Category: Ramblings

I found these 25 questions for personal growth. I figured it was a good way to spend some time reflecting upon myself. I think I intended to answer them with a comedian’s mind-set. However, I don’t think I’ve been all that successful.

1. What does your ideal day look like?

My ideal day would involve starting the day by sitting and reading in a comfy chair with a good cuppa. The rest of the day would involve a mixture of walking alongside a canal (ideally not one strewn with rubbish), stroking any passing dogs, cats or even cows before having an afternoon in a nearby pub where I could work on my writing.

(side note- I spent a week last summer in the Outer Hebrides and I became adamant I was going to stroke a cow. Alas, they gave me the eyes and got away as fast as they could. Some even turned their rears and emptied their bowels in protest. I wondered why I was ensuring cows joined the ranks of cats in the fight to give me a complex about my self-worth. I recently realised why I’d come to my conclusion that they were more like large dogs; Jurassic Park. “Just think of it as a big cow,” Encourages Grant. “I like cows.” Lex goes in to stroke the dinosaur. Damn!

I’d end the day with a good film, good company and an excellent bottle of wine. Or two.

2. What did you want to be when you were younger?

I wanted to be an author, a chef or a dinosaur tamer (that was back when I thought the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park were really and needed taming. I’m sensing a theme here). When I was 8 though, I knew I was destined to be a teacher. I didn’t know what subject, or even which level. I just knew I would spend some time the other side of the classroom desks.

I had hoped that teaching would enable me to write during the holidays. As half of my holidays are now expired, I can quite clearly say that it’s not quite working out as I hoped.

3. Who are you most inspired by? Explain.

Carrie Fisher.

She’s a new inspiration to me, but because of her battle with depression I have found her openness and honesty refreshing and needed in the current social climate. If everyone had the attitude that she had about accepting that people need help for his or her chemical imbalance, those affected wouldn’t feel so ashamed and, as a result, have one less battle to face.

Carrie faced her demons, she did it with charm, with clout and with a little bit of bite. She didn’t make any apologises for her mental health or behaviour as a result.

Considering she was acting royalty, she’s carved out her own mark in the industry. Carrie raised her daughter as a single parent and she whipped the arses of trolls when Force Awakens came out. She was beautiful, inside and out. I only wish I’d gotten the chance to have said that to her face.

4. Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?

 

I would love to meet Richard Schiff, again. Properly. I’d love to sit in a quiet coffee shop and set the world to rights with him. I’d ask, if he was open to it, about his faith and its impact upon the roles he’s picked and his participation within politics.

 

5. What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?

Break- my love and addiction for cheese and bread. They both keeps me from losing weight and don’t make me very happy. Start- I’d love to enjoy going to the gym, or running. I was at the gym about a month ago and I realised, I want a partner who’ll be my gym buddy.  

6. Think about a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person?

They are funny, honest and well balanced in their happiness. They can be sad, and they are not ashamed to cry. As someone who finds it difficult to hide my emotions, it’s good to see someone embrace them.

7. How do you like to relax?

I read or watch a tv show. Fresh pyjamas, fresh bedding and a good cuppa after a shower. It’s why autumn is my favourite season; it’s the perfect time for nesting.

8. When was the last time you did something you were afraid of?

When I came home to Liverpool last week. I left my socks off, revealing my tattoos to my father. I was petrified of his response thinking he would get in a mood, shout, then give me the silent treatment.

9. What are you most proud of?

Getting around 30 year 10 students through their RE GCSE in one year, after school and with no support. While a lot of it was the student’s motivation and ability to work independently I was also able to prove something to myself and many others; I’m amazing at my job and I know what I’m doing… Right before the government decided to change the blasted rules and playing field.

10. What are you most afraid of?

Finding out I’m evil. Sometimes, when people turn on me I wonder if I blackout and do or say things to them that cause it. It’s probably just that I’m a nice person with a shelf life and they’ve bled me for all they can.
I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Not in the romantic sense; I think people mistake that with me. I mean in the physical sense. I hate spending time with myself, so I assume others think the same.

11. If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing?

Flirting more and telling men when I fancy them. I learnt from getting my courage up with one person that if they mean anything to you, things won’t be awkward. It’s a good way of weeding out the genuine people, I guess. Plus, what if I go ‘Hey, you’re cute, I like you… let’s get a coffee?” and they say yes? It uncomplicates things.

12. Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why?

I don’t think there is anyone. I’ve either made connections, they have, or I’m feeling much better without them in my life. I think because I give people so many chances before I break the communication, I don’t think there is anything to be gained.

13. What qualities do you admire in others?

Honesty, transparency, creativity and humbleness. I admire intelligence too, so long as it’s not used to put others down.

14. What practical skills do you wish you had?

The ability to make origami and to drive. Both of which an intelligent person should be able to master. Alas not me; I can understand, just not execute.

15. Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell?

I’d like to be able to bore my grandchildren with all the celebrities I’ve met. Some will mean nothing to them, others they’ll have a vague recollection. But Alexander Sidding? Oh, they will love that story and know exactly who he is, mainly because they’ll have watched lots of Star Trek with me.

16. What is your favourite book/movie/song?

Book- Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

Movie- Jurassic Park. It’s by no means, not the best made film but it’s my favourite film, now and forever.

Song- The Man Who Sold the World- David Bowie

That’s not to say there are more! This was probably the hardest question of the lot.

17. If you could make one change in the world, what would it be?

I can’t answer this question. It’s too hard and from watching/ reading 22.11.63 it makes me wonder what the impact would be.

18. What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object- something from you personally)?

I love cooking, good homely and filling food. A little selfish, but it’s something I don’t enjoy doing just for myself (something I need to work on).

19. What excites you?

New films, books and being creative. People often talk about me ‘lighting up’ when I’m talking about films they need to see.

20. What do you wish you had more of?

Gut instinct. Or at least the ability to reflect on it and follow it. Self-control when it comes to food.

21. Pretend money is no object? What would you do?

I would have a Central London apartment with a library and gym. I’d have a chauffeur to take me to work (yes, I’d still work, but probably part time). I would input money into the World Book Night fund so they can return to the old way of giving out the books. I would also start up a podcast and buy a slot at the Prince Charles Cinema in order to film it live after a screening of the film or TV show I’d be talking about.

22. What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Which area makes you feel the worst? Why?

Best- reading for pleasure. Having time to decompress after a difficult school year and traumatic time in my personal life.

Worst- anxiety. It stops me from enjoying certain things, going to certain events and sometimes traps me inside my own head.

23. Let’s jump forward a year, what would you like to have achieved in the past year?

I would like to have gone on a date. A date! That’s it, not looking for a relationship here. Nothing too… filled with expectations. Ideally without using a dating app. I don’t want to stay in this state of picking the same sort of men.
I want a successful year in my job, where my anxiety and depression are managed and don’t make me struggle.

24. What piece of advice would you give to five-year-old you? Sixteen-year-old you? Right now?

5- You are not a monster. Something is going to happen in a few years, it’s going to change the rest of your life because you will always blame yourself. Just remember, you are not the monster. Try not to take things so literally.

Keep talking to people. You’re a bubbly person and people like you; don’t hide away because of this.

16- Please get help; open up to someone, anyone. These feelings are normal, but they don’t have to be there. Learn to be okay alone; it’s not a punishment. It’s freedom; start seeing it like that and it’s half the battle.

Now- That’ll do pig!

25. How do you want to be remembered in life?

Kind, fun and eccentrically beautiful; at least on the inside.

 

I suffer from depression. I’m medicated for it and I’m happy to say that. Now! I never used to be. When I first started dating my ex, I had been on my medication for about 6 months. I’d been following my 3 positives a day for about 2 of those months and I felt fabulous.
The weekend I met him, I was meant to have 4 dates. It was the first time in my life I’d had dates with multiple people without about 6 months between them. However, in hindsight, I misread the signs (I didn’t, but owing to him being a massive sociopath, he convinced me I did) and thought we were heading for a relationship. (And we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend for about 12 hours until he told me he couldn’t bring himself to stop sleeping with the other women in his life; ones up until this point I had no knowledge of)

I digress. One of the things I stupidly did was I discontinued my medication. He was staying over most nights (hence it being a total shock when he informed me of two other lovers) and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I was on anti-depressants. My anxiety kicked in and told me if he knew, he’d run a mile. It was okay at the start; we were in the honeymoon stage and I was blissfully happy.

By Christmas though, I was having massive side effects to not taking my medication. (Side rant- why don’t GPs set up alerts for when patients don’t return for anti-depressants. I’m not saying I need them to be concerned, or remember themselves, these are volatile drugs that can lead to serious consequences if not taken properly.)  Upon having a fake Christmas weekend as we couldn’t spend the holidays together (We were in an Open Relationship at this point. One that was never actually followed properly) I was told ‘You’re making me feel weird about sleeping with other people, so I can’t see you as much anymore.’ I had a meltdown. I returned to the doctors and I got some medication.

The anti-depressants didn’t quite work as well as they should have. On top of this the GP encouraged me to go back onto the contraceptive pill. FUCKER! Despite asking about its impact upon my mental health, I was told it would be fine. Word of warning to anyone out there; avoid microgynon at all costs, never mind if you’re being treated for depression. It is notorious for increasing depression in women. I felt like I was going insane.

Yes, I was still seeing my ex. No one knew except my house mate. Why didn’t I tell anyone? Because I knew he was bad for me. He was like a drug though. When I was with him, things were okay. So long as he didn’t bring up the others. At this point, he’d also started gaslighting me; “That’s not what I said.”, “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it. You can’t hold it against me.”, “We didn’t set that in stone. I can’t cancel on B.” so that didn’t help with my mental health.

I guess at a certain point, I wanted out but I didn’t know how. Cutting someone like that off is always the best move. However, every time I’d distance myself he’d become more affectionate and loving. I felt like a failure, unlovable (literally, he told me he no longer loved me after being the first one to say it) and trapped. It led to hospitalisation. That prompted a month-long silence from him. “I’ve dealt with girls like you before. You all do it to me.” He told me.

He got back in touch, told me he missed me that I was beautiful. I fell for it.

Within a month, there was a new girl on the scene. Someone from his past. I was told not to worry, she was just a friend. A fight ensued when he sent me away for the first time ever after telling me about her when we were at the cinema. He couldn’t be bothered with me told me sometimes and he wouldn’t want to see me. I just had to accept that. Being one of my strong moments I questioned the arrangement “So we only meet if YOU want me?” Apparently, that wasn’t fair and it wasn’t my fault that I always wanted him. I felt so cheap. Dirty. I knew it was because he’d seen her that day, and arrived to me late. It was actually my mum’s birthday (death, issues… another post) and he actually got angry with me for being upset about this. I hadn’t told him for this very reason.

A week later, he’d slept with her, loved her and was probably going to be his girlfriend so he couldn’t talk to me anymore. The crushing blow, I don’t know what made me ask but his response to ‘am I not beautiful anymore?’ was “you have always been ordinary looking.”

Now, any normal, well-adjusted person would have ditched him back in October when all her friends were screaming there was something off about the situation. They certainly would have walked away when the efforts of creating an awesome Christmas knowing he’d be alone on Christmas Day was essentially ‘fuck off while I bang other women without feeling guilt’.

Back down the rabbit hole I went. I thought I was certifiable. Doctors claim not. Just a bit of sleep is needed; medication change and sleeping pills rammed down my throat. This wasn’t what helped me move on. Hell, even now if I’m drunk I miss him. Not him really. The idea of the romantic man from the start who said ALL the things I’d never heard or believed would be said to me.

What helped me was an online community. An app called LYF.

I’ve been reluctant to share this, because I like the anonymity of the site. I had hidden my identity completely, as the app gives this option. However, the stronger I’ve gotten the less I’ve wanted to hide. This is MY journey, MY pain and I must embrace it. I went through most of it alone. So me publishing it here opens me up to you all finding me and reading my story. I must be okay with that. (The biggest fear is not being believed)

Now, what is amazing about this app is what the anonymity brings with it. You can be truthful and candid. There are things posted there that I would never tell my friends and I’d certainly not post here.
It also helped me reach out in times of weakness. For example, I was petrified that last weekend, at my brother’s wedding he would get in touch. Mainly because it was the ONE TIME I didn’t want him to. The last time I felt okay about not hearing from him a box of my things arrived at my door with a formal typed out note. Set me back, I can tell you.

I also told the community who were following my journey when I’d have a slip and try and reach out. (Hello! I’m fucked up. Drunk me makes stupid, crafty choice… such as signing up to a postcard app and sending him a qwerty tee. I was very pissed with myself the morning after I did that because I WANTED THAT tee!) They remind me that’s part of the process and to be kinder to myself. I try.

There’s a discover section if you’re not quite ready to delve into your own journey. You’ll very quickly see that you’re not alone. Sometimes that’s all people need. When you’re ready, it’s painless to follow and I’ve yet to have any trolls. (When I posted an eye infection, someone did unhelpfully tell me they thought it was a tumour but I put that down to individual eccentricities rather than a deliberate attempt to upset or cause me stress)

It does seem to be a new app, and therefore there are some teething problems. For example, I’ve not been able to access the app for the last few days while at home with my father. It does need wi-fi to access the content. I’m not sure if this is to do with data protection.
Also, I’m often finding that because of its layout people give me advice based upon the one post. They don’t go back to read the whole story; mainly because it is hard to reach those early posts. There’s not page jumps but a reach the bottom of the page and more uploads.
For me, now being of sound mind and strong resilience (I only get a pang when I see something Rick and Morty related) when someone responds with ‘reach out to him, tell him this.’ My voice is able to go ‘fuck that. It’s a bad idea AND you don’t WANT that.’

Thanks to this app, I’ve now blocked him from everything I can. It doesn’t matter that he blocked me first, he’d have gotten back in touch eventually once the novelty of this new girl had worn off. I have deleted that pesky postcard app (drunk Hannah is a menace) and I’m making a conscious effort to drink less. Aside from last weekend, at my brother’s wedding. Only, that was the first time I didn’t attempt to contact him.
I also left at a decent hour, knowing I had enough to drink, and watched a film at his house with one of his friends. I had a bad hangover the next day but it still didn’t stop me being happy that I’m now free to have what my brother has; love, family, respect, partnership and trust. All things I threw out the window, along with a part of myself I’m building back up; my self esteem.

Until then, I will still be seeking the support of the community of LYF and I hope, should you need it, they’ll be there for you.

Be strong, be happy. You are loved!

H