- Don’t tell me to ‘shut up’, even in a jokey way.
- Calling me stupid is a massive trigger for me. I don’t know why but this is where I’m most vulnerable.
- I tend to speak only when spoken to. This sometimes makes me seem standoff-ish and rude.
- If someone I don’t know touches me, please suggest going for a coffee to get me away, even for 5 minutes.
The Queens of Geekdom 