Heartbreak

I'm on the way to a wedding. I'm going stag and that was always the plan. Just as I will be when I attend my brother's wedding in two weeks time.

It's strange how, in a really romantic setting, I've snapped out of my need for my ex.

Quite a few people met him. Back before I knew there were other women in his life. Back when he was the romantic, charming man hell bent on giving me everything I'd actually grown out of needing or thinking I would ever get. He said he loved me first, he said he'd be my boyfriend… only to take it back 24 hours later. He was seeing two other women and couldn't give them up.

He'd told me he was out of a 7 year relationship. It had been over for 6 months but they were still 'together' on Fącẻbøøk. That should have been my warning sign-

No, sorry… my first warning sign should have been the fact that he was known to me for 3 weeks as 'Jack'.

Turns out he was still with her when he matched with me. I'm still unclear as to whether they were still together when I went on our first date… but I know that he cancelled our first proper date to fuck someone else- he told me while drunk one evening in an attempt to be 'honest'. It makes me sick to be an accomplice in cheating. But by the time he told me, I "loved" him.

Anyway… 8 or so months of sociopathic abuse; culminating in me chasing him across Soho because after telling me he was 'in love' with a girl whom he'd had a crush on 10 years ago, took her to my sacred place on his birthday had the audacity to tell me my feelings for him were a crush; I told him that his mother would be ashamed of him! He ran off and me, being me, wanted to apologise. It didn't matter how much he'd hurt me, how many times I'd cleaned up after one of his other women (including having to ignore condoms and their wrappers), or how true what I said was; I felt guilty.

I'm sorry to those of you who think I'm stronger. Who think I'm smarter than to put up with 9 months of this shit and give up the possibility of having children to be with him.

I was scared. I was conned.

My heart is broken. But so it my soul. I changed everything fundamental about myself to be with him. I've done that before. However, this time not only was I made to believe it wasn't enough; I was TOLD it wasn't enough.

One thought on “Heartbreak”

  1. Abuse is insidious, you are doing an amazing job of getting over him and rebuilding. It takes time (I was in my abusive relationship for 4 years) but I know you’ll get there. The real person you are is amazing and deserves a brilliant life.

    Like

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