Category: 2005

The Pacifier (2005) Film Review

Welcome to the infantry.

Rating PG
Length 1h35
Release 27.05.2005
Director Adam Shankman
About Shane Wolfe must rescue Howard Plummer. Plummer, who is working on a secret government assignment, is killed. Wolfe must now search for the assignment in his house where his five children live.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Disney+
Trailer:

The Good

It’s a known story; anti-children and out-of-their depth adult is tasked with caring/looking after/ protecting a significant number of non-adults. Non-adults cause chaos, adult learns to soften and love…. uh-oh they’ve become attached and then the shit hits the fan for a bittersweet ending. You know what you’re getting going in.

It’s pretty sweet seeing Brittany Snow and Max Thierot pre-break out roles. Both handle themselves very well and have their moments to shine.

Always good to see Lauren Graham in anything; even if this did look like she walked right off the set of Gilmore Girls and onto this.

The Bad

What a waste of Carole Kane! Jesus, there’s no point to her character other than for the audience to go ‘oh shit, if she’s out Wolfe is done for.’
I predicted her as the bad guy or at least a red herring early on, but it was almost right after completing the thought she noped out of the proceedings.

What the fuck was with the duck that thought it was a dog?!

How do none of these children have friends? I get it, the film is cast heavy to begin with but I do not believe for one second these kids don’t have at least one best friend or people they hang out with more than we see in the film. I’m not talking boyfriend or forced after school group. It feels more of a plot movie, than a story. If that makes sense?!

The Ugly

The plot is shockingly bad:
1. The government could have gotten whatever was in that safe deposit box without the wife. Also, why wait the 6 months for Wolfe to recover before taking her over to collect it?! I’m getting really tired of villains waiting.
By the end I think the mum is away for almost 2 months. You’re telling me she’s going to accept being away from her kids that long, chilling abroad. On that note, this dude is shady so this ‘mission’ is off book. You’re telling me no one is questioning this, checking up on the bastard?!
I know there’s a level of switch your brain off and enjoy; but when it’s this hole-ridden, that’s really hard to do.
2. You’re that bank… you seriously going to give them unlimited chances to get into that box?! It blows my mind that after the first 20 guesses they’re not like ‘fuck off’.
3. You’re putting kids under protection? You don’t just sic one agent on them, you put two. You do what Kindergarten Cop did, have them play a couple and then down one of them with … something because there’s no way a mother would leave them with one bloke.

Final Thoughts

Way too dumb, and so many other films have done it way better without feeling as forced. If you ever feel the need; go rewatch Uncle Buck, Kindergarten Cop or School of Rock. Actually, fuck that…. go watch Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. It’s on Now TV and it’s awesome.

Star Wars Episode iii: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Rating 12
Length 2h20
Release 19.5.2015
Director George Lucas
About Anakin joins forces with Obi-Wan and sets Palpatine free from the evil clutches of Count Doku. However, he falls prey to Palpatine and the Jedis’ mind games and gives into temptation.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Disney Plus
Trailer:

First Thoughts

Prior to 30.8.2021, I had only seen this instalment once before. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if me not liking this was more to do with my memories of the day than the film itself, but I can tell you that it is definately more about the film than the fact my mother wouldn’t let me have a bit of the T-bone steak she’d gotten in for ‘her boys’.

The Good

  • Natalie Portman does an alright job and it was nice to see Jimmy Smits again. Yup, that’s about all I can say. Even that final battle, I briefly thought ‘here we go’ when I saw the lava. However, it never brought it. I feel like I could dub it with the sword fighting scene from Princess Bride.

The Bad

  • That opening. Dark, busy and so much like game play. I’d only watched episode 2 the week before, I should not feel like I’ve missed a film (or two) in between these two stories. I just wasn’t hooked in at all. Taking so long to see a familiar face really didn’t help matters.
  • Christopher Lee is wasted. He was introduced way too late and killed way too soon. It seemed so off that I did some research to see if Lee had refused to commit fully, in a similar fashion to Terence Stamp, but I’ve not seen anything to suggest that. The only thing I can think to explain this, is that stupid rule of two that was mentioned in Phantom Menace and wanting to promote Grievous. Which also doesn’t make sense, because he was in play in the previous film.
  • I think one of the biggest problems is how this doesn’t work as a stand alone trilogy. It ends on too much of a down note- our two surviving Jedi go into hiding, our good guys are dead, our bad guys have won. Our two orphans are split up.

The Ugly

  • There’s nothing more maddening than the evolution of Ani to Vader. Fuck me, we have this privileged white emo punk bitch (who started life a slave, I might add, so saying he comes across ‘privileged’ is really something) who is given THE best black guy voice in the form of James Earl Jones. Yet that punk bitch still shines through with that ‘nooooooooooo’. In part, its the curse of being ‘the chosen one’, but I really feel for anyone who grows up without meeting Vader with the isolation of the original trilogy.
  • George Lucas did not give me a fucking Wookie battle. The presence of the Wookies was, at best, fan lip service. However, my biggest gripe is that it proves that Lucas just needs to shut the fuck up sometimes. Not only did he reveal that Wookies were the original idea for Return, until he decided smaller, cuter, furies would make him more money, he went on to PROMISE us a Wookie battle. So 2005 Hannah had an idea formed in her head of the Endor battle, but with fucking Wookies. I didn’t get it and my love of George Lucas died that day. Even going in without the expectation of Wookie Endor battle, I wasn’t impressed with the inclusion or the promise made my Lucas.
  • The script. Jesus, there are so many dud lines. Was everyone so far up Lucas’ arse that they couldn’t go “Really? Do you not want someone to edit this?” There’s a bit, I cannot for the life of me remember where it comes in the film, but Obi Wan and Ani are in a lift that stops and the following dialogue made the cut:
    “Did you press the stop button?”
    “No, I didn’t press the stop button. Did you press the stop button?”
    NEITHER OF YOU ARE NEAR THE WALLS. You have the FORCE! DID YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK THAT!
    That’s one of the biggest problems. These people are meant to be wise! Yet the script makes them sound like dumb children. Could I do better? Maybe not, but I’d at least pass it around to a few people to EDIT first.
  • HOW, just HOW, did no one crack on to Palpatine being the Sith they were looking for. It felt like panto because we all knew. He wasn’t even really hiding. Also, McDiarmid, you’re a theatrically trained actor for god’s sake… could you be any more ham!

Final Thoughts

I now remember why I’ve not seen this instalment in 16 years. It’s a case of George, the ideas man, really got in his own way and didn’t pass on the directing duties. When it comes to the CGI, this is the worst of the three and more of a ‘they were so preoccupied as to whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.’

Film Review: Wedding Crashers (2005)

Rating: 15
Length: 1hr 59
Release: 14.7.2005
Dir: David Dobkin
About: Two womanisers who love to gatecrash weddings find themselves in a fix when one of them falls in love with the bridesmaid at one such wedding.

The Good

  • Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn work well as best friends, bordering on narcissistic but I feel as if that’s typical for male friendships in movies. There are also some sweet moments between the two.
  • As always Christopher Walken is a delight and a saving grace for the film. His charm works for the role as a powerful public figure and a thoughtful, open-minded dad.

The Bad

  • I couldn’t buy into the premise; crashing weddings to get laid. They’re not bad looking lads and they’re too old. I just feel as if it’s too much effort for banging a broad. Even if it was to scope out future clients as part of their jobs as mediators. Something that anchored these characters so that both of them having feelings doesn’t feel so forced. The only other way it works is that two twenty-somethings are cast. They’re up-and-comers with no money so choose the weddings in the hopes of a free bar and open legs.
  • It’s really not funny. It’s either too crude, too boring or the guys are too old to make it work. The whole plot feels very … well, its shit! The pacing and time structure of the whole thing is bollocks. Seriously? Owen Wilson spends 72 hours with Amy Adams and is wallowing MONTHS later! Bull shit!

The Ugly

  • Will Farrell. I remembered why I avoided his films; he’s a shouty douchebag and he makes me cringe! Now, if he was in one of the main roles, I’d have bought that he was pathetic enough to be going to weddings.
  • There’s two instances of sexual assault. Vince Vaughn is unknowingly strapped to his bed while asleep before being awoken by a naked Isla Fisher straddling him. He says no! Then she leaves, without untying him, and her brother jumps in and gives Vaughn a fondle. I don’t mention this lightly. I’m actually really pissed off. Put a woman in Vaughn’s position and this scene wouldn’t have made it into a comedy. Sexual assault, regardless of the victim or aggressor’s gender, shouldn’t be played for laughed. It doesn’t matter what happens between the people before or after and I think it’s just as, if not more so, important to call out male sexual assault. Ladies, we want equality; this is how it looks. It cuts both ways.

Final Thoughts

I hoped for something like Dodgeball. It was not Dodgeball. It was not Dodgeball in the slightest. I’m just glad I’d not see this before, otherwise I might never have gone to see The Internship.

Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)

Rating PG

Length 1Hr 41

Release 3.2.2006

About After their father (Tim Robbins) is called into work, two young boys, Walter (Josh Hutcherson) and Danny (Jonah Bobo), are left in the care of their teenage sister, Lisa (Kristen Stewart), and told they must stay inside. Walter and Danny, who anticipate a boring day, are shocked when they begin playing Zathura, a space-themed board game, which they realize has mystical powers when their house is shot into space. With the help of an astronaut (Dax Shepard), the boys attempt to return home.

First Thoughts

I was in uni when this came out and I was having a bit of a tough time. I can’t remember if it was when my mum was in hospital and it had all gotten a little much or if it was to do with issues in the house (communal living, yikes), but I just needed a sanctuary. It was watching this film that I realised how I found comfort in the cinema during times of stress; it got me away from my life for a while and fully immersed all of my senses.

It was also the first time I went the cinema alone. I bloody loved the freedom, the peace (I always, ALWAYS, seem to make friends with the chatty people) and the independence.

The Good

  • It takes the winning formula of Jumanji and gives the audience a new adventure that takes a family in the midst of a divorce into space. While there is an element of plot by numbers, it does offer more to the audience than derivative narrative.
  • Dax Shepherd is brilliant as the astronaut and I only wish I saw him in more things. He was able to portray a child like innocence with skin, much in the same way Williams did in Jumanji.
  • Kristen Stewart brings some of her best acting to the screen. Yes, it’s while she’s frozen but watch Twilight and you will agree, it’s a vast improvement.

The Bad

  • It’s a rather emotionally negative movie in terms of tone and atmosphere and by that I don’t mean the void of space (which they totally ignore when they throw the flaming couch out; Science bitches! Come on!). The relationship between the two boys is really toxic and while settling blame for a parental divorce might be circumstantial and worth exploring within a film narrative, there should be a resolution that establishes that no child will be the cause of a family breakdown. Unless of course that child in Damien, and then all bets are off.
  • The Zorgons scared the crap out of me. I fast forwarded through the invasion scene as I found Danny’s fear a little overwhelming. The music certainly supported the horror factor. Strange that after nearly a month of horror movies, this was the one to break me.

The Ugly

  • Kristen Stewart offers up some of her worst acting, to the point you wish she’d stayed frozen. Her screaming and shouting is like a spike being driven through your eye and into your brain. Add to this, her pawing over Dax Shepherd and admitting she wanted to fuck him gives such Lannister vibes that you will indeed experience sick in your mouth.
  • There’s way too much shouting and whinging from the two leads. It’s space, no one should hear you scream shit heads.

Final Thoughts

It’s Jumanji, in space. There’s no getting away from that.

Christmas Film Advent- Just Friends (2005)

Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I’m going to show her the biggest pussy she’s ever seen.

Length: 1Hr 35

Rating: 15

About: High school student Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) loves his best friend, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart). He finally confesses his feelings, but she tells him that she just wants to be friends, and he leaves town in shame. Ten years later, Chris is a successful record executive and involved with self-absorbed pop star Samantha James (Anna Faris). He still pines for Jamie, though, and when his plans to go to Paris for the holidays fall through, he returns to his hometown to try and win her heart.

First Thoughts

This is another one that I know I’ve seen, was certain I owned on dvd but didn’t remember much about it. I don’t remember being to enamoured by Ryan Reynolds and I certainly wasn’t too impressed by his previous film, Van Wilder. I’ve not been inclined to rewatch it and I didn’t remember that it was set at Christmas.

The Naughty List

  • The plot is a little over complicated. The key problem I have is that it needs to lose at least one of the characters. Either Chris Kline’s Dusty or Anna Faris’ Samantha needs to be left on the cutting room floor for me, at the very least. I have a feeling that over the years I will change my mind as to which one causes the most problems to the plot. Today, it’s both.
  • On the one hand, Samantha is just too underdeveloped and too wacky for this sweet film. She’s a brilliant foil for Reynolds’s in a different movie, but her insistence that she’s dating Chris is a thread that’s not followed through properly and I feel as if parts of their relationship have been rewritten.
  • Then there’s Dusty; they live in a small town, how has Jamie never bumped into him before, why doesn’t his alter ego at the very least preceded him and why on Earth was he waiting to get his ‘revenge’? The better, funnier and missed story here would have been to have him make moves on Chris’ mother.
  • I’m not sure, in hindsight, Amy Smart was the best casting choice. In 2005, she was in everything and perhaps considered to be the next ‘Meg Ryan’. However, I find her a little too harsh and far from the sweet girl that would be friends with the larger Chris. She comes across as the mean girl cheerleader. The irony being that The Notebook, the film within the film, stars Rachel McAdams who effectively transitioned from mean girl to American sweetheart.
  • There were just a few sour notes that could have been sweetened by easy changes in the plot; Chris works in music and Dusty plays. Couldn’t we have had Chris help him out? I just find it odd that it’s so overlooked and it feels a little like a rewrite.

The Nice List

  • Chris’ development is brilliant. From his soured ‘I’ll hurt before I get hurt’ approach to a return to his teen-like persona is a heart warming and sweet approach to the film.
  • I absolutely love the relationship between Chris and his brother, Mike. Not only is it where you see Chris most himself, it prompts most of the laughs. I’d have happily sacrificed Faris or Kline to see more of this relationship.
  • I like that the film didn’t go for the obvious root of having Faris pretend to be his girlfriend to make previous love interest jealous, only to discover he now loves Faris. Although, not having this plot point makes me feel like Samantha is a redundant character.

Final Thoughts

A fair film and much funnier than I remember. While Reynold’s doesn’t have the balance of charming bastard he brings to the Merc with the Mouth, he won me over with this viewing.

Change the reason why Chris is on the plane that takes him home and remove Samantha and I think I’d be on my way to loving this.

Oh, and one final thought. Chris Pratt circa Guardians would be a perfect fit for the role of Chris and it would have been awesome to have seen him act alongside Faris.