Category: 2023

Fast X (2023) Film Review

Rating 12
Length 2h21
Release 19.05.2023
Director Louis Leterrier
About Over many missions and against impossible odds, Dom Toretto and his family have outsmarted and outdriven every foe in their path. Now, they must confront the most lethal opponent they’ve ever faced. Fueled by revenge, a terrifying threat emerges from the shadows of the past to shatter Dom’s world and destroy everything — and everyone — he loves.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Now TV
Trailer:

The Good

Jason Momoa is an absolute bat shit crazy delight. I want to see the film he was in because he was having a blast. From his styling to his talking to corpses during a little self care, he’s pitch perfect and funny as fuck!

John Cena is as perfect as always.

There’s a car that will envoke a certain theme when you see it and it is stunning. I would learn to drive to have that car. In black. Matte black.
It is a cameo car, but I’m still thinking about it now. That’s how good it is.

There’s an attempt to tie everything together and credit, where credit is due, I think the film does manage to not only incorporate the two decades worth of franchise, but it does a fair job at streamlining it all.

The Bad

The cold open really threw me out of the whole film in a way that no other instalment ever has. It was only after watching and upon checking wikipedia, I connected the dots. No movie, none at all, should ever require you to rewatch the previous films to follow what you’re currently watching.
Annoyingly, the cold open serves only as a rug pull later in the movie. The film would work just as well, if not better, without the opening. Mainly because it’s chopped up and replayed throughout as Dom works out what we’ve already been told. I don’t know why movies insist on putting the audience in a position where they know more than the protagonist and then have their perspective play like a mystery.
Oh, and what the fuck is it with no title card in that cold open, yet locations?! After establishing shots with landmarks?! Big fuck-off “LONDON”, or wherever they inexplicably find themselves.

Speaking of which, there are so many rehashes of the 9 previous films in various forms. Each one so fleeting that it’s never going to support any casual watcher of the franchise, and I can only imagine it’s a tad tedious to hardcore fans.

The Ugly

This film is trying to be Endgame. The problem with that? The franchise is a mess. There’s no consistency in how they number their sequels, let alone have a plan that connects all the characters and plots in a that Kevin Feige has done over in the MCU.
So what’s the alternative? Ram in as many cameos and callbacks as humanly possible until you create a bloated, convoluted and chaotic confusion put on celluloid? Even if that wasn’t the intention, it’s what was created.
For example, I welcome Helen Mirren reprising her role as Queenie, however the scene was nothing but exposition so it felt pointless. Also, didn’t Dom kill one of her sons?

It was an HOUR before we got a drag race. You know, the premise that built this bloody franchise?! Instead we get to watch the “family” scramble after a bomb that should have exploded way before the trigger was pushed (I don’t know much about explosives, but I’m damn certain THAT is not how they work).

Final Thoughts

The bad most definetley outweighs the good. That sad, Momoa is one big slice of good and Cena certainly makes everything easier. I would advise that you switch off your brains though: as much as leterrier has stated he was trying to bring it back to reality, the films still up there with taking a car to space.

The Machine (2023) Film Review

Rating 15
Length 1h52
Release 31.05.2023
Director Peter Atencio
About The past comes back to haunt Bert Kreischer when a murderous mobster tries to kidnap him to atone for his crimes. With help from his estranged father, Bert must retrace the steps of his younger self as a sociopathic crime family goes to war.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Now TV/ Amazon Prime (for rental or purchase)
Trailer:

The Good

Mark Hamill is a renaissance man! For years he solely belonged to the geeks, known for Star Wars and his epic voice work in Batman. Now he’s being cast in everything, and I’m here for it! From Matthew Vaughn’s Kingsman to the scene stealing turn in Mike Flanagan’s The Fall of the House of Usher, Mark Hamill is getting the career he deserves. Much like Brendon Fraser and Key Huy Quan, I’m so very happy to see the good eggs get their time.
The Machine is certainly good for showing another side to Hamill. Not Luke, not the Joker, but a character somewhere in between. He’s a saving grace for this film, and the main thing you should be watching it for.

The action is pretty cool and there is the novelty of it being quasi-biopic. I’d also imagine that if you’re familiar with Bert Kreischer’s comedy, you’ll find the retelling of his infamous robbery and a subsequent “what if?” rather entertaining.

The Bad

The film takes way too long to get going. The whole setting up the family dynamics, while great for establishing the character, does very little to set the pace of what is meant to be an action movie. By the time there’s any sort of speed to the plot, I was checked out.

The Ugly

Given the current political climate with Russia, I did find it difficult to settle into the film and find the whole Russia is the capital of violence shtick. While I can imagine the film was in production long before Putin decimated Ukraine and displaced an entire country, but its release seems in bad taste; even with it very much poking fun.

Final Thoughts

Well, I know someone would have been laughing like Muttley throughout this. My brother will have loved so much about this film. Unfortunately, for me, the trailer showed all the best bits and outside of Mark Hamill, the full runtime fell flat.

Dream Scenario (2023) Film Review

Rating 15
Length 1h42
Release 10.11.2013
Director Kristoffer Burgle
About A family man finds his life turned upside down when millions of strangers suddenly start seeing him in their dreams. However, when his nighttime appearances take a nightmarish turn, he’s forced to navigate the consequences of his newfound stardom.
Moon: Not that I saw

Trailer:

The Good

Nic Cage does what he does best; he gives us an extroverted off the wall, unhinged performance while still presenting a strangely bumbling every-man. No one could provide us with both and make it convincing.

The story is scary. It’s creepy and chilling, not only in terms of the dreams but the way people respond firstly to the dreams, but then to the real Paul. It actually is a fascinating look at celebrity and cancel culture.

There’s just something about a horror that makes you laugh as well as be on edge. Largely to do with Cage’s performance you just cannot help but have a good time.

The Bad

There’s a very cringe and awkward scene near the mid mark that will put you off sex for life. That is literally all I’m going to say on the matter. If, and once, you’ve watched it, we have much to discuss.

The Ugly

Nic Cage is only getting better. Even with his bad performances, he’s a genius and he’s had four films and a lifelong dream fulfilled (eh, sort of) with a cameo. However, in recent weeks Nic Cage has spoken about retirement and it’s making me sad.

Final Thoughts

An odd story, an even odder Nic Cage and I loved (almost) every minute of it. I do have a theory though and I need to know if anyone else picked up on something that comes back towards the end of the movie.

Unexpected (2022) Film Review

Rating 12
Length 1h48
Release 01.02.2023 (In the US)
Director David Hunt
About Music critic Bob is out of a job, addicted to Zoloft, and trying to wrangle the menagerie of animals that his wife Amy has accumulated.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for rental or purchase)
Trailer:

The Good

The moment Joe Mazzello begins his narration, I know I’m in safe hands. I’ve yet to see the actor turned director take a creative misstep in his entire career (Although give me three wishes, I’m using one of those bad boys to have Small Soldiers and A.I added to his filmography) He has always been excellent at playing characters that are steeped in tragedy, but Mazzello has evolved into an entertainingly dark comedian and it is exactly what a film like this needs to lighten the tone.
Bob was also someone I was able to identify with and a brilliant way connect to the film. The Character’s arc of acknowledging his depression, the all-too-real experience of psychotherapy and the complications of prescription medication could feel too heavy if it wasn’t for Mazzello’s performance.

The film is funny. Not only the character of Bob. Yes he’s dry, witty and sarcastic in a way that I find charming, however the film itself is able to bring a comedic tone to much of the events. Some reminds me of Tom Hanks’ Money Pit (1986) and other situational comedies.

One thing I love about independent films is that the audience are given a different storytelling experience. Along with the change in narrator throughout the film, there’s some playing with time when we’re coming to the end of the film to allow an element of completion and fulfilment. Something other, more mainstream, films would not attempt and leave the audience without closure.

The Bad

This is a bittersweet film that does not provide the typical narrative. It plays like real life. Largely to do with it being based on upon the biographical book Enslaved by Ducks by Bob Tart. However it does mean that it touches on difficult topics and not everyone gets a happy ending. For some this may be too much like their own lives, for others it may be triggering.
For me, it was comforting to know that others go through similar thoughts and feelings. That I’m not alone and there’s a hope for coming out the other side.

It is hard to watch this film and not be even the tiniest bit curious about what the version with Ashley Tisdale as Amy would have been like. That’s not to say Anna Camp was not perfectly cast; she’s adorable and bubbly, but able to handle the emotional consequences of life not going quite to plan.
I just know that dynamics and nuances will have given a completely different film. I also spent a lot of time following this film and was saddened upon the shoot having to shut down due to covid-19 restrictions with mere days left to film.

I’m not sure the film plays on the use of music enough. It’s a personal thing, but to me the protagonist is Bob. Yes, other characters contribute to the narration but 90% is Bob. I would argue that most of the music is reflecting Amy. It is at odds with the film for me. That’s not to say I didn’t like the choices, I just would have liked it to either be a reflection of Bob.

The Ugly

The ugly truth is that living in the UK has meant I’ve had to wait until today, 21 December, to be able to watch this film. Independent cinema is stunning, it is meaningful and it offers an alternative to the loud and fast blockbusters that dominate the cinema.
This film would have had a decent box office and could have enticed viewers similar to those who sobbed their way through My Sister’s Keeper (2009) and those who chuckled and cried through Juno (2007). However, films like Unexpected are not finding their way into the cinema and it really is heartbreaking to see.

Final Thoughts

While the topics of depression and fertility may not be my usual go to topics for a Friday night watch, Anna Camp, Joe Mazzello and Scrub’s Neil Flynn not only make me glad I watched, they are the reason I’ll be watching again.

Christmas Advent 2023: It’s a Wonderful Knife (2023)

Rating 18
Length 1h27
Release 1.12.2023
Director Tyler MacIntyre
About What would happen if George Bailey stopped a serial killer before asking to have never been born? Winnie, a year after ending a psychotic murder spree is consumed with PTSD. It doesn’t help that the whole town she saved has moved on.
So in a Christmas classic wish, she is shown a town in which she was never part of and that’s where the nightmare begins…
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Online in the US
Trailer:

Naughty

  • There’s what appears to be a final act rewrite that just doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of the film that we’re meant to buy due to some magical inclusion.
  • While the slasher outfit is incredible once you know what it is; it’s impractically for a spree and really just takes me slightly out of it.
  • The happy ending for happy ending sake! Bullshit! Let it be the start of something new and not some magic loophole.

Nice

  • Some great casting going on from the get go; from tween show stars taking their leap to movie horror, to character actors Joel McHale and Justin Long.
  • It’s an ideal blend of Christmas kitsch, meta comedy and all out horror.
  • Short run time is always a win for me. Especially with these types of films that play fast and loose with the meta sheen.
  • Stay put for the credits because Joy 2 the Girls by Hael is a bop.

Final Thoughts

Could this have been sacrilege? Oh yes, this could have easily been the worst film ever made for taking the greatest film and making it into a horror comedy! However, it works.

Halloween 2023 Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

Rating 15
Length 1h27
Release 07.10.2023
Director Lindsey Anderson Beer
About In 1969 a young Jud Crandall and his childhood friends band together to confront an ancient evil that has gripped their hometown of Ludlow.
Moon: Literally the first shot of the movie.
Where to Watch: Part of Paramount+ subscription on Amazon Prime
Trailer:

Trick

  • The film has a little bit of a clunky start that almost had me disengaged. Thankfully, the trope of “shrouded mystery” meant I hadn’t missed much. However, it did also mean that the reveals didn’t pack the punch they could have.
  • One of the biggest ball drops for me is the handling of the catalyst for this film. It almost occurs prior to the start of the film and relies on you having read the book or watched one of the films. Okay, perhaps in the world of Marvel Monopoly and its required viewing the audience is used to that. However I like the element of stand alone, just as a curtesy.
  • There’s an attempt to cash-in on generational trauma and responsibility. However it feels too much like lip service to say anything meaningful about it. Yes, there’s hints at links between the colonisation of the America’s and the American actions within Vietnam, and there’s even an attempt to retcon the Native American involvement and presence in Ludlow, but it is all ultimately lost to the cheap jump scares and audio jump-cuts. Also, the less said about the sound of flies the better (if not entertaining to watch my cats trying to find them).
  • My petty quibbles: Those fucking trucks as jump scares and Norma’s hair.
    The trucks: okay we get it, you’re referencing the big scene from the original. Leo D is pointing once he’s jumped. The first time. By the closing credits though, it’s not even a case of diminishing returns. You are annoying your audience because, lets be honest, it isn’t even clever the first time and if (that’s a big *if* by the way) anyone rewatches the film they’re cringing the very first time you pull that “scare”.
    Norma not only is in a different movie with that hair, she’s in a different decade. It’s 1969, she’s joining the peace core. Yet she’s been given poker straight bleach blonde hair complete with extensions. I’m not in any way into my beauty or fashion, yet I do know that the 60s and 70s were about bobbed volume, natural curls and waves. Norma’s stylisation was so wrong (Like 2018 Robin Hood’s set in the past, but stylised as the future) that it took me out the film every time she was on screen.

Treat

  • Henry Thomas, Pam Grier and David Duchovny are really wonderful to see as the supporting cast. Henry Thomas seems to be in a renaissance with a leaning towards Horror thanks to Mike Flanagan. Great in their individual roles, but it is the final act that sees them interact.
    Duchovny?! Well, where has this character actor been all these years? Do not get me wrong, I recognise him as the hunk that gave us the red speedos (Personally a Walter Skinner girl myself) but there’s something about him aging that has roughed up those looks and given him much more to work with that the 90s swoon. Keep it coming Mulder!
  • Considering the elements that could make this entry into the Sematary franchise a slasher, its refreshing to see our lead be a Final “guy”.
    One the topic of slasher, there’s a mid-film gut punch and a chilling chase worthy of any slasher.
  • The film has a lean runtime. Sorry Mr Scorsese, but fuck your 3 hour 25 runtime and how we should respect the craft. Sometimes, just sometimes (okay, all the time since Endgame) I want my fat trimmed. While there are issues and underdevelopment in parts, I believe that can be corrected without adding to the run time.
  • I enjoyed most of the final act. Some of those who were dispatched were a little telegraphed, but ultimately it made for a solid final showdown.

Final Thoughts

I liked what it was attempting to achieve rather than the final product and the biggest part I took from it was that I really want to see both Henry Thomas and David Duchovny in more gritty films.

What to Clash with ….
I’m currently listening to Clash of the Titles podcast in which Alex Zane, Vicky Crompton and Chris Tilly pitch two comparative films together, review them on their individual merits before declaring one the victor.
In honour of this, and until I run out of ideas, I will suggest films that share *something* in common with the movie that I’m reviewing. I’m not going to tell you what, but if you happen to know… by all means, leave a comment below.
Practical Magic
Dog Soldiers
Cujo
I did have a forth, but I told myself I didn’t need to write it down, and now I’ve forgotten what it was.

Shotgun Wedding (2022) Film Review

Rating 18
Length 1h40
Release 27.01.2023
Director Jason Moore
About Darcy and Tom gather their families for a destination wedding, but the ceremony gets put on hold when gunmen take everyone hostage. Now, they must do everything they can to save their loved ones — if they don’t wind up killing each other first.
Moon: no moon sighting
Where to Watch: Amazon Prime
Trailer:

The Good

  • J-Lo is not winning any Oscars here, but I’m okay with that. She gives a solid comedic performance that one would expect. She does carry a lot of the film so it’s good that she’s really the worthwhile selling point.
    The character of Darcy is likeable enough that you’re with her and want her to succeed. It’s just a shame the same cannot be said about the relationship she’s in.
  • Jennifer Coolidge! I love her! Not only do I love her, I finally appreciate what she brings to the table that no one else can. Honestly, if you’d had her as the focus of this film instead of J-Lo I would have watched the fuck out of that.
    Would her comedic style translate to a protagonist without it’s novelty wearing off?! Maybe not, but I know I’d at least give it a go.
    In the same sense as J-Lo, she ain’t winning any awards for the gimmicky Mother of the Groom but she will crack everyone watching up.
  • The story is fine enough. It’s Die Hard at a wedding. Only there is the refreshing change that there’s no one there who has a John McClain wrong place, wrong time but having that unique set of skills brings to an action movie. Yes, the movie makes use of Duhamel’s Tom being a baseball player and pretty much everyone gets to grips with handling a gun pretty quickly, but that’s easily overlooked.

The Bad

  • Josh Duhamel was not right for the part of Tom. He was not believable as the insecure bloke, he had no chemistry with J-Lo and I just didn’t want him there.
    In his defence, once you find out the role once belonged to Ryan Reynolds, it’s an uphill battle to be won over by Duhamel. However…. I only found that out because I looked it up because I’d already lost interest in him as a character.
    In fact, most of my notes were comprised of actors who would have been better for the role and I settled on Joel McHale. This character is meant to have that insecurity while also having that element of awesomeness that McHale honed during his time on Community.
  • The relationship of Tom and Darcey doesn’t work. Again, at best it feels force, at worst he’s just an accessory to J-Lo’s Darcey. The biggest problem is that for this to work as a Wedding movie and a hate to love story, you have to start with the couple questioning getting married. Unfortunately, it worked so well that I didn’t feel satisfied with the resolution.
    It almost would have worked better if they were the divorced parent’s of the bride who return to love because of the pirate entrance and hijinks.

The Ugly

  • The opening 20 minutes are painful and what’s worse is that they’re unnecessary. Yes, it’s a way to get to know everyone, but it feels forced and could have been added to the scene of the actual wedding day. It all felt so flat and really made me question Tom and Darcey as a couple.
    Like, even at the end I didn’t think they belonged together and that is down to the opinion I formed in those first 20 minutes that the rest of the film could not overcome.

Final Thoughts

It doesn’t require thought and it will be an ideal Saturday night movie for most. Just no sparks when it comes to romance.