I have a very busy and loud mind.
The hyperactivity part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) doesn’t just mean physical restlessness. It can also mean having a busy brain. A very, very busy brain. One that feels like the off switch is broken. A brain that becomes obsessed and consumed with its goals. Or a brain that can feel like a time machine, jumping unexpectedly to the past and critiquing your choices in one second and then to the future worrying about the next bad thing that might happen in another.
The Focused Mind
Me, I have about five trains of thought going at any one time as standard. There are a few that just run on in the background as permanent white noise. Two of these are *best if you imagine it being said in a Gollum voice*:
- No one likes you (not even yourself)
- You’re a repulsive, ugly inside and out, monster*.
*Trigger Warning
My Dad told me that he would have had me aborted if he’d known I’d grow up to be so ugly.
I tell you these things, not to make you feel sorry for me, but to explain why sometimes things that wouldn’t impact other people, hurt me. Also, to explain why I seem to have walls and appear stand offish (I’m protecting you from the monster that is me).
These two trains of thoughts are so engrained, they’re core values. You cannot change them, only I can. I’m working on it, but I recently had a set back and Covid didn’t help.
Most of the time these two thoughts are quiet, exactly like white noise. However there are times when these are very loud (or one of the other thoughts) and I cannot ignore them.
WHAT THIS MEANS
- I am always battling the distractions that are going on in my head.
- I might hyper-focus on the work in front of me.
- I might be listening to something as this distracts part of my mind to allow me to focus.
- I might not sleep for a few days if something is on my mind.
- I might switch my working from home days.
- I might hide away in a quiet space in work
- I try and sit down first so I don’t force anyone to sit by me
- I’m always early for a similar reason
WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
- I’m not avoiding you if I hide away or become quiet, I’m doing what I think is best. (I’m doing it as a kindness to you)
- If you need my help, you can still come to me.
- If you want to talk to me, you absolutely can. I’m just, in the moment, convinced you don’t want to.
TIPS
- If I’ve not got a coffee, red bull or anything with caffeine in. It’s a good idea to see If I want to have a break and get a drink. Caffeine is what also quietens my mind. Not as great as it used to, but I’d imagine that’s a lot to do with building up a tolerance.
The Queens of Geekdom 