hscptcrash

Crossroads (2002)

Dreams change. Friends are forever.

Rating PG
Length 1h34
Release 29.03.2002
Director Tamara Davies
About Three childhood friends, reunite on graduation and promptly decide to take a trip across the country. But, what happens when their trip to rekindle their friendship is interrupted by a baleful guy?
Moon: Full moon in first scene
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

The Good

Well, the film really goes all out with the social obstacles of young women. Over the 90 minute run time we look at parental expectation, following a dream parents don’t approve of, protective parents but more importantly the film tackles rape, pregnancy and the perception of a woman’s status while pregnant at a certain age. The scenes are handled exceptionally well and to the point where I wish this was Mimi’s film. It’s unsurprising that the film is on-point with these issues; the script is written by Shonda Rhimes.

Anson Mount pre-Pike is always …. not a delight as such, because that man is perfect as the Star Trek Captain, but it’s good to see his roots. He really gives the audience a good brooding and frustrated-at-the-world musician and at least gives us a sense of chemistry.

Having Dan Ackroyd here almost makes this feel like it could have been a My Girl 3, with a few tweaks and recasting. Honestly, who wouldn’t love that?! Seeing Vada healed and blossoming after the events of the first movie?

The Bad

You get in Kim Cattrall and that’s the scene we get?! Oh that script let her down so bad.

Lucy doesn’t want to go to medical school, I got that. However, I’d love to have seen why her dad wanted her to?! Is there an aptitude towards medicine? Yes, you tell me, but there’s nothing about the character that suggests there’s any talent or passion for medicine.
I wrote a note while watching saying that there needed to be a medical emergency in which she takes control and demonstrates the skills the father can see. Yes, not too long after we get a potential scene but it’s wasted and given over to a show of the strengthening friendship.

The Ugly

The biggest problem with the film is that Lucy is the lead and she’s our weakest link. Not only are there the character problems as listed above, Brittney Spears cannot, and it pains me to say this, act.
Brittney Spears is playing Brittney Spears and she’s just reading lines. I would go so far to say there’s not even an attempt to act. Which means what is clearly meant to be a story arc is dismissed.
The character felt so underdeveloped and one note; I never believed the side that had her as the speech giving, medically inclined study-hard so I didn’t see the journey as a growth of the character.

Final Thoughts

Past Hannah was right in dismissing this movie and the distributors were right to keep it off streaming platforms for as long as they did. What makes it worse though is there’s a really good Stand by Me/ Now and Then type film there when the right cast is put in place instead of gambling on a name to get bums on seats.

The Pacifier (2005) Film Review

Welcome to the infantry.

Rating PG
Length 1h35
Release 27.05.2005
Director Adam Shankman
About Shane Wolfe must rescue Howard Plummer. Plummer, who is working on a secret government assignment, is killed. Wolfe must now search for the assignment in his house where his five children live.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Disney+
Trailer:

The Good

It’s a known story; anti-children and out-of-their depth adult is tasked with caring/looking after/ protecting a significant number of non-adults. Non-adults cause chaos, adult learns to soften and love…. uh-oh they’ve become attached and then the shit hits the fan for a bittersweet ending. You know what you’re getting going in.

It’s pretty sweet seeing Brittany Snow and Max Thierot pre-break out roles. Both handle themselves very well and have their moments to shine.

Always good to see Lauren Graham in anything; even if this did look like she walked right off the set of Gilmore Girls and onto this.

The Bad

What a waste of Carole Kane! Jesus, there’s no point to her character other than for the audience to go ‘oh shit, if she’s out Wolfe is done for.’
I predicted her as the bad guy or at least a red herring early on, but it was almost right after completing the thought she noped out of the proceedings.

What the fuck was with the duck that thought it was a dog?!

How do none of these children have friends? I get it, the film is cast heavy to begin with but I do not believe for one second these kids don’t have at least one best friend or people they hang out with more than we see in the film. I’m not talking boyfriend or forced after school group. It feels more of a plot movie, than a story. If that makes sense?!

The Ugly

The plot is shockingly bad:
1. The government could have gotten whatever was in that safe deposit box without the wife. Also, why wait the 6 months for Wolfe to recover before taking her over to collect it?! I’m getting really tired of villains waiting.
By the end I think the mum is away for almost 2 months. You’re telling me she’s going to accept being away from her kids that long, chilling abroad. On that note, this dude is shady so this ‘mission’ is off book. You’re telling me no one is questioning this, checking up on the bastard?!
I know there’s a level of switch your brain off and enjoy; but when it’s this hole-ridden, that’s really hard to do.
2. You’re that bank… you seriously going to give them unlimited chances to get into that box?! It blows my mind that after the first 20 guesses they’re not like ‘fuck off’.
3. You’re putting kids under protection? You don’t just sic one agent on them, you put two. You do what Kindergarten Cop did, have them play a couple and then down one of them with … something because there’s no way a mother would leave them with one bloke.

Final Thoughts

Way too dumb, and so many other films have done it way better without feeling as forced. If you ever feel the need; go rewatch Uncle Buck, Kindergarten Cop or School of Rock. Actually, fuck that…. go watch Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. It’s on Now TV and it’s awesome.

The French Connection (1971)

Doyle is bad news – but a good cop.

Rating 18
Length 1h44
Release 18.01.1972
Director William Friedman
About New York City cop Doyle and his partner are trying to bust a drug cartel based in France. Albeit short-tempered, Doyle is a dedicated cop whose nemesis, Alain Charnier, is too polished for a criminal.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: BBC IPlayer
Trailer:

The Good

Much in the same way Detective Peralta was inspired to join the force on the back of Die Hard, I could imagine John McClane being inspired by Jimmy ‘Popeye’ Doyle.
The character operates in the shades of grey and you can very quickly tell, it’s the only way to operate in the grime and challenges of 70s New York City. I could not imagine anyone other than Gene Hackman playing this ambigious role. Most of his great performances involve a flawed character.

For the time, this was considered fast paced. Oh how long for this standard, instead of the nauseating blurs of CGI we get today. Most younger viewers have been conditioned with the car chases of franchises, not least of which is Fast and the Furious.
However, those who truly love film will be able to appreciate the technical skill required for the chase sequence in this film. It’s simple, the cars keep to speed limit that doesn’t invoke the sound of NOS and yet it will still have your adrenaline pumping.

The Bad

The fact that this film has a sequel. Even though, I’ve not seen it, the ambiguity of that final scene is undone just from the knowledge that the sequel exists. Much in the same way there’s no sense of jeopardy in Marvel’s Black Widow because she’s present in films that take place after BW.

The Ugly

I know what the film was trying to achieve with the semi-hand held free movement of the camera; it compliments the tone by giving that pseudo documentary style of filmmaking. However, at times it really made me sick to my stomach.

Final Thoughts

It’s not a film I personally would watch for entertainment. However, I also recognise that this film walked so many crime based films and shows could run.

Barnacle Bill (1957)

The captain preferred the merry times on land to the mermaids at sea!

Rating U
Length 1h27
Release 17.12.1957
Director Charles Freed
About Captain William Ambrose purchases a devastated amusement pier after retirement. He comes up with various business ideas, but in vain. Soon, he must deal with a man who wants to demolish the pier.
Moon: full moon seen
Where to Watch: 4OD
Trailer:

No trailer for Barnacle Bill

The Good

Alec Guinness is a delight, as always. There’s just something so endearingly charming about him, even when he is playing someone with the quirks of Captain Ambrose.

The bookend storytelling device, one that I mostly associate with Hammer Horror, works well here. I adore the opening in which the pub closes much, MUCH, earlier than we would expect and Ambrose takes the reporter to the bank over the road.

It’s funny, charming and full to the brim of everything that makes Ealing Comedy great. In fact, this film reads like a Carry On… film, without the over zealous and salacious double entendre.

The Bad

This film has a most excellent ‘bad guy’ in which Ambrose and his associates go up against. It makes for a wonderful underdog story that you will want to see out to the end.
Partly I think because nothing has changed and this local council is much more representative of our government today. It’s nigh impossible for us to get a win and our government have done way more egregious things as embezzlement. However, there’s something cathartic about the underdog getting a win.

The Ugly

Poor Mrs Barrington. She’s a force to be reckoned with and there’s even a hint of a romance with Captain Ambrose. However it all falls by the wayside for the second half of the movie and she becomes a mere ornament for the final act.
I wish they had her as strong throughout; giving her something to do or achieve that wasn’t directly linked to Ambrose.

The opening, and some of the scenes in Ambrose’s cabin, didn’t half make me sea sick. I guess that’s one way to have you empathise with the main character, but I would have preferred a less interactive and visceral way.

Final Thoughts

A charming snapshot of years long past. I do wonder if a remake could be made around the currently closed, and condemned, Southport Pier. It would be a novel way to raise the funds for its reparations.

Blazing Saddles (1974)

Mel Brooks’ comic saga of cowboys and imbeciles.

Rating 12
Length 1h33
Release 23.06.1974
Director Mel Brooks
About Hedley Lamarr, a corrupt politician, hires an African-American man as the sheriff of a small town to drive its residents away, but his plan backfires when the townspeople take a liking to the sheriff.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: BBC Iplayer
Trailer:

The Good

Gene Wilder was an excellent choice and last-minute replacement for Jim. His relationship with Bart is what the film needs and they truly work together. As always, Wilder is on form with his comic timing.

I saw that Richard Pryor was briefly considered for the role by Brooks, however Pryor’s substance abuse was rather public at the time and so the studio vetoed the choice.
For me, I’m rather glad of studio meddling for once. It meant that we got an incredible and much more understated performance from Cleavon Little. There’s no question, Little carries this film effortlessly.

On the whole, the film is funny while actually broaching some serious social issues. Those without an understanding of satire may incorrectly see the film as ‘racist’, however the film is asking you to laugh at the ridiculousness of hate.

With it being one of Brooks’ early films, there’s not so many references that rely on a person having knowledge of the time in which it was made. As much as it pains me to say this, Blazing Saddles is a much better movie than the Cary Elwes led, Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993).

The Bad

Yeah… you all bigged up that farting scene way too much. It cannot live up to the way people talk about it. In a world in which we have a film that has two women playing “battle shits” in the college dorm bathroom, the impact of this monumental cutaway scene has greatly reduced.
Not helped by the fact that I’m sure I’ve scene the whole scene play out on no less than 3 ‘best of’ countdowns. It just felt a little ‘that it?’

The dude named Mongo. It’s a personal thing, but to name a character coded as slow and stupid Mongo feels so painfully ‘nudge-nudge, wink-wink’ on the nose.

It’s alway good to see Santa in something, anything, other than Santa Clause: The movie (1985).

The Ugly

The film goes a little too meta at the end for me with the escaping the world of the film, to the behind the scenes. Then it goes and doubles down by going to watch the ending of the film in a cinema on the studio lot.
I’m sure Mel Brooks had that planned from the outset, but it comes across to me as if the story ran out of steam and this gave the film an ending.

Final Thoughts

It’s a film I’m going to wait a while to revisit, but I am glad I finally understand what all the fuss is about.

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

Rating 15
Length 3h26
Release 20.10.2023
Director Martin Scorsesse
About Real love crosses paths with unspeakable betrayal as Mollie Burkhart, a member of the Osage Nation, tries to save her community from a spree of murders fueled by oil and greed.
Moon: full moon seen 25 minutes in
Where to Watch: Apple TV
Trailer:

The Good

I’m calling it now: Lily Gladstone will take away the Oscar for Best Actress in a leading role on 10 March. She is incredible in representing what I see as a matriarchal power within a community that many women today would say is what feminism is looking for in terms of ‘equality’.
Gladstone even when at the most vulnerable point of Mollie’s life, gives a strength of character and morals that will have you wanting to reach through the screen to ensure her survival.

It is a visually beautiful film. You cannot deny, that Martin Scorsese is an incredible, talented, filmmaker. He’s even able to utilise slow motion is a competent and effective way.

The story is powerful. I found myself at the half way mark, maybe a little after, thinking so angrily about how corrupting wealth is. It then pulled me up short because this is a wealth that is still causing death, deception and dehumanisation a hundred years later. We’re not talking about money, but something more powerful. Oil.
Then you consider the characters of Mollie and Ernest. My opinions of DiCaprio aside, it’s clear these two characters love each other. It creates an almost paradox, not only within the film but the audience’s own understanding too. It will have you thinking about it, long after the film has finished.

The Bad

The run time. Yes, I do think that it’s largely to do with what the story is telling and how it perhaps could have been a trilogy. Maybe if Scorsese was younger, he’d have entertained it. However, I think this is the first three hour film I’ve watched since the most recent Bond. I didn’t need to stop the film, but with it being a slow and relatively quiet film, I know others would struggle.

By extension, because of how long the film is, the one thing I disliked was the use of flash back in the final act to an earlier part of the film. It wasn’t a replay of scenes, but still felt unnecessary.

The Ugly

I big swing, but Leonardo DiCaprio is too overrated and I could have watched this film with anyone else in the role of Earnest. In fact, I would have preferred Jesse Plemons take on the protagonist, and DiCaprio in the smaller, third act role, of Tom White.
Maybe I’m missing something that others can see in DiCaprio’s performances, but I couldn’t distinguish this performance, to that of The Revenant (2015), or even Don’t Look Up (2021). His ability to gurn and look like he’s attended Joey’s School of ActingTM does not an actor make for me.

By extension, Robert DeNiro should have been swapped with John Lithgow for the very reason that there was doubt or question about the morality of Bill Hale. The moment you see DeNiro, you know that while he himself doesn’t get dirty, he’s the shots.
Put Lithgow in the role, what is seen immediately as manipulation, becomes a much more subtle and opportunistic plot. DeNiro is too much the obvious choice for that role and I truly would have loved to have seen Lithgow get his teeth into a multi act performance and allowing DeNiro to play the smaller, government role.

Final Thoughts

An incredibly well made film that is a little too long for me. Not because of attention span as such, more that the story does lend itself to a trilogy.
That said, if you’re a fan of Scorsese, you’ll find this biopic perfect.

Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken (2023)

Discover the hero just beneath the surface.

Rating PG
Length 1h31
Release 30.06.2023
Director Kirk DeMicco
About Sweet and awkward 16-year-old Ruby Gillman is desperate to fit in at school, but she mostly just feels invisible. She’s prevented from hanging out with the cool kids at the beach because her over-protective mom forbids her from getting in the water. When she breaks her mom’s rule, Ruby discovers that she is a descendant of the warrior Kraken queens and is destined to inherit the throne from her grandmother. The Kraken are sworn to protect the world’s oceans against vain, power-hungry mermaids.
Moon: full moon seen at multiple times
Where to Watch: Now TV
Trailer:

The Good

Following in the footsteps of Disney’s Seeing Red, this film looks at the turbulent time of going from childhood to adulthood.

The characters are pretty cool, and I love the subversion of expectations: making the Kraken good and the mermaids evil.

It’s good to have Jane Fonda and Annie Murphy within the voice cast. There’s something distinctive and soothing about Fonda’s voice and Murphy’s work as Alexis in Schitt’s Creek makes her perfect for the popular student, Chelsea.

The Bad

For a Dreamworks production, there’s something missing. The quality of both the animation and story just don’t reach the quality of any of the other franchises from this company.

The Ugly

The biggest problem is that the opening is told by an omniscient narrator who also happens to be the protagonist, Ruby, and doesn’t know she’s a kraken until half way through the film.
It just puts the audience at odds with the narrative. We already know she’s a kraken because of the title, then the opening tells us too… but then the film plays dumb. It sucks.

Final Thoughts

I don’t regret watching, but I really did find it lacking.

Upgraded (2024)

You’ve been upgraded!

Rating 15
Length 1h44
Release 09.02.2024
Director Carlson Young
About An aspiring art intern is invited on a last-minute work trip to London, where she meets a handsome stranger.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime Exclusive
Trailer:

The Good

Riverdale alum Camila Mendes proves yet again she’s lead material by following high school rom-com love letter to Clueless (Do Revenge) with a rom-com of a more grown up affair. She’s born for the rom-com and has easy chemistry with everyone.
She also provides the audience with a charming, hard-working, character who you want to root for.

Anthony Stewart Head, a man who had my heart from the moment he slammed that book down in front of Buffy in Sunnydale’s Library. It’s safe to say that he is a wonderful addition to anything in which he’s in (and I mean that! audiobook, tv, film and even theatre).
This is no exception. Head plays a scene-stealing artist that is able to see Ana for who she is.

The film follows a trusted romantic story arc, without delving into the darker side of what essentially boils down to fraud, and it doesn’t mind diverting itself away from some of the more obvious choices.

The Bad

I would have like to have had both Ana and William have more friends around them. Yes, Ana has her work friend who is great, but she’s only ever used to move the plot along.
There’s no way William, with that upbringing and parties, doesn’t have a group of friends who would cheer him on, or thwart his romance.

The Ugly

The ugly step-sister trope.
Yup, utterly stunning assistants; rotten to the fucking core! They’re panto-level horrible and I’d love to replace them with something a little more nuanced. Or subtle.

Final Thoughts

A pretty decent, and much needed, rom com with a lead who will hopefully give us many more over the coming years.

The Book of Clarence (2023)

I wouldn’t have let you drown. But now I have to crucify you.

Rating 15
Length 2h09
Release 11.10.2023 (BFI London Film Festival)
Director Jemmies Samuel
About A down-on-his-luck man struggles to find a better life for his family while fighting to free himself of debt. Captivated by the power and glory of the rising Messiah, he risks everything to carve his own path to a divine life, ultimately discovering that the redemptive power of belief may be his only way out.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch:
Trailer:

The Good

It’s difficult not to compare this to Monty Python’s The Life of Brian, and it exactly what made the Python’s film (and Kevin Smith’s Dogma) great that allows this to succeed too.
It’s an incredible, clever, film that can be read on many levels. While we follow someone attempting to emulate Jesus, much in a similar way to LoB, there’s so many elements of Biblical truth to be seen within its run time.
For example, the discussion of Mary’s ‘virginity’ and a particularly funny dialogue about etymology: *chef’s kiss*.

You will know this from the trailer alone, Jesus is finally not the blue-eyed white guy of Hollywood. That’s not to say that this film doesn’t acknowledge, or attempt to explain, how Jesus looked like prequel Obi Wan.

Clarence’s character arc from blasphemer to believer is stunning and comparable to the conversion of Saul. It’s also the source of much of the humour. None of which is possible without LaKeith Stanfield. It takes a certain talent to successfully act in dramatic roles, and comedic roles, Stanfield is not only able to do both; he’s does both in the one film.

James MacAvoy: His presence is short, but memorable. Oh he absolutely relishes every moment of being a villain.

The Bad

I wish the very beautiful Babs Olusanmokun had a few more scenes than he did. It would have been nice to have seen him use his physical/fighting experience within the scenes he did appear in.

The Ugly

I actually cannot believe I’m saying this, but Benedict Cumberbatch was incorrectly cast. To me at least. While I explained earlier, it is hard not to compare this film to the Python’s silver screened outing, Clarence is not Brian.
Unfortunately, I got the impression Cumberbatch was playing the role as if he was in the 1979 cult classic.
Yes, he got some of my favourite lines, love the character and the inclusion of him in the story as a whole. However, I disliked his delivery. Too hammy and too broad. The biggest shame? He could have knocked this out of the park.

Final Thoughts

Not only is it modern, beautiful and moving, it about bloody time. It also felt sincere in its message of faith. Something that occasionally be lost with the comedic tone.

Poms (2019)

From the Studio That Brought You BAD MOMS and the Producer of BOOK CLUB.

Rating 12
Length 1h31
Release 01.12.2019
Director Zara Hayes
About Elderly women in a retirement community start a cheerleading company but soon get discouraged. However, when their video goes viral on the internet, they decide to take part in a competition.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Netflix
Trailer:

The Good

The cast is brilliant, they’re funny and it’s really good to see some of these heavy hitters together. I’m also a massive sucker for the old folk movies ever since Cocoon and Batteries Not Included introduced me to Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn.

I adore the idea of these older women performing in a cheerleading competition. It sends a strong message of “you’re never too old to fulfil your dreams”

There’s also a beautiful message about intergenerational communication and the role reversal that comes with families. It’s a little bittersweet, but also empowering for all the right people.

The Bad

What happened to the promotion of this movie? It was released in 2019 and I’d never even heard of it. Honestly, that’s the biggest shame because this is the sort of film that’s missing out there among the superheroes and aliens.

The Ugly

You will ugly cry. It’s set up right at the beginning, and you’ll think you can get through it, but just wait …. niagara falls!

Final Thoughts

A perfect Sunday afternoon film when you’re in need of catharsis.

Barbarella (1968) Film Review

The space age adventuress whose sex-ploits are among the most bizarre ever seen.

Rating 15
Length 1h38
Release 18.10.1968
Director Roger Vadim
About Barbarella, an astronaut from the future, is sent on a mission to find and stop an evil scientist whose invention could spell the destruction of the galaxy.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Now TV
Trailer:

The Good

Jane Fonda to many will be known for this “sex kitten” era. For me, she’s a political activist and my main experience is Jean Luc Godard’s Tout Va Bien (1972), the amazing 9 to 5 (1980) and the powerful The Newsroom (2012 – 2014).
This was new, but I can see why this is a stand out role. She’s the Margot Robbie of the 60s and boy does she get a Barbie-esque wardrobe to play with over 90 minutes of screen time and at least 7 costume changes. Good job too, the character also has the Kirk affliction in that the clothes never remain on for long.

It is, intentional or not, funny as fuck! From style, to dialogue and even the plot. It’s Flash Gordon meets Buck Rogers by way of Idiocracy. Add some friends and some booze and I’d imagine it would be even funnier.

The Bad

It’s a bad porn, with cutaway sex scenes and a semblance of a plot? I add the question because that plot, is bad. So so bad. I was incredibly disappointed because for this being such an iconic film, I was expecting so much more.

The Ugly

Obviously there is all of the sex Barbarella has. It’s what gives the tone of porn with plot, 50 Shades of Psychadelic technicolour as it were. It just cheapens what could be an incredibly powerful film.

The other part is the torture and death by sexual assualt. Okay, so it’s call something else to soften the sinister implications but that is what the device, and final act, is. Barbarella is placed in the contraption without consent. Hell, she’s fucking unconscious. The fact that the device brings her pleasure is not the point, and is what makes the scene quite unwatchable because of the underhandedness of the assault. Yes, she also survives, but that again does not diminish the horror.

Final Thoughts

The ending too brutal for me to watch again, even to test my theory that friends and drink will make it funnier. I am also getting very tired of rape being the butt of a joke in films of the 60s and 70s; pretty certain that wasn’t what was meant by “Free love”.

Big Daddy (1999) Film Review

Nature called. Look who answered.

Rating 12
Length 1h34
Release 01.10.1999
Director Dennis Dugan
About An irresponsible Koufax is dumped by his girlfriend for an older man. He adopts a five-year-old boy to impress her. But after spending time with him, he decides to become the father the boy needs.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:

The Good

I enjoyed the final act court case.

I loved the apartment. For however impractical it was, I want to live in it.

I’ve got to admit, the treating Julian like he’s a dog and just covering pee and vomit with papers was funny. I’ll give the film that.

The Bad

I know the Sprouse twins were only seven, but what directions were they given to have such an appalling performance? There’s a whine they use whenever they speak and it is a performance rather than how they actually speak. So annoying.

Rob Schneider does another Simpsons-esque accent that feels like it’s taking the piss to get a laugh rather than it being a genuinely funny character.

Leslie Mann’s character. Mann can play uptight really well, but this character was… well, it was shit and she absolutely deserves more.

The Ugly

This is one of Sandler’s shouter movies. I’m guessing some audiences find it funny, given it became a staple of his films, but for me it grates and at no point is it funny.

The set up of the plot is mindnumbingly dumb. While Uncle Buck and 3 Men and a baby successful set up a believable situation in which someone unprepared for parenthood is placed in a situation that helps them mature.
However, there’s no real motivation for Sandler’s Sonny to take on a young kid that isn’t his and the inclusion of social services just makes the set up convoluted.

Final Thoughts

This film could have been Uncle Buck meets 3 Men and a Baby, but it falls very short.