Film Review: The Mummy (2017)

Length: 1hr 50
Rating: 15
Release: 9th June 2017
About: Nick Morton is a soldier of fortune who plunders ancient sites for timeless artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder. When Nick and his partner come under attack in the Middle East, the ensuing battle accidentally unearths Ahmanet, a betrayed Egyptian princess who was entombed under the desert for thousands of years. With her powers constantly evolving, Morton must now stop the resurrected monster as she embarks on a furious rampage through the streets of London.

The Good

  • It finishes? If my dad wasn’t watching, I would have turned it off and I do suspect that if I’d gone the cinema, I would have walked out.
  • Jake Johnson being Jake Johnson. Although, all it really did was make me miss his presence in Jurassic World 2. I would have been happy if he fronted the movie if I’m honest.
  • Seeing an ambulance filmed ‘Hollywood style’ strangely made me happy. Yay, don’t our med vans look cool in a high speed chase! (Yup, I’m clutching at straws to give another ‘Good’)

The Bad

  • Did we really need the Jekyll and Hyde sidebar?! Crowe was doing an alright job until he started ‘Hulking’ out. While I like that he didn’t grow in size and gained a garish Cocky accent, I just felt it was a pointless world building plot device that is unnecessary when the turd is as ill formed and prematurely presented as this one.

The Ugly

  • Why Tom Cruise?!?! Like what the actual fuck?! He was not right for the role. I felt like I was watching Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise and the plot was written around that.
  • Tom has zero chemistry with anyone onscreen, including the woman he’s meant to have shagged and have ‘feelings’ for never mind the Mummy who is meant to have enchanted him into having a desire to return to her.

Final Thoughts

With no characters you’re invested in, the story loses its audience almost right away. Watch while its on Netflix, but remember; it’s two hours you will never get back.

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